h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

... in a way that the person won't believe you! This is what I did when my mum asked me the most embarrassing and personal question whilst I was trying on a pair of trousers in a changing room at a clothes shop. I was in my early 20s and eveyone in the shop could hear my mum. I said 'Yes, mum!' in a tone that she wouldn't believe and with a big smile on my face. Anyway, it did the trick and it shut her up.

Changing the subject often helps, as long as the person isn't too persistent.

Otherswise, the best ways of dealing with questions you don't want to answer are to be honest and say things like: 'I'm not ready to talk about this right now' or 'It's honestly none of your business' or 'I haven't made my mind up yet'.

Questioned about a dress, hairstyle, new shirt, if a truthful reply would hurt (ie 'Yes, it does make your bum look fat', or 'I really don't like it on you'), I have often resorted to the 'It's interesting' tactic. Truth told and honours even.

My aunt used to use the phrase, "Well, it's clean!" when my other aunt asked her an opinion about hideous clothing. Damned by faint praise, is how it used to be described.

The same aunt once suggested I was "retarded" for still being in education in my 20's - I was at university for goodness sake!

Spike Millingan in, I think, "Adolph Hitler: His part in My Downfall." said that he contracted pubic lice. There was a medication called Blue Unction which was used to treat nothing else. He tentatively went into the chemist and asked in a quiet voice, "Blue unction, please."
The pharmacist in a louder voice said "Blue Unction?"
Spike Milligan replied at the top of his voice, "Yes! Blue Unction - I've got crabs!"

Willy Rushton had a similar experience in a chemist shop when trying to discretely buy condoms. When the assistant raised her voice and asked, "What sort of condoms?" he cried out, "I'll take two dozen of the biggest you've got!"

Don't keep us in suspenders... what was the question your mum asked you in the shop, Zarquon's Singing Fish?

...

"Does this dress make me look fat?"
"No, your fat makes you look fat."

No, I think I'll pass on that one. And I would need to remember her exact words, which I now dont't. Sufficient to say, it was embarrassing at the time.

A friend of mine was trying to avoid his mother when he was a young teenager. She had taken him to buy new school trousers and he hated having her in the shop with him. She made him try on every pair and he was getting angrier and angrier. In a fit of temper in the changing room he pulled up the zip too quickly and cought a piece of sensitive skin in the zip. His screams could be heard through the shop - as could his mother's voice screaming "Let me through! My son's caught his teddy in his zip!",

Aargh!