Meet Mr Inquisitor
Hello again everyone, and welcome once more to the Post interview column that doesn't know what
'redux' means either... With the so-called replacement Mr Inquisitor still missing in action (or 'on
his hols' as I believe it's known) it's down to me to give another upstanding h2g2 member a
thorough seeing to.
Joining us in the oubliette this week is the imposing figure of Vicki
Virago, keen to share her tripe with us, apparently. And speaking of which...
The first thing that strikes me is that you appear to be recovering from a surgical procedure
of some kind. Is this anything that might affect your ability to assist the Inquisition with its
Nah...I can sit and type all day.
It was just a camera in the tummy to have a look at my 'bits' I've been suffering from
abdominal pain for the past 7 months or so. They thought it was appendicitis back in January, but
I'm still here, so perhaps not!
Hmmm. Anyway, from your personal space I see you are a biker, so presumably when not
gracing h2g2 with your presence you're howling down the blacktop with an enormous lump of hot
throbbing metal clamped between your thighs. What on earth can be the appeal of this...?
If only! With the mixture of me being a fair weather biker (wussy, I know) and the fact that I
can't ride my bike when on my painkillers, means I've only been out on her four times this year!
But yes, you're right. There's absolutely nothing better than something hot and throbbing in
between my legs (am I allowed to say that?). It's really great being able to jump traffic queues on
the way home, or seeing it's a beautiful day and setting off on the bike. Unfortunately, the mile
radius of the bike is 100 miles before I need to fill up, so I'm constantly going to the petrol
station. That's the problem with having a sexy custom bike instead of a really horrible sports thing!
The looks you get when you take your helmet off is brilliant... 'Jeeez, it's a woman!' Although, I
would have thought that it's pretty obvious with the size of my backside that I am indeed a
I've decided that if I were to become Prime Minister, I would make every road user do their
bike test and six months riding around on a bike. You become soooo much more aware of the road
and other idiotic road users. You have to consider everyone as trying to slam into the side of you so
your eyes do get a bit sore from darting around all the time. Mind you, me riding a bike gives
everyone peace and quiet…it's the only time I stop talking!
Throbbing... helmet... backside.... sorry, I was miles away. Moving on, I'm guessing from
reading your convo list that you're a bit of a fan of the work of Professor Tolkien. Do you consider
the Dark Lord Sauron to be a primal avatar of ultimate supernatural evil, or just a lighthouse with
a bad attitude?
*interviewee wiggles her bottom*
Sauron is like me with a bad head! Tolkien was an amazing writer. To spend so long researching
into a book to create such a large expanse of history to go with it… I mean, have we seen anything
like it since? No. Not even Raymond E Feist, who is another favourite author of mine, can take
that accolade from Tolkien.
I'm doing a guide entry on Aragorn at the moment and having thought I'd done enough research to
do it, only find that there are quite a few gaps still left to fill. I'm struggling to get it finished now
as people keep appearing saying 'oh, you've missed this out' and 'what about when he did this'.
I digress… Sauron a primal avatar of ultimate supernatural evil, or just a lighthouse with a bad
attitude? Firstly, I had to look up the word avatar…can't find it (throws dictionary in bin), so I'll
have a good educated guess at what it meant. Is he the source of all evil? Erm, too right! But he
succumbs to the charming good looks of Aragorn and two hobbits.
You may wiggle as much as you like, but the Inquisition is above such lesser distractions. Or
so I'm fervently telling myself. On the subject of the man of a thousand names, are you in any
position to give an insight into the extraordinary effect Viggo Mortensen has on ladies of a certain
age? Or is this another one of the secrets of the ga-ga sisterhood?
Are you sure you can't be tempted?
Viggoooooo!!!!! It's his rugged good looks. It's the muscles in his arms. It's those eyes!!! ...and
that backside... He doesn't quite do it for me in real life, but with that hair as Aragorn...
PPPHHHWWWWOOOOOAAAAARRRRR!!!!!! *faints into a heap on the floor whilst dreaming
You know, readers, she's beginning to remind me of my mother.
Onto current affairs: do you think British law should be changed to allow Prince Charles to
marry Sir Elton John? (Our lawyers have insisted we add the words 'should he so wish, entirely
hypothetically' at the end of that question.)
Huh!!!! For me to legally be your mother, you'd have to only be 12….and if a child of mine were
asking questions like this at the age of 12, he'd be in biiiiiiiiiig trouble!!
Prince Charles marry Sir Elton John? I think the law should be changed so Charles can never
marry again….*suddenly thinks she'd best be careful on this one* I'd best refrain from any
further comment on that one else I might get myself into trouble.
