The Rev Jack's Diary
Created | Updated Feb 17, 2005
The Des Res
'A very nice Inglenook, with twin aspect window views, quite a high ceiling for such a property as this' the gabby estate agent said, with all the authority of someone who does this for a living and still looks a twat in a suit. The 'trainee' he had with him was being groomed in the same manner. She was smiling and ask the misses about what she liked and disliked about the 'property' but no one was talking to me, or the dogs(GOD BLESS'UM), even thought I was the money holder, the cash man.
'Shall we move into the dining/kitchen area?' he said.
'Shall we?' I said to the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) with slight sarcasm in my voice. I had a slight dig in the ribs from my missus elbow. It was worth it. This bloke was getting under my skin. What was his voice like I hear you ask? Well you know when you have a splinter under your skin and no matter how much you look for it, you can't see it but when you touch something in that certain way you know you still have it in your skin, that's just how this bloke was, only thing was this 'splinter' was in my a$$. I spent time hoping, praying he would start to run, so I could loose the dogs(GOD BLESS'UM) off their leads and they would have something to chase. But no, so back to the 'property' and the 'duel aspect master bedroom with wet room/bathroom and plenty of built in wardrobe space' she said instead of the bloke, that made a change! The dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) yawned, I joined them.
'A nice house' said my missus.
'Yes it could have a lot of potential!' I replied.
'But we have to look at the other two this afternoon.' she carried on. I was busy driving out of this village carefully noting the position of the pubs and where me and the dogs(GOD BLESS'UM) can have our fun lamping at night.
'Sorry.' I said after just catching a mumble. 'I was concentrating on the road.'
'I was just saying, but there's not many places in this village for the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM)' she said. I very nearly crashed the car.
'What?' I said looking at my missus.
'You heard, you ain't got rubber ears.' she smirked.
'Dinner in a local pub?' I enquire and she agrees.
The Royal Oak was a rather old, large pub probably rebuilt in the nineteen thirty's, with a landlord to match. We entered through the front door and headed for the lounge where we were greeted by a nasty little idiot from behind the bar.
'Can't you two read a simple sign?' he said pointing to a sign on the back wall of the lounge bar. 'NO DOGS' it said. We turned on our heels and retreated our steps till we found the public bar door. We entered that room and there was the little dwarf again, pointing to another sign which also said 'NO DOGS'.
'Just get them bloody dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) out of here.'
What a nice man I thought and I smiled at him.
'What you smiling at, then?' he said.
'Nothing.' I said.
'Good, just get them dogs (GOD BLESS'UM out now or else.' he said.
'Or else what, numb nuts?' I said, starting to lose my temper with the dwarf.
'I'll come out from behind this bar and teach you something you won't forget.' he said. I sniggered loudly and we turned to leave this dire place.
'Also the village is somewhere I don't want to live.' I said to my missus who was already on her way out of the pub with the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM). I hung back and cast a look behind me. There's the dwarf of the a barman out from behind the bar, making sure that were leaving.
'Nice bloke!' I thought.
'OUT NOW!' he shouted.
'Oi, mate, were leaving.' I said back and gave him a hard stare in the process.
'OUT and YOUR BARRED.' came the reply.
'Coolio.' I said and I found myself out in the street with my missus and the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) by the car.
The drive home was dominated by the escapade at the Royal Oak. We arrived home, had a quick lunch and then we were back in the car heading off to have a look a another house, in another village about 15 miles from where we live now. But the 'dwarf' at the 'Oak' had got under my skin. I was not in a 'house hunting' mood. I started to brood on the whole thing, the result of this being that I don't really remember too much of the houses we visited. My missus was not happy about this fact, so, when I arrived home, I was determined to have a chat with Dave, Two Watches and Les down our pub. Now this is going to sound kid-like, and of course it is, but something had to be done about it. It's just a pub, only a pub but, as is the case in this country recently, everyone is becoming snobby, a pain in the a$$, intruding on your life, 'you can't do this, you can't do that!' sort of thing. So I left my house heading for the back bar of our pub with a plan or two - three if you count the one that means, if we get caught, it might mean five to ten years in the local prison. So I think that one is going to be put on the back burner. So I entered the pub and talked to Les, Dave and Two Watches, all with a pint and all with a suggestion or two. Then the beer started to flow.
'How about if we dress up a sheep and take it for a drink in the Royal Oak's bar?' That was from Two Watches.
'That's already been done.' Dave said looking at Two Watches with a bit of a look.
'Something with a little more flair, please.' I remarked.
'How about some sodium down the toilet?' Les piped in and we all looked at him with the same look as Dave gave Two Watches.
'How about if we just get a load of people and I mean a LOAD of people...' a plan formed and Dave picked up the thread '... all coming in at different times throughout the night.' Everyone goes 'yeah' in agreement,
'But it's a big pub.' someone said from behind us. 'You're going to need a lot of people to fill that pub and count me in on what ever you decide.' she said. It was Ally she was wandering around the bar cleaning away the empty glasses. We all looked at her then each other.
'What's got into her?' Les mouthed.
'I don't know.' I mouthed back! So back to the planning of the 'night out'. The fact remained, as the beer flowed, that we were not going to have enough people to do what we wanted to do; we need more people. So the idea was shelved for the moment and we started to have a game of bar billiards accompanied by a few more pints. Les won all his games, I lost all mine - I'm not good at bar billiards. It was around three o'clock and Dave said one word: 'Fishing'. We all said 'yeah' and fishing it is then. This was going to be a bit difficult to tell my missus, as this meant 'sea fishing' and we lived quite a bit away from the sea.
'Hello, Tinker Bell, how do you fancy some fresh mackerels?' I said through the letter box.
'So you lot are going on a drinking session, loosely described as a fishing trip?' the reply came spinning back at me.
'Yes, that's about right.' I replied with a smile.
'Where are you lot going to, then?' she said.
'Weymouth, I think.' Again I replied with a smile.
'Just bring some back this time, eh! I would like to have enough to make dinner this time. Don't end up buying some like you did last time and have a nice time.' she said.
'Ok tinker.' I said as I grabbed my stuff and slid out of the door. Heading back to the back bar of the pub I see Dave and Les entering the bar with their stuff. 'Coolio' I thought. Weymouth here we come and a nice outing with the lads.
Weymouth was being its old self; friendly with some nice pubs and also a harbour full of boats and then there's the sea fishing which is some of the best in the south west. We had been fishing and drinking for two days with not a thought about the 'Royal Oak' till Les said
'I think I have an idea about stuffing the 'dwarf' at the 'Royal Oak'.'
'Ho yeah?' said Dave. 'What's that then?'
'Well, why don't we get some of these fish and place them behind a couple of radiators in the pub bar?' Les said with a drunken slur. 'Been done.' Dave replied. 'But you might be onto a good prank.' he smiled. So Dave was still thinking, like me, about the 'Royal Oak'. It would still be there when we got back.
This is not over - just a beginning! Till next week, then.
