h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

JS - Welcome to Sky Sports News, the only place for all the latest PP Euro 2008 news. I'm Jeff Stelling and I've been joined for the moment by tournament chairman, Alfredo Marquez. Good afternoon Alfredo

AM - Afternoon Jeff

JS - So some good strong contenders for the tournament this year.

AM - Of course, Jeff. The current champion Egon has returned to defend his crown and has a reasonably strong team for his campaign. We also have the runner up from last time in Mu Beta who I'm sure will be desperate to win this time.

**takes a swig from his bottle of sambuca**

JS - Any surprises in the bidding for this tournament, then Alfredo?

AM - No major ones Jeff, other than nobody choosing to sign the player of the tournament from last time round, Antonios Nikopolidis.

JS - And one team weakened by their loss of the big centre half...

AM - **Swigs from his sambuca then burps at Jeff** Sorry about that Jeff. Well, any team could be said to be weakened by the loss of Fabio Cannavaro but hopefully they can move on from that.

**takes another swig of sambuca and offers the bottle to Jeff**

JS - no thanks. So how do you see this one going then?

AM - **now loooking a little unsteady on his feet** Well a few teams could win this but at this stage I can't see beyond victory for either Salmonidia, managed by Trout Montague or Sporting Clube da Escuimentao Eterno, managed by Egon, although if you want a dark horse for the title then go for Paul Merson's Elocution Classhesh, managed by Mu Beta. **drinks more sambuca** Ish it jusht me Jeff, or is the room spinning?

JS - Its just you. Anything else you'd like to add?

AM - **opens a new bottle of sambuca and takes a swig** Yesh Jeffrey. I'd jusht like to take the chance to deny the rumoursh in the pressh that I'm an alco, alco, alco...

JS - Alcoholic?

AM - Thatsh it Jeff. You're great, you are.

JS - Thanks. Join me again after the break where I may or may not be joined by some of the managers, who I hope will be less drunk than the chairman

AM - **falls flat on his face** Jeffrey, I am not pisshed

JS: So, the league chair has tipped unpleasant greek stereotype, Mu Beta, to be a dark horse. Mr Beta is with me now to discuss this. Mu?

MB: Eeh, Jefree - issa not to be to bad to be doing to be, is it, with the dark hoss? De Euro Championships have been won by all-a sorts of the underdogs in the past. I have cunningly constructed-a my team around the ones no-one expects to go all the way: Russia, the Czechs and Croatia. Heh.

JS: Were there any players you were disappointed to miss out on in the bidding?

MB: Indeed-a there-a was, Jeff. I hadda been considerin Sergio Ramos and Bastain Schweinsteiger as ze key purchases, an' I must-a be giving credit to Mr Trout for stealing them from under my sniffer, yes?

JS: If you say so. How do you rate arch-rival Egon's chances?

MB: I think-a he may fall foul if-a one of the big nations does not perform. He is-a showing naivete by mostly being sticking to Premiership players. And Zlatan Ibrahimovic is rubbish.

JS: A sweeping statement. Any other teams to look out for?

MB: I is-a agreeing with Alfredo that Mr Trout has a formidable side, and may well be coming the man to beat. But if-a Italy play to their reputation then Bubba-fretts will-a be leaving us all high and dry before we is even starting.

JS: And who are you pinpointing for best buy of the tournament?

MB: I think my own Jan Polak is being a helluva steal, no? The Czech's is often being relying on goals from midfield, and the man is proven at international level. Be watching out for him, you hear?

JS: Yes, I hear. Thank you for your time, Mr Beta.

MB: Issa my pleasure. Seeing youse.

B

I am predicting the ever-reliable AndyG. Iniesta, Villa, Bosingwa and more precisely Luka "The Czech's is often being relying on goals from midfield" Modric are truly shrewd. Some doubts over Koller and Pannucci may be the undoing.

And the Croats.

Well, I was very pleased with the performance of four of my players yesterday. Admittedly, only three points gained, but you'd be a curmudgeon to rule out goals from Ronaldo and Yakin in the future.

I'm a bit worried about how deep Polak is playing. Might have to rely on a few assists.

B

Can I be your curmudgeon?

Help yourself.

B

I may be changing my dark horse prediction, given that I've just found out that Andrei Arshavin is suspended from Russia's first two games of the tournament

Ah, it's not a game for the shiny-ar5ed.

Is he?

Bugger - I didn't know that.

B

My thesis subscribes to the hypothesis that those that dabble unduly in the tonsorial arts are destined to fail.

Well, that's pretty much done for Bubba's chances.

Well done, those boys in orange.

B

Mr Curmudgeon, I believe I am owed some sort of apology and/or recompense.

B

I know the feeling.

"Bastain Schweinsteiger as ze key purchases"

Key to my undoing.

Yes. I am vastly amused.

B

The shaven-bottomed Russian may have won this comp for the Greek boy.

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