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Settling into her comfy chair, Monsy looks over at a quite nervous Pastey and smiles one of those 'now you did it smiles'. What did he do and how did he do it you ask? Well, he agreed to let me wander through his brain for a bit and see what I could come up with. Poor Pastey, he just didn't realise what he was doing BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

~Grabs pen and paper then begins to speak~

Monsy: So, Pastey my sweet tell me a bit about your personal background. Where were you when you left your hometown of Peterborough and what were you doing?

~Pastey begins to sweat and go a bit pale~

Pastey: errrmmm, I am not at all comfortable with describing my whereabouts to someone who looks as if they are about to lock me away...

~Monsy grins sweetly~

Lock you away? Whatever would give you that idea?? (hides the cuffs and key behind her back) Now begin singing like a canary!!

~Pastey takes in a deep breath and begins to speak with a bit of a shake to his voice~

My personal life? Where I went after leaving Peterborough? It was nothing really; I went to Leicester to work in a pub. While there I met Anne (my missus) and we hit it off immediately, never looking back. She was one of the barmaids, and a darn cute one at that.

What about your family? Where were they during this time? What about her family? Where are they? And how do you propose to support her? Can you support her in the manner to which she would like to become accustomed??

~Pastey looks up quite surprised at the speed with which these questions were just shot towards him~

Sheez, this is beginning to feel more and more like I have stepped into it big-time.

Not yet you haven't but, if you don't stop skirting the questions and get on with it, you will find yourself with a nice new pair of shoes...

~Pastey wipes his brow and attempts to answer the questions as calmly as possible but, with the thought of new shoes and that bag of cement next to Monsy, he is finding it quite difficult~

Family? Well my mum's Irish and my dad's from the edge of the Fens, so pretty much a large family with a strange accent. I've only the one brother, but lots of cousins that have been like siblings to me as I grew up. Currently I live in Ipswich. I moved here with Anne a few years back as her folks live just outside, in Felixstowe. Work wise, I dropped out of an electrical and electronic engineering course at college to work as a cellarman, looking after beer in pubs and getting paid to drink it.

~Monsy stops him suddenly~

Drink? So you are saying you have a drinking problem???

~Pastey begins stuttering his denials to Monsy's accusations~

NO! NO! That is not what I am saying at all!! Now you are putting words into my mouth. I am just like anyone else who enjoys a nice drink now and again and who can blame me for taking advantage of having it so close to me while I was working?

~Monsy gives him one of those 'sure, whatever you say, but we all know the truth now don't we?' Looks~

Stop stuttering and finish telling me what I want to know. Don't make me get serious with you, you wouldn't like me when I'm serious.

~Pastey scratches his head and thinks about this for a moment then begins to speak again~

But after six and a half years of that I got fed up with it. I spent a year unemployed looking for work coding websites as I seem to have picked up the necessities quite quickly, but with no prior experience and no formal qualification none of the agencies wanted to touch me. So to pay the bills for the imminent wedding on June 24th, I got a job as a postman, delivering letters six mornings a week.

~Monsy looks pleased that Pastey has finally found a stable, normal job... one that can lead to a career which can supply his wife with the things she deserves~

Now pets... do you have any and, if so, what kinds do you have? Are you kind to them? Do you treat them as members of the family? Are they happy?

~Pastey (starting to realise that arguing with Monsy about these questions is a waste of his time as she seems 'thick as a brick' and determined to squeeze everything from his poor tired brain) just looks straight ahead and begins answering in a robotic tone~

Pets? Well, if you must know we've got a hamster called Fairport, after Fairport Convention(A great band Pastey!ED). He gets called a lot of other things too, but I won't go into them. I assure you that he is well taken care of and quite spoiled. There has never been a hair on his cute little head harmed in any way.

~Not sure if she should believe him or not Monsy decides that, instead of arguing with him, she will just take his word for it...this time... and continues with her interrogation... errmmmm questioning~

And with everything else you have been doing just how did you find your way here with us in the land of h2g2?

