Vengence of the Gods

You can always tell when I've left a Post article too late. It just shows. Sometimes I can scrape my way in like a mini in a parking space designed for a smart car, or something like that. Anyway here it goes.

So for this week, ridden with flu rendering my painting schedule assunder¹, I plan to divulge some detail on the afflictions suffered by me and my painting/modelling kinsmen. May the golden goblin help us.

• Creaky Finger - Whilst many people who use the computer get this, painters get it worse. Why? Well because most of it involves keeping your hand steady for a very long time with only slight movements. That's my theory anyway. This usually gives like a bruised feeling to most of the hand and hurts like the devil himself. Obviously to stop this you should take a break or slob in front of the tele and give your hands a chance to stretch. But then again if you're out like me you'll just grunt and bare the pain. This does, however, build finger muscles and gives you the amazing ability to bend the tip of your ring finger. This does actually help painting (you can hold three brushes now, if you're clever, in one hand).
• The Hunchback - Ah the most noble of afflicitions! This can develop after several hours sitting on the floor at the end of a long day, hunched over a painting desk. You know when you have this down to a tee when you try to move your back. The result won't be painful, more discomfort, encouraging you to lean back to you previous position. Sliding down so that you're lying flat and staying there for a while usually solves the trick.
• Pallette thumb - I should probably use this one to warn people about the dangers of getting paint on your nails, or any other part of your body². But I'm far too lazy. Basically when doing details such as eyes, some painters tend to use their thumb nail to hold the paint so they can see exactly how much they're using. This usually dries quickly and, if you decide to use varnish, usually stays there for a few days too. It doesn't hurt and persistant scraping will get it off. Just be sure to check for it before you go to college etc. Just you try explaining bright red paint on a finger nail that's been varnished.
• Re-ape-ification - This has only happened to me once. Man evolved from Monkey, and man can go back. Basically after a particularly long session of painting like a maniac, no questions were asked to anyone about anything. The TV people talked to fast, too loud, and bizarre mouth moves. The turny thing for the light box went missing, and the microwave didn't work when I bashed it, no matter how hard. Like a wandering neanderthal, you are reduced to Ugs and arghs and bashing. Knuckles will drag along the ground and you usually end up on all fours when moving around. Food ends up being scooped and shoved rather then picked up and prepared³. Those other things what come from the light box but can be touched knock on the door to your cave and ask things⁴. Beware, for this is not a rational condition and may cause extreme homelessness when confronted by the home owner.
• Wobbly eye - This has to be one of the most bizarre things the human body does. Basically this can occur after several hours painting (see either above or below) at any time. I've found it happens mainly when I focus in on something close for ages then switch to staring at the tv. The eyelid, or maybe the eye, spasms completely and whilst not painful⁵ it can be a bit scarey after a while. Also your vision wobbles on one side slightly and it can be very frightening. Again like most of the other ailments here, a nice break can sooth this.
• Gollum Disease - Gollum's disease, recognised by the marevellous Doctor S Gollum, is an advanced form of the Hunchback. The sufferer will have followed all the same lines for the Hunchback, except instead of a few hours, they spend about 9 or so, usually covering midnight and dawn. The result is a creature who can quite easily (and will readily) move about on four legs⁶. The condition is only complete once the eyes go blood shot. Anything else is laughable. Expect extreme pain no matter what you do unless it's painting or hacking. Also another side effect is to have your mum stagger down stairs and ask the immortal question 'Do you know what time it is?'. Only true sufferers will say 'Of course I do - that's why I'm painting.' or, even better, 'You should go back to bed. I'll wake you up for work when I stop painting.' This will nearly always result in a very cold night the following day, somewhere in the rain. Oh and also a wonderfully painted figure.

These become both blessings and curses. Through the acheivement of these states your models will undoubtably be perfect. Your health won't - but does that really matter to a painter?

Happy painting

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