'Not to-day, please not to-day!' I can hear myself think it out loud and looking rather disturbed. It must be the only tourist coach left as it's the end of the summer, so why do they still want to park outside my driveway blocking me in my own house?

I open the back door and go around the side of my house to ask the driver to move the coach from my driveway and place the thing in the car park at the other end of the village where these things are supposed to be parked. This coach was full and, in the process of disgorging the cargo, the tour guide was telling them they have two hours before they have to be back and their lunch was in 'The Other Pub' public house just up the road on the left hand side. I tap the side of the open door and look in. The driver is of the usual type; fat, with a shaven head and a small tattoo on his left arm - and so is the tour guide, but she smiles and says 'Can I help you?'
'Well I hope so!' I say in reply finishing off with 'Could you move the coach to the car park at the other end of the village as, where it is at the moment, it's on private property, thank you!'
'Yeah, I'll move the coach, mate, in a moment when all of this lot are off!' says the driver and I said
'Thank you, mate!' in reply! I go back around the side of my house, into the kitchen!

An hour passes and the coach is still there. I go to my front door and open it. The door of the coach is exactly opposite my now open front door. The driver is sort of half asleep on one of the seats so, once again, I'm polite and ask him to move the coach. He gets up and comes down the steps.
'I'll move this coach when I'm good and ready, mate. I've only got another hour here and we're off, so I think you can wait in your little house, in your precious village, eh! Toddle off now there's a good little boy!' he says.
'Ahh, so you're not going to move your trespassing coach then?' I say.
'Nope' comes the reply!

I turn on my heels and head back into the house and grab the phone. I'm in need of some help!

'Dave, I'll open the gate to my back paddock, ok?'

I say to Dave on the phone! This plan has been in use for a few years now because of this problem. It's not peculiar just to our village but most of the villages around here and because of 'it's your fault that you live in a pretty village¹' we have formed this plan. It's a really good plan, works every time, too. Dave has a very old tractor and trailer which, at a flick of a switch, breaks down. It won't run until the switch is flicked back and then it does, so you're getting the picture. Also, one other thing you should know is that my house is at the end of our village and the road is a single track road (with passing places) to the main road so if this little road is blocked in the right place - ooooOOOOoooooo lets just say by a broken down tractor and trailer - coach timetables suddenly become irrelevant! I know this won't move the coach from my front door, well only when I want it to move! I nip out to the back paddock and open the gate and wait for Dave!

You hear this tractor well before it comes into view. It's coming from the main road. I can see the exhaust smoke from it over the top of the hedges and also a head, which belongs to Stevey Two Watches, so I know we're in for a good afternoon of fun! The dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are in the back paddock enjoying themselves chasing something or each other. Dave smiles as he goes into the paddock and starts to unload some of the bales of straw. Then, in a well-rehearsed move, he spins the tractor and trailer around and back out of the gate and, as if by magic, the tractor breaks down right across the road - now there's a surprise! So strange that it can be working one minute and not the next! Two Watches jumps down off the trailer and walks over to me and quietly says;
'Good enough?'
'Yeah' I say and we wait for the fun to begin.

The cars coming into or out of the village can just creep past the tractor and most of them know what's going on, but anything bigger can't get past! And so the first coach arrives and is held up for around ten minutes and a nice queue of traffic builds up behind it. Somehow we get the tractor running (sniggers) and we let this coach through and most of the traffic that's built up. Then a second one comes with our coach following so we pull out into the road and promptly break down again (sniggers). This time its for good - well a good hour or so! Two Watches walks up to the first coach and explains the problem through the door and the coach driver looks like he's going to kill something but duly switches off his engine and gets on the phone to his boss. Then the prize! The coach that's been sat outside my door all day slowly pulls up behind the queue of traffic that's slowly building up! This is all going too well - and I was right!