Well, just over a year ago, a friend of mine lent me a modem. I hooked it up, found a search engine and entered the title of the book I was reading at the time. That happened to be Hitchhikers. One of the sites that came up was h2g2, although, at the time, it didn't seem to be anything, as it hadn't been launched yet. So I decided to come back later and promptly forgot about it. I was watching the telly about a week later and DNA appeared on 'Tomorrow's World' to launch it. So this time I made a note of the url and waited a couple of weeks or so for the inevitable rush to die down. Then I signed up and got hooked. Not long afterwards Ginger organised a rounders match down in London, so we got to know eachother face-to-face, and a community really seemed to start to form.

Sounds honest enough. There doesn't seem to be anything hidden there that you have neglected to tell me so we will continue with the next question... Tell me Pastey, there must be something about the site that you are not happy with?? You can't be totally happy with it. Come on, tell me... I have ways of making you talk if you refuse!

~Pastey begins to sweat and finds his voice failing him once more~

Why can't I be totally happy with the site? Why does there have to be something I don't like about it? I like it, really I do! I find the entire concept to be a really good one. Even with the changes that come about once a week I still love it, the changes just make it more interesting and addictive... just as you get used to it there is something new that pops up giving you another reason to return. The user pages are fabulous, allowing us to express ourselves and show that self to the rest of the world. It is the 'this is me, this is who I am or at least who I want to be' spot in the site. Everyone comes here with no preconceptions or prejudices; hopefully we don't gain any whilst here. I often find it a shame that the real world can't be like h2g2.

~Monsy begins glaring at him again~

Pastey, you are toying with me now! I am beginning to get serious... I know there is SOMETHING that you would like to see changed with h2g2... NOW TELL ME!!!

~Pastey begins to think that maybe Monsy is taking this just a bit too far and might need medical treatment~

OK, OK!! There is one thing I would like to see changed. Going to read forums, what really bugs me is when you go to read a forum; it starts at the oldest posts. Why can't it start at the latest posts? I think that would be so much better. But that's probably just me. Everything else that I'd like to see I believe is already in the pipeline on the 'To Do' list. Although I'm led to understand that the 'To Do' list is now longer than the role call of hell. Are you happy now Monsy? I said it! OK! There IS something I am not happy with. I am sure you have things you aren't happy with as well when you get right down to it, but I don't see anyone prying it out of you now do I??

~Monsy grins and shakes her head at Pastey~

That is because I am smart enough not to agree to an interview with myself. I tend to be a bit more careful before agreeing to such things. But you, my dear, weren't... so here you are... alone, in a room with me... no one else... it wouldn't even do you any good to scream because no one could hear you if you did. Hehe!!

~Pastey starts looking for the nearest exit but finds that they all seem to have been padlocked~

Now, let us continue with this line of questioning... this new look of h2g2, Alabaster, what do you think about it? Are you sure there is nothing about it that you want to see changed??

To be honestly frank, I get the impression that the art department at h2g2 didn't get a say in this one. The layout and all that is great. The simplicity is wonderful, shame it wasn't there before Christmas when I was stuck with a really old monitor that used to choke on the Goo! I'm just not sure about the colour scheme that's all. But considering this is from a guy who spends all day in a post office uniform...

~Monsy is quite pleased by this revelation~

Ahhh!! So you are unhappy. You just didn't want to admit it before. You do know that admitting you have a problem IS the first step in curing it?

Problem? I didn't say I had a problem, just that I was not as pleased with the new look as I was with the old one.

Sure, ok... just come to me when you are ready and I will introduce you to Joe, a friend of mine who deals with reality disorders like yours. Now, back to the questions. You said you were getting married. Tell us a bit about this blushing bride or yours and these wedding plans.

~Pastey relaxes a bit, as talking about the wedding has become something he can do in his sleep~

The blushing bride, you'll be glad to hear, is Anne. As I said, I met her in Leicester where we worked in the same pub. We've been together ever since and look like we'll stay that way. She's a couple of years older than I am and a lot more intelligent. She's got a M.A. in Archaeology for a start. She currently works as an archaeological consultant for a geotechnical engineering company based in Norwich, although her office is in Sudbury. And she doesn't get paid anywhere near as much as the job title lets on. She is also one of the best cooks I know. As for the wedding, well that will be just like any other wedding you have seen; two people grinning from ear to ear with a room full of people wiping back their tears because as they say... 'I always cry at weddings, they just make me sooo happy'.

