h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Thpppttptt spthppptpt ptthtthtptt pths spths spt!
Sphtthhht spt pth pt spth spthhptppptpt!

Oh hang on, I haven't got a trumpet - I a trombonist dammit!

are you?

Still, very impressive!

Certainly am. Even used to get paid for playing evenings and weekends back when I was at school. Taught it too. Considered it as a career even.

so what happened?

Well I could have made a living but only just - I was good enough but no better. I came to the conclusion that I'd rather carry on enjoying it as something to do in my spare time.

It seems to have been the right decision - I almost went mad as a choral exhibitioner at college, so I think I would probably have stopped liking music if it were my job. (I was doing so much music at college that several people thought that it was my subject...)

Well I probably meant spectacular there. But I think I kind of prefer how it actually came out.

I prefer "spectucular", it has a feeling of individuality about it...

Good night you two - thanks for helping to make today a big success. Sleep well!

No, no, thank *you*! Goodnight!

I've always wanted to ask a Trombonist this -

have you ever been playing and let go of the handlely-curvey-end-bit (whatever it's called) and made it go flying across the room? In a comedy way? Hopefully hitting someone in the process?

Oops! Just posted a goodnight message in a different forum entirely. Oh well, since everyone's over here now, Good night! Thanks for having me! It's been great fun.

*now everybody sneaks back to the forum I just came from...*

I wish I could supply you with a less boring answer, but the angle you hold a trombone at means that if the slide does fly off, it hits the floor and clatters at your feet. In fact if you're sat down, it'll probably hit the floor before it falls off the end.

No, that's no fun as an answer is it?

OK, yes, I work as a freelance assassin/comedian. I perform a variety of tricks, and my favourites include: (1) the trombone slide as comedy hook, appearing slowly from off-screen, looping over someone's neck and then promptly breaking it. (2) the poison water key - as you'll know if you've ever had to share an orchestra pit with a brass section, all brass instruments fill up with a highly toxic liquid (distilled breath of brass player), and I like to sneak up on people (quite a skill if you're brandishing a trombone), and spray them in the face from the spit outlet at the end of the slide. (3) the Oddjob hat mute - not strictly a slide trick this one, the hat mute is used for getting that 'wah' sound from a brass instrument, but mine is lined with a steel razor blade, which can be used for decapitating entire woodwind sections. (You'd be surprised how much call there is for that particular service.)

I don't actually have anything else to say, I just wanted to make the point that this is my 100th post of the day!
G'night all!

Thanks mate - my life is now so much better! I was kind of hoping for something along the lines of the slide (?) flying off and hitting the conductor in the face or something, in front of a massive audience, or something, but my humour was always _extremely_ low brow