h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Very unofficial in capacity am I, but I got me own boat, not one o' those they're hirin' out down at the boatyard (http://www.h2g2.com/A360046).

Anyone as wants gettin' from the mountain to th'town (or th'other way around) has only to pay threppence in advance.
Service includes a storytellin'.

(Offer subject to status, terms and conditions apply...)

Hello Ferryman - welcome to the river.
So, would you like to have a more official status? If so, that's fine by me.
Oh, and do I still have to pay the 3p if I own the river?

<BB<

Oh official status'd suit me jus' fine, sir.
Do I gets me name up somewhere?

No, no charge for the owner of the river, I's just glad ye didn't evict me! Harr!!

Okay - you've now got your name up somewhere, plus a link to the ferry service. Now all you need is some customers.

<BB<

Ar, much obliged yer lordship, much obliged...
But ye've neglected to mention me storytelling service.

(I mean, why else would ye pay threppence for a boatride if'n there's also a bridge?)

Okay, I've added that as well.
So, can I have a story? Please?

<BB<

(Setting off for the western bank across the fog-enshrouded river)

Well, there was once this Duke who lived around here who was incredibly vain, always checkin' 'imself in't mirror and goin' to fancy balls wooin' all the ladies of the area. Very pleased with himself he was.
One day though, 'e wakes up to find 'e's ugly. He's not gettin' the reaction off of the ladies wot he used to, and his reflection is all naarsty-like. So he panics, doesn't he.

Well, there was a rumour thereabouts that a wizard lived in the forest off to the east, so in desperation, not wishin' to make his discomfort common knowledge in the court, 'e went to see the ol' gadge.
The wizard listened sympathetically to his problem, havin' had similar situations in his youth, and then said he knew the solution.
"There's a magic mirror up in the mountains to the north" he said. He was talkin' about those very mountains there.
(Ferryman points behind him at this point)
"If you can find the mirror within two hours of the sun coming up and look into it then it will restore yur good looks".
So every morning this Duke gets up well before the crack of dawn and sets out around this mountai huntin' under every rock and stone for this flamin' mirror.

After four weeks, he finally finds it, under a bush. He looks in it, and sees once again the fit young debonair lord he knows himself to be. He goes back to the wizard and says "Look, look! I've found the mirror and it has restored my looks!"
"Codswallop" replies the wizard. "That's my shaving mirror, I put it under that bush this morning. The reason you're looking better is 'cos you've had a month of getting up early, and getting regular exercise with lungfulls of mountain air, whereas before you was a fat scruffer partying and eating all day"

(Boat hits opposite shore)
Have a nice day, guv'nor!

Thanks Inkwash, I think I'll head off for a morning's stroll in the mountains.
*Hands over 3p*
Keep up the good work!

<BB<

Eyes the boat suspiciously...

"Is she water-worthy?"

Eyes the two-legged cat suspiciously...

"Aye"

"Don't Pay The Ferryman ... Until He Gets You To The Other Side"

Ah... moy reputation preceeds me once agin!!

See, look. There's the ragged hill, and there's the boat on the river...

(Lies in the boat eating sandwiches)
Must be the quiet season...

Try starting a story - that may attract a few more people.

<BB<

Can't think of one right now...

so it's been 3 years 'n some months...any ideas yet?

I've heard of writer's block, but this is rediculous!

<BB<

Here we go, nothing like pressure to cure writer's block


"There was once a man who owned a cow, a cow with special qualities, qualities so special that wherever the man travelled he took his cow with him, and would never sell her.
"One day the man, in search of pastures for his special cow, encountered a wizened old man who offered to buy the cow in exchnage for a few magical beans...

so he sold it, ate the beans, and then promptly died?