One thing I would like to see though is better treatment for childless couples. For example,
someone I know is married to a guy who has four kids from a previous relationship. She on the
other hand, has none. Due to 'problems' they can't have kids together, but because he has four kids
from a previous relationship, they won't allow them help on the NHS for her to fall pregnant. Their
theory is 'she can have one by another man if she so wishes'. Totally unfair, and totally cruel and
(The minion who did the background research will have to be excruciated, she's much younger
than I thought! Hmmm... wonder if she fancies being Mrs Inquisitor?)
We're getting perilously close to proper serious issues here, and we can't have that!
Emma Bunton seems to be the only ex-Spice Girl still shifting records, when much bigger and
bolder talents have fallen by the wayside. Does this demonstrate the excessive value modern culture
places on blondeness, or is it simply that the youth of today has crap taste in music?
Do I want to be Mrs Inquisitor? Hmmmmm...does that mean I can do nasty things to people?
Only me, and it depends what you mean by 'nasty'...
Ahhhh….music industry. I hate it. Give me a good bit of rock music and I'm happy! There's
nothing quite like it...being in a biker pub with 1970's and 1980's (perhaps 1990's) rock music
blaring out and everyone head-banging in time with each other! Wonderful stuff!!!
But if you're talking about pop music…you have to fit the mould don't you. Gotta be really
pretty with a big bust and legs up to your armpits. It doesn't give those with true talent a chance
to show what they can actually do. Music should be exactly that. Music. Not an image that goes
with it. I was listening to a couple of music channels on the TV over the weekend. It was Anthems
weekend. So many more of them were rock than pop. Just goes to show more people tend to
remember good songs and will sing along with them 20 or 30 years later, than these one hit wonders
that are being banded about at the moment.
All I can say is can the music producers please concentrate on what sounds good instead of what
Fair comment. Now then, what was it like working with Jim Davidson for all those years, and
what's your favourite snooker trick shot?
Oh it's been a scream! An absolute scream!
Oh the stories I could tell you about Jimmy! There was this one time when we were getting
ready to do the show. The contestants were there. The audience was in. We were about to
introduce the show…..and he got all nervous and shy. Could you believe it! I mean, how many years
has he been doing the show for! (Do you think the readers are believing this?)
I'm not sure, but anyone bothering to read this far can't be overly encumbered with critical
faculties, that's for damn certain.
No. Seriously. I can't stand snooker! Having got a fella who used to be a team captain…snooker
drives me crazy!
(sound of Mr Inquisitor's tiny brittle heart quietly breaking)
Something tells me the researchers have let me down again. Never mind, we have a fine
Meet Mr Inquisitor tradition of participants of a poetic bent, such as your good self,
knocking out a few stanzas on the subject of being interviewed. Would you like to take a swing at
Oh goodness! Poetry…Oh, I do have to be in the right mood *fumbles with thumbs and
Right then...lets see what I can come up with…
It wasn't me!
Don't you see!
She cried to the Inquisitor
Let me be!
You don't know me!
But he knew her from before
Or so he thought
Until he sought
The answer to his question
The solution you see
Was in the key
The Virago has a suggestion
That the key
To the biscuit tin
Would cause them all to worry
They couldn't decide
Should they confide
Another key to Paully
And I have now been told that I have to give mother dear recognition that she helped in this. But
Cor - those sound suspiciously like Kate Bush lyrics! By the way, what do you think Kate Bush
has been up to for the last ten years?
Erm... Righto... Kate Bush…didn't she go a little doolally (allegedly that is)?
She's most probably bought a castle somewhere and is hiding out there. She comes out at night
and terrorises the locals! (Allegedly!!!)
Well then, Vicki Virago, thanks for assisting the Inquisition. Before we wrap up, what's the
one question you would have least enjoyed being asked?
It's been a pleasure Mr Inquisitor! Mind you… Any chance you can take these shackles off now?
They're beginning to rub a little and I do have such delicate skin.
As for the question I would have least enjoyed… Erm… Not quite sure. I suppose you don't know
until you've been asked it and decide that you don't want to answer it. Erm... *scratches
head* Can I refrain from answering that one please?
Looks like she already has, eh readers? Thanks again to Vicki Virago for volunteering to answer
my silly questions. The Inquisition is dependent on such right-minded citizens in order to keep this
sorry excuse for a column going, so if you think you have the wit and wisdom (and backside) to
follow in her footsteps, please contact us via Shazz the Editor's email address. Or, why not shop a
friend? Until next time, I've been Mr Inquisitor - ta-ta!