h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Al Capone - American Gangster - A37618400
Author: Opticalillusion - media mynx life would be boring without hiccups - U231227

An Entry on the American Gangster - Al Capone

Hi Opti

I think there's a spare word -said- in the Museum Curator quote

>>despite the fact that Capone refused that he knew anything about it<<
despite the fact that Capone *denied* that he knew anything about it

ST Valentine's Day >> St Valentine's Day

I think there is a lot that could be added here. As a single example, the fruitless efforts of the FBI to get hard evidence against him; you just have to mention 'Public Enemy Number 1'

I'm sorry opti, but this is just not nearly good enough as it stands. There are two ways to write a good biography, as I see it. One is to be thorough, which requires copious research and a fairly long entry. The other is to be brief, precise and to sort of give a flavor of the person and his personality. What you've done here is not thorough, not precise and gives no inkling of Capone's personality or what made him special. In this kind of entry, you're more likely to give us his cell number at Alcatraz (which tells us nothing about the man) than to explain why he was so respected or feared.

Quotes are a good way to inject some personality in there, but the two quotes you've used just seem irrelevant to me. So Germans saw prohibition as a cultural challenge, so what? And the quote by Liam Byrne really is just a piece of information which otherwise contributes nothing. I'd try to find some quotes describing Capone, or from Capone himself.

Next, the opening requires some work. Saying 'Al Capone's family' and then mentioning the son doesn't really work in the way it's meant to, I think. Say 'The Capone family' instead.

"Alphonsus Capone (Scarface)"

At this point, the read has not been introduced to the fact that Capone had scars on his face, or that he was nicknamed Scarface. At this point, adding 'Scarface' in parenthesis makes it look like a part of some scientific nomenclature, like it's his genus or something. I'd mention that he was nicknamed Scarface *after* you mention how he was cut in his face and lose the initial reference.

For the St Valentine's Day Massacre... first of all, you never call it that even though it's widely known by that name. Second, you never connect it with the Prohibition conflict, so it just seems like a random event in a paragraph about Prohibition. Third, the wording here is unbearably awkward-

"but despite the fact that Capone refused that he knew anything about it his gang members were seen leaving the scene in police officer outfits."

In the closing, you never actually say that Capone was busted for tax evasion. You just begin by saying 'When Capone was arrested and sentenced to jail for breaking tax laws'.

This is just a critique of what I found objectionable about the writing though. How could you fail to mention Eliot Ness and The Untouchables? For such an important man, this really needs to be more thorough or at least contain more information before I (for one) would be comfortable with it being in the Edited Guide.

for your input. I've addressed many of the points you have mentioned but still have yet to work on four of them.

I feel I've addressed all points now. Is there any thing else?

Frankly, I agree with Jordan here. This in no way even begins to cover the subject in any worth while detail.

""while unbeknown to him the IRC Special Intelligence Unit and Eliott Ness and the Untouchables were finding evidence that Capone was evading paying his taxes"".

No point just saying the 'IRC''and the untouchables', you need to explain who, why and what they were, how they set about their job.


""Associates of Capone were seen leaving the incident of the crime in police outfits.""

Says who? Were these witness accounts or heresay? What's the source of the info?

""In 1919, Capone joined Torrio in Chicago. There the Prohibition Amendment came into force""

Didn't prohibition come into force nationwide, not just in Chicago?
Also perhaps an explanation on why prohibition was introduced may be useful.

""admitted to a hospital in Baltimore where they studied his brain""
Studied his brain? How? For what?

If you're going to write Bio's I'd respectfully suggest you look at examples already in the EG to see the sort of detail needed to make them worth reading. If you're struggling with this one then perhaps pop it into the AWW for some help rather than here in PR. PR is, afterall, for articles deemed finished and in need of 'polishing' rather than being written or re-written.

ST. MKII

At the moment, reading this entry is a bit like watching an early rehearsal of a play - everyone is still out of costume, there's no set yet, nobody knows their lines well enough to get around to the acting, the *passion* of it, and it seems someone complained that it was too long, so a lot has been struck out of the original script.