I already know you work for the POST and are responsible for making sure it gets up in time each week. How did you begin this project and what are your future plans for the post?

How did the Post begin? Err... That's all down to Vegiman. When I first came to h2g2, Vegiman came over and said 'Hi!' This was long before the ACE's were around, or even thought of. We chatted in the forums and he pointed a few other researchers over my way to say 'hi' as well. Then, one day, Vegiman had an idea. And that idea was to have a newsletter/paper type thing to let other researchers know what was going on in and around h2g2. To tell everyone about everyone. To point out good pages and articles so that more people visited them. A bit like a written grapevine. He knocked on a few people's homepages telling them about this idea, and we all got involved. A fair amount of brainstorming happened, and since I had a lot of spare time, having no work, I was able to devote it to getting test pages up for people to look at and discuss. And it sort of snowballed from there. The first edition went out and was well received. Vegiman relinquished the weekly running of the Post as he had to look after his business, but the idea was his and without that the Post wouldn't be here now.

This is all quite interesting but let's get on with talk about the future of the Post... what are the plans?

Well... let's see now. Since h2g2 has introduced this nice new skin for us to all play with, we have to look into getting some new graphics sorted out. Unfortunately, we haven't heard from [email protected] for some time. He was responsible for the artwork we currently use, giving the Post it's 'feel'. I've also been working behind the scenes as it were to produce a couple of editing programmes for Shazz , so that she doesn't have to do any major formatting for new Post articles. The layout has changed slightly recently as we've moved of the servers we were using and are in the process of moving completely over to the h2g2 servers. We've only got the graphics to move over now, and then we'll be completely hosted within the Towers. The other main thing I'm working on is a sort of Post Office, where you'll be able to go through the list of back issues, see which researchers are responsible for which parts of the Post. It will also list email addresses and icq numbers for us so that anyone can get in contact with us, or even just discuss things in the forums. One thing though I would like to see in the immediate future for the Post is for more people to write articles for us. We are always looking out for pieces to put in.

Hmmm, sounds like you have some nice plans for the Post and, from what I have heard, are quite busy with making sure it is as good as it is... how can you do this and find time to work, plus be with Anne?

That is not hard really, I am just good. When you are as good as me you can do anything. Hehe!

~Monsy smirks a bit at Pastey after this last comment while Pastey smirks right back beginning to get a bit fidgety with sitting still for so long~

OK, I can see that you are beginning to drift here so, because you were such a good subject, I will allow you a free spot to speak of whatever comes to your mind... you can have 3 minutes to say whatever you want but no longer!

~Pastey smiles at the knowledge that he is about to be set free and dreams of once again running through the petunias while the sun shines down upon him~

A 'free spot' I think I've got enough spots already thank you very much, but I guess that you're not referring to my complexion. One thing I would like to say is that, if you seem to think that while talking to me in forums I seem like two different people, it's probably because I am. The missus and me both log in as Pastey, although she doesn't log in anywhere near as much. If you're not sure who you're talking to remember this, I usually sign off a posting with a fish. Thank you's go to all those, and you know who you are, who do hard work each week for the Post. The mainstay few who guarantee that each week there is an edition. What I do doesn't take much, what they do does. Thank You! As for promoting something? I'd like to take this opportunity to promote the concept of the Guide. The idea that if we all write about where we live, where we go out for a drink, where we shop, where we eat. About how bad the public transport is in our own area, which taxi companies rip you off, which bus companies run clean efficient services. Which bagel shops sell great bagels until two in the morning. Where the 'all night' garages and shops are. Then when we go anywhere, we'll know what to expect, where to expect it and who to complain to if we don't get it. The last thing I would like to say is...

Times up Pastey...

But just one more thing...

Nope, no can do...

~Monsy grabs Pastey up from his spot and drags him to a dark hole in the floor where she drops him and then walks out dusting her hands off as she goes~

Hmmm, wonder who I will get next week? BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Monsy


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