How to be Annoying

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Part of So long and Thanks for Laughing.smiley - smiley

How to be Annoying

  • Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are
    green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
  • Drum on every available surface.
  • Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  • Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  • Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire
    copy warnings.
  • Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's
  • Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
  • Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first
  • Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
  • Set alarms for random times.
  • Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends
    in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
  • Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to
    lick the flavor off.
  • Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  • Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's
    stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
  • Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
    "croaking" noise.
  • Honk and wave to strangers, when you are on foot.
  • Dress only in clothes coloured Neon Orange.
  • Change channels five minutes before the end of every
  • Tape pieces of "The Grumbleweeds" over climactic
    parts of rentalmovies.
  • Wear your trousers backwards.
  • Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
    their complementary mints by the cash register.
  • Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
  • Rouse your housemates from slumber each morning with
    Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells one or two....or both".
  • Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and
    reroute whole streets.
  • Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  • Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  • Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
  • Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of
    someone's roadmaps.
  • Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy
    assasination/UFO/OJSimpson conspiracy theories.
  • Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:

    "Do you hear that?"


    "Never mind, it's gone now."
  • Light road flares on a birthday cake.
  • Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for
    their parsley.
  • Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
  • Demand that everyone address you as
  • Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  • At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your
  • When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells,
    Batman smells

    " until physically restrained.
  • Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
  • As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they
  • Finish the 99 green bottles song.
  • Sing the "This is the song that never
    " song.
  • Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
    (Only works on computers)
  • Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on
    the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it
    ", and repeat.
  • Name your dog "Dog".
  • Inform others that they exist only in your
  • Ask people what gender they are.
  • Reply to everything someone says with "that's
    what you think
  • Lick the filling out of all the jammy Dodgers, and
    place the biscuit parts back in the tray.
  • Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a
    Southern Drawl.
  • Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
    listener it was a "good one".
  • Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing
    the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one
  • Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying
    everything they touch with a can of Glade Air Freshener.
  • Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in
    people's brains.
  • While making presentations, occasionally bob your
    head like a parakeet.
  • Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time
    of day.
  • Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until
  • Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great
    glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand
    that people pronounce each A.
  • Sit in your front garden pointing a hair dryer at
    passing cars to see if they slow down.
  • Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
  • Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and
    see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  • Ask to "interface " with someone.
  • Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the
    faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Mow your lawn with scissors.
  • At a golf tournament, chant
    "swing-batatatatatata-suh wing-batter!"
  • Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your
    "imaginary friend".
  • Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't
  • Ask your friends mysterious questions, and scribble
    their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
  • Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as
    "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Hmmm Geoff Boycott?
  • Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a
    "magic picture".
  • Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
  • Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out
  • Do not add any inflection to the end of your
    sentences, producing silences with the impression that you'll be saying more
    any moment.
  • Never make eye contact.
  • Never break eye contact.
  • Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your
    hands over your ears.
  • Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front
  • Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and
    people with it, announcing the results.
  • Give a play-by-play account of a person's every
    action in an annoying John Motson or Jimmy Hill voice.
  • Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
  • Make appointments for the 31st of September.
  • Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

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