h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The Gentleman's Gentleman's Guide To Polishing Shoes - A29580609
Author: SWL™ You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into. - U1775547

Stand by your beds!

I love the angle and tone of this entry.
I have only recently purchased a pair of shoes that requires this kind of regular polish, and received an extensive tutorial on how to do so. Unfortunately, the woman attacking the shoes with brushes and polish was not unattractive, and so I was unable to retain any of that knowledge. Consequently, I can't really add anything to your entry, except to say that I would wager I'll be consulting it in the future

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How dare you, sir!

Very nice. Although I haven't used this method, I've never had shinier boots than when a young man I used to know spat on them for me. I don't suppose he was eating much venison.

My grandad was a regimental sergeant major and *always* spat on his boots.

No mention of setting fire to the polish before starting? I always wondered what that did.

Should have said that the method we used when growing up was three brushes and a duster. The brushes all had names, but I haven't been able to find them now, so I just use cloths. When in a hurry I use a pot of leather balsalm which shines up lovely but isn't so satisfying or long lasting.

My preferred method:

I remove mud
I put on polish
I remove polish

Duster to shine

Sorry, 'I remove polish' was actually 'I shine'.

Must get these things correct...

Dammit - that's version II there. My laptop crashed just as I hit the upate button first time round. Setting fire to polish is a lot of cobblers, so to speak, as all you're doing is burning off the solvents, oils and wax that help to condition the leather. Heating the polish does help however, as does heating the boot.

I'll update this later.

Absolutely brilliant, SWL I smiled and chuckled and roared on occasion all the way through. Love the humour. Truly inspired.

Only one tiny comment. Could you very briefly footnote your very last sentence? Only because someone in the Ukraine or Madagascar reading this may not 'get' that you are not suggesting something illegal

Well done, SWL - a great read!

You'll need to improve this clumsy sentence:



And the last sentence will never make it past the Editors, but I guess you knew that

Icy

Yeah - that sentence I did improve it, then lost it when the laptop crashed. As it was about 3am when I re-wrote it, I was leaving it until I was more awake to tackle it again.

And the last line is more of throwaway giggle anyway

That rare combination, both informative and entertaining SWL

OK, I've attacked the dodgy sentence and added a para on breaking-in.

God Bob man you've missed out an essential region of the said fotware that it is absolutely derigeur to polish. What about under the instep on the sole side. F'ward of the heel and immediately aft the worn part of the sole.

A chap can spot a bounder a mile away if he's kneeling down and exposing the underside of his boot. Obviously not a cavalry man, what.

Quite so - one does tend to forget the basics when addressing the lumpen proletariat. However, you are yourself an imposter I fancy. The only worn soles a cavalryman has are located due North of his boots.

Navy dear chap, Navy.

It's looking really good! I can imagine myself coming back here next time I get a new pair of leather boots, to try the breaking in stuff.

To be honest, I broke in my leather boots using a biologically-manufactured source of ammonia. But then again, I am a dirty prole...

Me too Psycorp. That and a route march that conveniently removed all the skin from my feet. My boots subsequently healed onto them.

Well, call me a cloth-cap, but I've never owned leather footwear. I still rolled around on my back like some kind of cackling, colectivist beetle on reading this.



One thing: what the hell is 'blanco'?

I don't think you mean Griselda 'the Black Widow' Blanco.

Blanco is the khaki-coloured paint/dye used by soldiers to paint their webbing straps.