'So, then, what happens if I flick this switch?' says Nick the copper.
'You know what happens when you flick that switch; you helped fit it' I say in Nicks ear.
'Yeah, but now is not the time to be using it.' says Nick back.
'But that bloody coach has been stuck outside my house all day. I've asked the driver to move the thing twice but got nothing except a mouthful of "yes, I'll do it sir" and then nothing.' The thing is still sat there! I say.
'Why didn't you call me on the phone, I could have helped.' says Nick.
'Cos I don't have your phone number, you community copper, you!' I say.
'Ahh right, well just give me a hand getting this thing off the road and into your field!' says Nick.
'Back paddock.' I say and, at this point, Nick gives me his 'I'm a copper' look and the tractor's engine sparks into life. With Nick guiding me back into the field I move the tractor. The traffic starts to move again - in and out of the village - until the coach comes to the lonely copper stood in the gateway of my paddock! The copper (Gary Cooper-like as in the film 'High Noon') walks out into the lane and stands in front of the coach that's been the bain of my life all afternoon and raises his right hand to signal the coach to stop. There is a tense moment when Nick's talking brooch (radio) gets caught in the high visibility jacket and it looks like Nick is doing a strange surreal Morris dance (without the hankies). I wander over to the wall to watch the fun and am joined by 'Two Watches' and Dave!

'Is this your vehicle, sir?' says Nick in an official tone that's bound to get up your nose.
'Of course not! You know I'm only the driver.' says the driver.
'This will only take a minute if you just answer the questions.' says Nick.
'I'll bet.' says the driver in a sarcastic tone and the rest of us leaning on the wall look at each other and agree on Nick adding another 15 minutes to the 'stop and search' of the coach. This was getting interesting!
'Do you mind getting out of the vehicle, sir!' says Nick.
We all watch as the driver gets out of the coach and stands next to Nick!
'Name?' says Nick!

The rest of the traffic is slowly filtering past the coach. The passengers are starting to move in their seats and asking the tour guide what's going on and how long they're going to be. I still find it strange that our police officers don't wear a gun! (For those who are asking themselves the very same question, just image shooting someone and having to fill out all the paper work that goes with it. They'd never walk a beat again, not that they do now). Anyway, the driver is being held by Nick in the gateway of my back paddock and is using just a hard stare once in a while!
'So what's going on here then?' says Abby, Two Watches' sister - like her brother ever so slightly under done! So, while her brother brings her up to speed, the rest of us keep watching the coach driver
and Nick.

Nick and the driver start to look at the coaches tyres and then
the lights. Nothing out of order is found but this is not about finding anything untoward it is about time wasting, being inconsiderate to other people and parking too! It is a good hour before the driver and Nick have finished, then Nick lets the coach go on its way. Then he turns his attention to us and our tractor.
'How many times do I have to tell you lot, it's an offence to block this road? Eh!' says Nick.

Dave looks at me and smiles and I smile back.
'Oi, you two, I'm not joking. This is your final warning about blocking the road.' says Nick.

Dave starts to snigger and Nick spins around. Dave stops sniggering at once.
'I'm only going to say this once more. Any of you put that old tractor on this stretch of road again and I'll have a whole bloody lot of you down the station.' shouts Nick without looking back at us!

'I wonder what's got into him?' says Abby.

We all look at her and then at Two Watches who says
'Told you so, didn't I! She was the one dropped on her head when she was a kid.'
'Christ, I'm going to stuff something up somewhere in a minute.' says Dave in a voice that could be heard by everyone at once!
'You touch my sister, and I'll have to start.' says Two Watches.
'It's not your sister I'm going on about mate, it's you!' says Dave!
'Ahh right, that's ok then! So long as it's not me sister your having a go at.' says Two Watches!
'Just shut up the pair of you. I'm going down the pub for a swift pint. I'll buy too!' I say. I turn to go back into the house to fetch the leads and the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) when I see the better half stood in the kitchen doorway, wearing a look on her face that could split an atom or two!
'Hello Luv' I say in a jovial tone of voice only to met by a spitting she-devil.
'You are not going down the pub at this time of night!' she says.
'Am I not?' I say in a voice that could melt butter!
'You have been out here for at least 2 hours already and tea is on the table - you have been told' she says.
'Alright, I'll see you lot later on.' I say to the gang and go in to the kitchen for my tea. The missus glares at the rest of them, daring them to say something.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Fancy a walk with me and the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM)?' I say after tea with the missus.
'Not if you're going passed the pub.' she says.
'Nope, not at all.' I say and we gather ourselves up with the dogs (GOD)BLESS'UM), exit the house and go into the world outside heading off passed the tractor in our back paddock. I wear a smile when I see the thing parked there.
'It was a good idea' I say to my missus.
'Eh?' she says
'That tractor.' I say, pointing.
'Yeah but a bit over-used, I think.' she responds.
'Yeah, your right!' I say back, quietly agreeing with her.

