Drinking and Driving

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Operating motor-vehicles under the effect of alcohol is a great sport, and art. Practiced everywhere in the world, this tends to be the easiest get-into-jail-free card to obtain, ever. However, many people are not familiar with this fine art and are thus unaware of the precautions necessary before indulging in the great sport of DUI.

To begin with, there are places and times when practicing DUI is just not the smartest thing to do. Countries which punish the offense by mutilating the offender's hands are a fine example for where not to be caught drunk behind the wheel, and generally speaking, when you hear on the news that the police are in the middle of a 'emptying the streets from chronic DUI offenders' is a cute example for times when drinking and driving are to be avoided.

Before indulging in the act, art, or sport of Drinking, and driving, there are certain things one must take into consideration, which include, but are under no circumstance limited to, the following:

- The condition of the vehicle in question: is it in good shape? can it handle extreme 'situations'? does it have ABS, ESP, emergency brake assist, airbags, pedestrian friendly bumpers, and other safety features?

- The condition of the driver: did you contact your lawyer about a will? Do you have any personal property or belongings you would like to be passed on to another person prior to a quick shift in destiny? Do you have any connections with people at the pearly gates? Did you spend any time sober lately?

- The condition of the road: atdoes this road lead to death or prison? Does the road strictly speaking tend to be busy? Do you really want to go that way?

- The condition of the 'atmosphere': can you breath normally? are you phobic to anything? Are there passengers in the vehicle in question? Are you properly insured? Is the vehicle yours? Is the pub close to your home? Do you know how to go home? Is your vehicle a manual? Do you still know what a clutch is? Do you have your cellphone on? Do you have credit on your cell phone? Is there anyone you can call to bail you out of jail? Do you have enough money for car repairs/towing? Do you have any money for bail? Do you know how to use your phone? Is your wallet still with you? Do you still have your car keys? ...

Once all necessary precautions have been taken, you may indulge in the severe act of Drinking and Driving. You may not be aware at this stage that there are two different ways you can practice this sport, and then art: for the amateur, having a moderate amount of alcohol in your blood is considered enough. For the connoisseur, the art of drinking and driving, once mastered, can be as casual as popping open a beer can while on the interstate and taking a sip, and then another one.

To practice the more primitive sport of DUI is pretty easy, really. Once you are 'drunk', you may head to your vehicle, take a deep breath, fasten your seat belt, look for the sky ( to ensure you still know which way is up ), then for the brake pedal, press it gently, then release the hand brake, and put the vehicle into gear: you are on your way into becoming a DUI champ. Once on the go it is essential to make sure the vehicle is going straight, and that you do feel the seat under you. If you get a raw feeling of disorientation during this time it is vitally important to STOP, put the hand brake on, exit the vehicle, and ask for help to get home: you may not get a second chance.

If you feel you are on top of the situation, you may go on with the round. It is essentially vital at this point to observe all driving regulations, since this is the entire object of the sport: to perfectly pass on as a good driver despite being under the effect of alcohol. Anyone can slam a car into a tree, but very few people can drive sanely, observe rules, obey them, stay out of trouble, and in their skulls, while simultaneously being drunk. And this, is exactly what the art of being drunk behind the wheel is all about. Most amateurs tend to resort to hiding in areas where the law enforcement agents are not likely to be present. For the honor of sport and sake of thrill and adventure, most enthusiasts of the sport and strongly encouraged to hang around police stations, police check points and road blocks, and highways infested with police cruisers. Hey, if you're going to defy the laws of gravity, you might as well go all the way...

It is generally a good idea to observe the basic rule 'Don't Panic', especially in situations that tend to make you do so. Generally speaking, if you panic, you will find a tree in your passenger seat, a duck on your moon roof, or a policeman standing by your window. So here's the trick. Find a way to get caught. Be very calm and smooth. You are practically speaking just asking for attention. There are certain places where such attention is immediately available. Be on time.

Advisory: Most apprehensions will land you in a court house by the next working day. If you have plans for the weekend, then do not go out until the early morning. If your wish is to spend time in Jail, then this is the best way of 'getting it done'. However, if all you need is to get rid of your license, then perhaps it would be easier to just hand it over to the next police officer you come across, stating clearly why, and what it is you are prepared to do if this fails. A lot of complaints have been received from Law Enforcement agencies in regards to this sport, and therefore, you are advised to contact your local police office before you give it a go. You do need permission.

Having a police officer standing by your window is not always avoidable. However, it is vital to observe the simple fact that you are not necessarily always being pulled over because you are drunk: you may have a broken tail light, an outstanding parking ticket, ... Therefore, if the police officer tends to ignore this simple and obvious fact, you are kindly requested to remind the person in question that you are in an extatic state that requires urgent and immediate attention.

If you are pulled over, it is essential to remain calm, pull over to the side of the road in orderly fashion, and to avoid eye contact with the officer as much as possible. Remain calm and polite, answer questions as briefly as possible, avoid being direct if the officer asks about your drinking activities during the past few hours, this tends to be the most awkward moment of all. Your best bet is to cooperate as fully as possible. The best way to get straight to the point is to point out any beer cans or alcoholic containers you may have and if this is not the case, then try to whisper things in the officer's nose. That is, if you can tell the difference.

Once you handle yourself well when drunk, you may indulge in the 'ART' of drinking AND driving, which is different, but not entirely, from the sport of driving 'under the effect'. This art is simply as follows: you drink, and drive. 

The objective is of course inscribed in the Manual of the sport. If you do not have a copy, you can dial 911 to request one or, if you are really impatient, do not hesitate to wave your hands at any passing police vehicule and order them to stop and claim your right to have access to a drink driving manual immediately. It is, by law, more vital than your right to have an attorney.

Mastering the art of alcohol consumption behind the wheel is a tricky matter and is rarely available to anyone below the level of advanced God. It is therefore best to observe abstinence for all creatures whose life spans did not originate from the G Galactic Area. Creatures whose lifespans originate from the Z Galactic Area, especially, specifically, planet 'earth', are strongly discouraged from consuming alcohol at all one year before driving.

It is also very, very important to note that  if you are caught drunk, behind the wheel, behind a dented fender/engine compartment, behind a tree, then it is best to 'admit' the mistake, vow to never repeat it again, and consult the nearest AA community in your area.

N.B.: some countries regard alcohol in a cynical manner, and regard 'walking under the effect of alcohol' as a crime. It is therefore most rational to avoid drinking behind the wheel on planet earth altogether, which is exactly the sort of place where laws are never 'revealed' until you confront law enforcement, which is usually a bad time to find out about what the laws say. Also, it is a very bad idea to contest any law enforcement agencies since this in itself is considered a crime. 

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