The Rev Jack's Diary
Created | Updated May 22, 2008
Buggies
I was sitting, quietly, in the front garden of the pub, scanning my newspaper, sipping my pint of cider, every now and then watching the tourists getting off their coaches and forming into loose family groups, then heading off to the common or the village or the tea shop or someone's front garden (mine usually); but the sun is shining and warm with it too! So I don't care for the moment, I'm lost, just being warmed by the sun, in the springtime, in the Cotswolds.
Now this is sounding all cosy and fluffy, but as I watch, I begin to notice something develop, people with electric buggies, you know the type owned by lazy 'I can't be assed to walk', or the 'so fat that they need two seats on the coach'- people; not disabled people who need this type of transport. Well, I'll stop before I get started on my 'obese nation theory', and I'll return to what I began to notice about these people: they are taking over everywhere, pavements in particular. In this case there's a husband and wife team, steaming along at full ramming speed towards Mrs Miggins tea shop, just as fast as their little wheels can carry them. They're shouting at people to get out of their way, they're not in line astern, but abreast across the pavement, scattering all before them into the road; it doesn't matter to them, they just want to be first in line at Mrs Miggins, or so I thought. I go back to my newspaper and my pint!
Bouffff! goes the table on which my cider once lived, my peace is being shattered, bouffff! - the chair I'm sitting on is moved sideways by about a foot, this is followed by a feigned "sorry, but I’m new to this buggy and I haven't quite got the hang of it yet." Yes, it seems so, it's the apparent demolition of my table, chair and my day by these people which is the dead give-away!
"Do you live in this beautiful village?" enquired the idiot. "Yes", and "Can you back up a bit as my newspaper is under your wheel?" I say! "Ok, Tinkerbelle", he says. I'm not impressed with either the driving or the comment, but I let it go at Two Watches pssst, so I return to the back bar with its own atmosphere and a pint of cider that's waiting on the bar. The game begins with me firing off a couple of winks in the direction of the garden. Great, I think, run over by a twit in a buggy, and now losing to Two Watches. I hear Ally in the background: "Jack's on the ropes", and everyone in the bar stop what they were doing and stare at me. What's a bloke to do; sometimes a bloke has to lose!
I have a sip of my pint. I'm still not relaxed, and then CRASH! up the steps and through the doorway comes a buggy, completely out of control, a madman at the controls, his eyes bulging, all of the direction indicators flashing away. "I'm out of control!" he shouted as he jammed the buggy in the bar's opening, trapping the landlady behind the bar, who, at this point in time, is turning purple with rage, so I take the opportunity to declare the game a draw, then pick up my pint and retreat to the back garden with the remains of my newspaper. Two Watches follows me out, telling me that the game is not a draw, and in fact he's the winner. "GET THAT 
THING OUT OF MY PUB BEFORE I LOSE MY TEMPER AND START TEARING LUMPS OUT OF YOU!" The tone of this woman's voice is terrifying. "Are you going back in there?" I say to Two Watches. "Errr, I have to, I left my pint in there", he says. "Here you go, have half of mine", I say and pour him some into an empty glass, "So then, to the common", I say, downing what's left of my pint.
We walk out of the back gate and on to the common, when walking towards my house the dogs (GOD BLESS 'UM) spot me and come bounding out to greet me and Two watches, running around us, and then back to the house. We enter through the back garden and via the French windows, my missus is looking a bit flustered. "And JUST WHERE have you been. AS IF I don't KNOW" she said with some venom. "I was Just playing 'winks' with Two Watches in the pub, when there was a bit of an accident." "IT'D BETTER NOT BE OF YOUR MAKING", she quickly responded. "It wasn't. What's been going on?" I replied. She explained about the two twits driving around the village in buggies. I sniggered (mistake on my part). "And just what are you sniggering at!" "One of the little buggers has pranged Ally's back bar at the pub and she's not very happy", I said. "Done some damage, too", said Two Watches, sniggering. "You two!" she said, and then: "Well, they have been around the village twice and bashed into practically everything and one, even the Vicar's car got a dent in it, the dry stonewall at the back of the church was one of the first casualties!" So for the next half hour we were informed about the trail of destruction around our village!