We're about halfway through the back end of the common when we see something sat on the floor - a woman! As we walk over we can hear her humming a tune to herself. Her things are placed about her, tidily and in order; her book, a travel blanket spread out, a small flask and some half eaten bread ham rolls, but something is wrong. Even the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) feel it and stay a fair distance away. My missus walks over to her.
'Hello, are you all right?' says my missus. Not a flicker of a response from this woman.
'I'll stay here and you go back to the house and phone Nick.' says my missus.
'You take it easy and don't do anything silly.' I say as I leave to return to the house. Ten minutes later and I'm waiting for Nick in the back paddock.
'This better not be one of your lots idea of a laugh.' Nick says.
'Just how do you do that? And it's not one of our pranks' I say.
'Just how do I do what?' says Nick.
'Quietly appear out of nowhere.' I say.
'It's all in the training and where is this woman!' says Nick.
'She's out on the common.' I say and we leave through the back paddock. Nick looks at the tractor.
'That's got to go, you know that don't you?'
'Yep, I know. It's been good while it's lasted' I say and we both look at it with a sense of loss and carry on to where my missus is stood still with this woman wandering around.

'Hello, has she said anything?' Nick says to my missus.
'Nothing at all, just keeps wandering around carrying a photo, I think. You can just see it in her hand.' says my missus.
'Right, then, I think this calls for an ambulance.' says Nick and he starts to radio for assistance.
'And where do you two think your going?' says Nick.
'We're taking the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) for their walk.' my missus says.
'Ho no your not, I need a statement!' says Nick.
'Can't it wait until the morning?' I say.
'No it can't, this is very important. Do you know just how many people are abandoned by their relatives and this is looking like one to me. I had one the other month in Duffton so you hang on here.' says Nick.

We both look at each other and then Nick. It's something you don't consider, do you? Dumping a member of the family just because they're out of date. I look at the missus, daughter and then at my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM), then at this not even 'old' woman. It's clear to see why she's here - dumped by her family as she is quite ill and unresponsive to anyone! She could be my mum and I'm in a state of shock. I talk to my missus but I know she's not hearing. She's as shocked as I am! Then, out of the blue, two ambulance men arrive and start to do their thing and I say to Nick
'If you want us we'll be in the house with the kettle on eh!'
'I need you to stay here.' says Nick in an official voice.
'OK' I say. So we're to stay and witness something that, in all my years, I wish never to witness ever again! It takes all of ten minutes to pick her things up and pack her away into the ambulance. She isn't upset; she doesn't smile or wave, just sits in the ambulance as if she is waiting for something. Nothing is found on her to tell us who she is - not even a label in her clothes is left in place! All of us go back into the house not speaking. We sit at the kitchen table and have a cup of tea. Nick then takes the statements from each of us and duly writes them down. Then he says
'Ok, sorry about that. I mean keeping you there. It's not nice but my rules say I have to do that.'
'It's ok, Nick.' we both say in union. Then my misses is really upset and Nick says at least she didn't wander off only leaving a pile of clothes!
'Just how many do you have each year then Nick>?' I say.
'Around 4 a year.' says Nick. With that he gets up to leave us and log in his report. The back door clicks shut!

We sit in the front room not speaking. Nothing is said, nothing could be said. Massey (GOD BLESS'UM) comes over, presses her head into my leg and I give her a cuddle! It is 02.00 before I can say anything to my missus!

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