h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OK, I've got this work of comedy fiction called Mucous Manhattan. Warning - It's *very*, *very* surreal. At first glance it may just look like a load of gibberish, and that may well be the case, but please bear with it because I'm certain there are some gems in there somewhere. I only have the first chapter online at the moment but I have second almost complete if you managed to finish the first one.

Mucous Manhattan, Chapter 1 - http://www.h2g2.com/A424766

Please tell me what you think...

Hmm, taken a while for someone to respond, hasn't it?

I'd be curious to know what sort of effect you were aiming for (and if you say 'humorous' I will be forced to attack you with a rubber chicken ). Obviously there's structure in the recurring sentences and deaths and in the brevity of the sentences themselves.

It reads a bit like a monologue - which is good. The character you seem to have created would speak like that. It's film noir gone wrong, that sort of thing. Yes?

With this in mind, I don't think it's actually all that surreal. There is some surrealism there, and it works; some of the random comments don't, though - like the eating bits. It makes it look a little childish, whereas the rest of it isn't.

I like the awkward reptition of names; the way you don't replace a description with he, but drag it out by saying 'nearby drug merchant' over and again. I think that works.

It is a little hard to keep track of...I don't think that's a major problem, but perhaps some reorganizing of sentences would make the narrative more easy to follow - there doesn't seem to be a set order for the repeated phrases to occur - might it be better if you defined one - so he could say someone's dead, then that he's annoyed, then that he ate something - always in that order. And you could gradually add things so that the list grows.

This sort of thing is very hard to pull off as the written word. You really need something else going on other than the narrative and the delivery of the lines. I don't know what. It could work very well as a spoken item; although its success would depend just as much on the delivery of the lines and the persona of the character speaking them as on the lines themselves. Pauses would provide great effect - Get the audience thinking 'is he going to say he ate something? Is he? Yes - there he goes!' Anticipation is a great weapon in the comedian's arsenal. If you still want to keep it as a written piece, you could fit pauses in too.

It is without doubt a little long. Some judicial editing (always the hardest part of the process and arguably the most beneficial) would polish it and give it an edge.

All the best,

KC

Brilliant! Thanks loads! I never expected this much constructive criticism.

Some great ideas there. I think you're right about it working better if it were spoken. I could always turn it into some kind of radio play but generally I preffer writing.

With that in mind, I like your idea about making it slightly less random. Personally, I find some of the random stuff hilarious but isn't that always the way with your own work?
My original idea was not to have any real plot at all but perhaps that won't work. It probably needs some kind of structure and continuity to keep people reading.

I've also decided to diversify it by making Mucous have conversations with people. Wait! I've got it! The story starts off perfectly normally but then something happens (maybe he takes some dope?) and slowly everything becomes more and more surreal. BUT(!), at the same time he has to solve a murder. Brilliant! Sorted! I'm going to start working on it right now!

And yes, it is film noir gone wrong.

Thanks again,

Jamie.

You're welcome! Glad it seems to have been of some use!

I think your idea of a degeneration of the character & story following drug use is great. You could use this to keep all the random stuff, and also to make the repititions even funnier if they were distorted echos of stuff he narrates when unaffected - for example, maybe he'd kick things when annoyed, saying things like 'I kicked the table' etc. After drug intake, this turns into your 'I ate the table'. Stuff like that.

You could make it a gradual degeneration rather than an instantaneous one; making things gradually getting weirder. It's a really good concept.

Oh - and I never mentioned that 'Mucous Manhatten' is a very cool name.