Shakes fish at GOD
I have become slowly aware over several years that living with a woman is dangerous - it can seriously damage health - and shopping should carry a health warning similar to the ones carried on fag packets. So when I'm quietly sat in the shed with my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) listening to the Marconi midge (Radio 2, as it's by far the best radio station) I notice the missus striding over to the said place of residence. I knew I was in for something bad.
'I have just been hanging out the washing and I've noticed your underwear' she said
'Only just?' I said.
She looked at me and said the only words that spread the fear of GOD in me: 'SHOPPING!'
There you have it, we're to go shopping. I tried to wriggle out of it but, no, it's too late for that. I'm stood on the fire step holding the tape and the whistles are about to be blown. Good luck everyone pheeewp!
Now as every man knows it takes time for a man's personal pieces of attire to mould and adjust to an acceptable level of comfort and, on the whole, the undergarment department takes a little time extra! This stops embarrassing fidgeting in public and discomfort getting in and out of cars and so on thus purchasing the garments takes care and a little experience! So we arrive at the shopping mall. We negotiate the car park, revolving doors, get splashed by the water fountain, get rid of 12 wandering sales women and enter the department store by way of the perfume entrance, avoiding the sample sprays. We're now in the men's wear department. All the counter staff are women so I'm going to get 'what looks good rather than what's comfortable and will be taking it back tomorrow then!' under garments. And that's another thing about the difference between women and men, they (women) will buy something that they will never use or wear but will fill up that little space in the corner of the wardrobe and cost an arm and a leg in so doing! (Shoes!)
I'll take it on myself to offer a little bit of advice to men here. When buying power tools, or tools in general, don't buy for yourself. Buy for the memsahib in your life as she'll be the one using them most often. I digress...
So, I'm stood there being talked over but never to! My mind starts to wander and I'm wishing my body could follow. I'm thinking about the fact 'Why is it that men don't like to shop'? Evolution has to be the reason so at what point did it happen? Was it in the primordial soup stage? Did some amoeba shout 'SHOE SALE!' and all the female ones jump up and down, swimming off to find it!? Or was it much later and the caveman stage. Our hero brings home a nice gazelle, skins it and his missus looks at him and says the immortal word's 'I'm not wearing that, it makes my bum look big. Go out and kill me something else' 'But...' 'No BUTS, just get out there and kill me something to wear!' I'm brought back to earth with a bump!
'What colour do you like? Well?' she says then she carries on to state 'you haven't been listening to a word, have you?' I reply;
'Sorry, but no. Can I have the question again, please?'
Slightly red in the face she says
'COLOUR, WHITE OR BLUE?'
'BOTH!' I respond 'Seven pairs of each, please, then I only have to do this once a year!'
I smiled! The shop lady went off to prepare the order and I had to endure a grilling.
We pick up the package and pay for it. I like the drive home as she's driving and not saying very much. So I go back to thinking about the evolution of the male/female divide.
'What are you thinking about?' she asks.
'Nothing really. What's for lunch and I'll make it! Oh, by the way, I like those underpants you chose!' I reply.
'So just what are you thinking then?'
This is not a request, it's a demand! Not to give an honest answer would be an act of aggression and then there's no appeasement for the rest of the day, so;
'Oh nothing really. Just the fact that men don't like shopping and woman do! That's all' I reply.
There's silence and then some more silence. We turn onto the driveway - still silence from the driver, then a reply!
'It's GOD'S will and, of course, as a woman I'm right. We're always right when it comes to shopping, everything really! So, there's nothing more to be said on the matter' she says!
'Nice theory' I respond.
She tells me to get out of the car and stop thinking about it as it's not good for a man to worry about it.
'Go and try on a pair to see if they fit!'
So then there we have it, the answer to all! A true scientific explanation there then. A true theory! As with all theories it's always provisional in the sense that it is only a hypothesis. You can never prove it no matter how many times the results of the experiments agree with a theory. You can never be sure that the next time the result will not contradict the theory. But you can disprove a theory by finding a single observation that disagrees with the prediction of the theory! I think I read that somewhere once!
The hunt is on and I'm not looking too hard! Where's the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) leads?