In this world, there are many types of people. There are jocks, who obsess about physical fitness. There are dorks, who develop their brains and accept people for who they are. There are goths, who reject society and revel in their inner darkness. And then there are humatons.

'Humaton' is a word first used by Jake Horsely, formed by combining the words 'human' and 'automaton' - in other words, an organic machine. We are not talking about cyborgs here, nor do we mean cool Asimovian robots. I'm talking about industrial machinery, the purpose of which is to perpetuate the Matrix and destroy dissenters. They are not made of metal, but flesh. They are not in a physical factory, but all over the world. They are the people who think that the Matrix is good.

In a column such as this, there can be some confusion as to the meaning of the word 'reality.' Literally, the Matrix is real; it has a semi-tangible existence. Spiritually, however, it is all false - a total lie. People use TVs as eyes, through which they look upon the rich, the successful, the 'real' - celebrities. At one point, there was actually some good to be gained by being a celebrity. Nowadays, it is all about getting lots of money, smiling for the cameras, and having your every move documented by scruple-free reporters and photographers who want nothing more than to find something in your private life that they can tell the world about. Typically, this is something that is not illegal in any way and which happens to regular people a whole lot, but because you are a celebrity, it actually means something to humatons. However, I am digressing here, as I want to save celebrity worship for a future edition.

Getting back to humatons... there are a few rules that they define themselves by. For one thing, they always define themselves by externals. They measure their own life circumstances against others, add up their material possessions and the amount of sex they have had, and extrapolate their happiness level based on that. They also gang up on non-humatons to bring them around to their way of thinking. I actually had the following conversation a couple of years ago. The name of the other person has been changed.

'Jim': 'Why do you grow your hair so long? Don't you realize people laugh at you?'

Me: 'I've never seen them, plus if all you say is true, then most of them are total strangers. Why should I let the opinions of people I don't know affect the way I feel?'

Jim: 'But... people do laugh, and they think you look ridiculous.'

Me: 'So? I don't care what people think of me.'

Jim: 'Well, you should.'

Me: 'Why?'

Jim: 'So you'll be happy.'

Hmm, after all that talk in religion class about happiness coming from within and not letting other people make you feel bad about yourself, where does this fit in? However, I once had a serious humaton for a religion teacher, who for one exercise asked us to choose which three of various imaginary people we would like to be friends with. One would always make sure you were loved, one would get you out of any trouble you found yourself in, one would give you IQ equal to the temperature of the sun in kelvins, etc.. We were then told that happiness comes from the love and perception of outsiders, and not from within. Oddly enough, I never felt happy when I worried about that faeces, but once I gave up and searched for inner fulfillment, I found proper happiness in just a few hours. Literally. Humatons consider this impossible.

The holy grail of all humatons is fame. They are always searching for an unholy trinity of fame, money, and respect, but search primarily for fame, since it presupposes the other two. Once they get the money, they are incredibly selfish with it, acting all superior and splashing out on huge, impressive, expensive, useless stuff. They only give to charity if it is fashionable, and spend more on the publicity and the (exclusive) fundraising event itself than they actually give to the poor people¹.

Humatons have no real ambitions. Kids do. When they grow up, they want to save the world, be an ice cream taste tester, and other fun stuff. For a secondary school level humaton, their ultimate dream job is actually possible. This is unacceptable in all but a few cases
(e.g. astronaut), as it shows a total lack of determination and imagination. For many, their highest goal is to be something like an accountant or an engineer (when limits and consensus reality are not to be taken into account). While these jobs are both necessary, and I can
certainly appreciate the difficulties involved, they should be realistic goals rather than highest dream jobs. After all, if you were given a choice of being an accountant or an ice cream tester, which would you choose?

Humatons have strange attitudes to sex. They all want it and are obsessed by it, yet the subject also revolts them. This is why the new movie Nine Songs is so controversial - it simply depicts sex in a realistic, explicit way, and this is wrong. Sex on screen should
be ridiculously aerobic and impossible for all but the most incredible athletes - which, according to Hollywood, is what all real huma(to)ns are.

Humatons do not feel true emotions. In place of love, they feel sentimentality. In place of anger, they feel indignation. In place of grief, regret. In place of sympathy or empathy, pity. In place of disgust, displeasure. In place of envy, jealousy. In place of satisfaction, pride (they're comparing themselves to others again).

I will talk more about humatons in the next issue. Until we meet again, my friend, this is Hussassan, signing off.

Thee Incredible Weirdness of Being Archive

Hussassan

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