It's rather one-dimensional, providing too little background and not much depth. It doesn't really focus on anything, just recites a few facts and leaves out others, apparently at random. Maybe you need to concentrate more on the connections between the events than the mere fact that they happened. Find your special angle on this story.

It could really go somewhere - I'd like to see it reach a dress rehearsal stage so it can have its opening night on the front page.

for reading my Entry. I personally thought it was finished that is why I put it here, but I can see reading your comments that I need to interrogate everything.

With the greatest respect Opti, you say that about most articles you put in PR. You need to spend more time on the research, stop using big block quotes to 'fill the article', get the timelines right, as always, the devil is in the detail. You should be leaving the reader with at least a basic understanding of the topic with a view to finding out more if desired. This, as it stands, is so hit and miss that it's easier for the reader to just google Capone and find better written Bio's and info. elsewhere.

ST.

Perhaps you might like to remove this from PR for now and work on one specific Entry at a time Opti, I think you might be burning the candle at both ends again...

Slow down, take your time, enjoy the research, not the writing

I have removed my Entry on Winston Churchill and this is the only one I have in Peer Review.

Yesterday I went over the majority of the Entry and pulled it a part. There's only a few paragraphs to be cleaned up and added too now.

Hi opti, this is starting to look better, a few suggestions if I may:-

"Capone also had six brothers and two sisters."

*Capone had six brothers and two sisters.*

"It was during this job that he sustained his infamous facial scars that led him to adopt the name Scarface, as a drunk Frank Gallucio who wasn't at all happy that Capone had insulted his sister struck out and cut into his face."

Suggestion:-

*It was while doing this job that he sustained injuries that were to leave his face scarred. He apparently insulted the sister of a drunk called Frank Gallucio who then struck Capone. It was after this he got the nickname 'Scarface'.*

Prohibition:-

"This law was felt necessary as America had entered war and people believed that alcohol would bring down moral, religious belief also stated that consuming alcohol was wrong and the Anti-Saloon League which had a hold on American politics at the time felt it only damaged society."

Suggestion:-

*This law was felt to be necessary after America had entered into the First World War. It was believed that alcohol would lower the moral of the people and that religious beliefs also stated drinking alcohol was wrong. An organisation known as the Anti-Saloon League, which had a firm grip in American politics at the time, also felt alcohol damaged society.*

"Despite this people continued to hold a desire for drinking and the gangsters saw that they could make money out of enabling the public to illegally drink and set up dens called speakeasies where they promoted it."

Suggestion:-

*Despite the ban, people still wanted to drink and this gave the gangsters the opportunity to make large sums of money by supplying illegally obtained alcohol. It was known as bootlegging. Drinking dens were set up which became known as 'speakeasies'.*

"The gangs also ran businesses in bootlegging, gambling and prostitution,"

*The gangs also ran businesses in gambling and prostitution,*

"However, it was difficult to prove that he was the main culprit for many of the murders that took place as he carried an air of respectability with him too."

Suggestion:-

*However, it was difficult to prove that Capone was behind many of the murders that took place at that time. The legal business's he ran always left him with an air of respectability that belied the real truth.*

I daresay there'll be others who may want to comment, I'll come back to it later. Bearing in mind, these are only suggestions, entirely upto you whether you use them or not.


ST.

ST I've adhered to your suggestions

Just a quickie:

<> should read morale

Websailor

Sorry to nitpick again, Opti and ST,

<> should read - businesses

I really should read it through properly but I should be elsewhere and these just jumped out at me.

Websailor

Websailor...I've made the changes and look forward to hearing more comments from you

Apologies for the odd spelling mistake. I didn't have time to run my suggestions through the spell checker. I was running late for an appointment as it was.
I'm not likely to get back to this again till after the Hull meet now so I'll leave it for others to help out for now.

It's ok ST. We all do it and it is always easier to spot others' mistakes than our own.

Websailor

ST for helping

You are right Websailor

any thing else?