h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Away from the sound of steps is the Karaoke machine, primed and ready for some truly awful crooning to take place*
OK, who's up first?

What you hauled the machine down the stairs from the bathroom?

Who's going to sing 'I Will Survive' *first* then...?

Maybe that should be 'A Karaoke machine'...
I didn't know there was one in the bathroom
Still, a disco is as good as place as a bathroom
*Jumps up on stage*
"First I was afraid, I was petrified,
Thinking how de la de da dee dum di dum"

Mime!!

I just don't know the words
you sing
*Hands mike to Saint Lisa*

Hey, don't call me that! Ooh, erm, let me think..

At first I was afraid I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And so you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me
Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now
Coz you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did I crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive;
I've got all my life to live,
I've got all my love to give and I'll survive,
I will survive. Hey hey.
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying' hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart,
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you,
And so you feel like dropping in
And just expect me to be free,
Now I'm savin' all my lovin' for someone who's lovin' me
Go on now.. etc.

*Generous applause from Mrgrunt*
My go!
I'd like to sing, if I may, a little love song by Genesis, which goes like this...
"Need I say I love you
Need I say I care
Need I say that emotion's,
Something we don't share
I don't want to be sitting here
Trying to deceive you
Cos you know I know baby
That I don't wanna go.

We cannot live together
We cannot live apart
That's the situation
I've known it from the start
Every time that I look at you
I can see the future
Cos you know I know babe
That I don't wanna go.

Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Is there nothing that I can say
To make you change your mind
I watch the world go round and round
And see mine turning upside down
You're throwing it all away.

Now who will light up the darkness
Who will hold your hand
Who will find you the answers
When you don't understand
Why should I have to be the one
Who has to convince you
Cos you know I know baby
That I don't wanna go.

Someday you'll be sorry
Someday when you're free
Memories will remind you
That our love was meant to be
Late at night when you call my name
The only sound you'll hear
Is the sound of your voice calling
Calling after me.

Just throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
There's nothing I can say
We're throwing it all away
Yes we're throwing it all away..."

Woooooooohh!!!!!!!! *cheers and applauds*

Who next?

There is freedom within, there is freedom without.
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup.
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost.
But you'll never see the end of the road while you travel with me

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream its over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come, to build a world between us
We know that they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possesions are causing me suspiscioun but theres no proof
In the paper today, tales of waring and waste
But you turn right over too the TV page.

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream its over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come to build a wall between us
We know that they won't win

Now I'm walking again, to the beat of the drum
And I'm counting the steps to the doors of your heart
Only shadows ahead, barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and release

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream its over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come, to build a wall between us
We know that they won't win

Don't let them win....

*claps him an' all*

These mist covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be
Some day you'll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you'll no longer burn
To be brothers in arm

Through these fields of destruction
Baptism of fire
I've watched all your suffering
As the battles raged higher
And though they did hurt me so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones

Now the sun's gone to hell
And the moon's riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die
But it's written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We're fools to make war
On our brothers in arms

No time, no place, to talk about the weather
The promise of love is hard to ignore
They said the chance wasn't getting any better
Labour of love is ours to endure
Highest branch on the apple tree
It was my favourite place to be
I could here them breaking free
But they could not see me.

I will run for shelter
Endless summer lift the curse
It feels like nothing matters in our private universe.

I have all I wan't, is that simple enough
A whole lot more I'm thinking of
Every night around six o'clock
The birds come back to the pond to talk
They talk to me, birds talk to me
If I go down on my knees

I will run for shelter
Endless summer, Lift the curse
It feels like nothing matters in our Private Universe

And its a pleasure that I have known,
And its a treasurs that I have gained,
And its a pleasure that I have known...

Its a tight squeeze but I won't let go!
Time is on the table and the dinners cold!

I will run for shelter
endless summer lift the curse.
It feels like nothing matters in our Private Universe,
I will run for shelter
Endless summer lift the curse
It feels like nothing matters in our Private Universe....

Phew! I've gotta stop singing, one of my lungs have burst allready. But that won't stop me!

*Leaps up on the stage and starts a slow smoochy number*

*Tinkly slow Jazz piano starts in the background*

This one goes out to all the people out there who are in luuurrve...

Poets often use many words
To say a simple thing
It takes thought and time and rhyme
to make a poem sing
These music and words I've been playing;
for you I have written a song
To be sure that you know what I'm saying
I'll translate as I go along...

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars
In other words "Hold my hand"
In other words "Darling kiss me"

Fill my heart with song
and let me sing for evermore
you are all I long for
all I worship and adore
in other words "please be true"
in other words "I love you"

Keep going mate!

Well I thought about the army
dad said "son, you're f*cking high"
and I thought "yeah, there's a first for everything"
so I took my old man's advice
Three sad semesters
It was only 15 grand
sit in bed I thought about the army
I dropped out and joined a band instead...

*plink-plink-plonk-plink-plonk-plink-plonk-plink*

...grew a moustache and a mullet
got a job at Chic-filet
citing "artistic differences" the band broke up in May
and in June reformed without me
and they got a different name
I nuked another Grandma's apple pie
and hung my head in shame...

I've been thinking a lot today...

Ohhhhoh I think I'll write a screenplay
Ohhhhoh I think I'll take it to LA
Ohhhoh I think I'll get it done yesterdayhayhay
Oh, sh*t

Doo doo doo, de dum dum de *piano solo*

In this time of introspection
on the eve of my election
I say to my reflection
"God, please spare me more rejection"
cause my peers they criticise me
and my ex-wives all despise me
try to put it all behind me
but my redneck past is nipping at my heels...

...I've been thinking a lot today
I've been thinking a lot today
I've been thinking a lot today
I thought about the army.