h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Combed my email archive... here's the highlights. Use what you like.

>One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her church.
>"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem. My husband keeps falling
>asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
>
>"I have an idea", said the minister. "Take a hatpin with you. I'll be
>able to
>tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I'll motion to you. When I do, you
>give him a poke in the leg."
>
>In church, the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
>preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for
>you?" he asked, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
>
>"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.
>
>"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
>
>Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who
>is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs.
>Jones.
>
>"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
>
>"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again
>winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked
>up the tempo of his sermon, he made a motion that Mrs. Jones mistook
>as the signal to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
>
>As the minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
>him his 99th son?"... Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You
>stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and
>shove it up your ass!"
>"Amen!" replied the congregation.

Why Beer is Better than God

- You can prove you have a Beer.
- There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
- You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.
- Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over
his brand of Beer.
- When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying
to give it away.
- They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
- No beer has ever caused a major war.
- Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
- No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
- If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help
you stop.

Kids' Letters to God

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You
just keep the ones You have? - Jane

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own
rooms. It works with my brother. - Mickey

Dear God If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for You to love everybody in the whole world. There
are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan


Dear God.
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane

Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. Love,
Alison

Dear God,
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy

Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the
house? - Anita

Dear God,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -
Norma

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -
Neil

Dear God,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -
Jane

Dear God,
Did you really mean ' do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You
did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things
about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt
him anyway. Your Friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear God,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of
rest. - Tom L.

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it
up. -Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Mary Horton -
because I hate her. - Denise

Dear God,
If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want,
except my money or my chess set. - Raphael

Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all
over. - Sam

Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways - Dean

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. - Ruth M.

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliot

Dear God,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. - Rob

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're
just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha

Dear God,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did
it. So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah. "You made an ark on dry land, you fool."
But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God . Well, I just want You to
know but I am not just saying that because You are God already. - Chris

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on
Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene

All Added,

Cheers.

Here is one of my favorites (typed from memory):

One day, the Lord decides to give Saint Peter a break from watching the pearly gates, and takes the duty himself. Before long, an old man comes shuffling out of the clouds and approaches Jesus at the gates.

"Welcome to heaven," greets Jesus, "before you can enter, I need to ask a few questions."

"Ask away," says the old man.

"What was your profession when you where on the earth?"

"I was but a simple carpenter."

"Did you have any children?"

"Though not of my own flesh, I had but one son."

"Was there anything special about your son?"

"Well, he had nails in his hands, and nails in his feet."

"What is your name?"

"In this language we are now speaking it would be 'Joseph'".

Jesus peered at the old man in hope, "Dad???"

"Is that you, Pinnochio?"



-- ZenMondo

Also Added, as well as a new one of my own.

Cheers.

Hello!
I was wondering, would you like these jokes to become part of the H2G2 Joke Directory at:
http://www.h2g2.com/A227440
If you link them and let me know, they'll be added.
Oh, and you can also sign up for the Joke newsletter thing at:
http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=29080&thread=46675
Thanks

<BB<

My mom sent me this one yesterday.

The Three Religious Truths of Life:

1. The Jews don't recognize the Messiah.

2. The Protestants don't recognize the Pope.

3. Two Baptists in a liquor store don't recognize each other.

Cheers, GR.

I'll include this when I get a spare second.

Not one of those jokes started: "A priest,a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar..."

For shame!

Well if you know any, i'm happy to add them

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi walked into a bar.

That's what happens when you pay more attention to God than your surroundings...