Part of So long and Thanks for Laughing.
How to be Annoying
- Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are
green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
- Drum on every available surface.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
- Set alarms for random times.
- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends
in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to
lick the flavor off.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's
stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
- Honk and wave to strangers, when you are on foot.
- Dress only in clothes coloured Neon Orange.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every
- Tape pieces of "The Grumbleweeds" over climactic
parts of rentalmovies.
- Wear your trousers backwards.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
their complementary mints by the cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
- Rouse your housemates from slumber each morning with
Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells one or two....or both".
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and
reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
- Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of
- Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy
assasination/UFO/OJSimpson conspiracy theories.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your
- When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells,
" until physically restrained.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they
- Finish the 99 green bottles song.
- Sing the "This is the song that never
- Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
(Only works on computers)
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on
the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it
up", and repeat.
- Name your dog "Dog".
- Inform others that they exist only in your
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's
what you think."
- Lick the filling out of all the jammy Dodgers, and
place the biscuit parts back in the tray.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a "good one".
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing
the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying
everything they touch with a can of Glade Air Freshener.
- Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your
head like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time
- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until
- Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great
glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand
that people pronounce each A.
- Sit in your front garden pointing a hair dryer at
passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
- Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and
see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
- Ask to "interface " with someone.
- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the
faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- At a golf tournament, chant
- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't
- Ask your friends mysterious questions, and scribble
their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as
"sticky wicket isn't cricket." Hmmm Geoff Boycott?
- Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
- Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out
- Do not add any inflection to the end of your
sentences, producing silences with the impression that you'll be saying more
- Never make eye contact.
- Never break eye contact.
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your
hands over your ears.
- Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front
- Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and
people with it, announcing the results.
- Give a play-by-play account of a person's every
action in an annoying John Motson or Jimmy Hill voice.
- Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
- Make appointments for the 31st of September.
- Invite lots of people to other people's parties.