h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

David Gower: Good evening, and welcome to the Skive preview to the h2g2 Fantasy Krikkit Twenty20 World Cup. There's a wealth of talent on show here, and I'm not just talking about Bumble's shirt!

*other pundits chuckle half-heartedly and shuffle their feet*

Let's start with Fantasy Krikkit's champions elect and bookies favourites, the Over and Outs. Mark Nicholas, how do you rate their chances?

MN: Let's get this clear right from the start. They're going to have to play with their hearts, with their minds, and with their very souls. They'll have to bat like they've never batted, bowl like they've never bowled, and field like their lives depend on it.

DG: Please stop saying everything in threes for dramatic effect, Mark.

MN: Well, David, they're going to have to go big. And when I say big, I mean big. Big and bold, big and brash, big and boisterous. They'll have to hit the pitch hard, hit the ball hard and maybe - just maybe - hit each other hard. And I think that's all we can say.

DG: Well, I think we can safely say that it's a peerlessly strong batting line-up - some might say imperious - but Vettori aside the bowlers don't look a serious threat; all either untried or unproductive. It's a strong side, but for me Andy didn't quite get the players he wanted in the first round, and too many second-stringers in the tail mean this might not be his year. Third in my view; would you agree with that?

MN: Can I ask Simon Hughes?

DG: No. Alfredo Marquez is the coach of Insufficiently Insufficient, another one of this competition's ten favourites. Nass, what do you think of their chances?

Nasser Hussain: Let's face it, David, this competition is going to be about toughness. Mental toughness. If I were a team captain, I'd want to look each of my players in the eye and say 'Are you up for it? Can you give me 110% for your country? Would you rip the still-beating hearts out of the opposition's chests and present them on a velvet cushion to Her Royal Highness herself?'

DG: And what would they say?

NH: I look at these players and see some rough edges. They're diamonds waiting to be sculpted by an appropriate combination of a gruff Zimbabwean coach and his gruff, tough captain. But for every one of these, there's a man incapable of raising a sponge to his car on a Sunday afternoon. For every dashing Dhoni, there's a depressed bloke from Coldplay. And for that alone I'd have to say: fifth.

DG: Geoffrey Boycott has joined us in the studio to give us some thoughts on Skankyrich's side, The Leftovers.

GB (for it is he): Laughable.

DG: Care to elaborate, Geoffrey?

GB: Can't bat, can't bowl, can't field. Laughable. When I was playing, you had to graft, and graft hard. If you played a short game, you'd block and block and block and hope you got a loose delivery to hit away for four on the last ball of the innings. These lads are the cricketing equivalent of Accrington Stanley - only good for selling milk. Laughable. Bottom if they're lucky.

DG: Harsh but fair. Michael Holding has taken a close look at Boptoff.

MH: [languorously] Conditions in South Africa are swinging in the early season's air, and Megachedda's attack looks well-poised to take advantage of this. Every one of the bowling attack is a swing bowler and - if they play - they should take wickets. But the batting concerns me. There are just too many pinch-hitters; we've all seen great Twenty20 performances from batsmen who hit the ball accurately rather than hard. I think they might be found out, I'm sorry to say. 9th. Bid better next time.

Jonathan Agnew: That's an interesting point, Michael, and one I'd like to elaborate on if I may. While most players have gone for the big sloggers, Egon has selected a side with a little more nurdle and rather less brawn. But there are weaknesses; Solanki's perceived flaws outside off-stump if he gets in the team, Tremlett's predilection for short straight long-hops. While romanticists might want to see Steve Tikolo holding the trophy aloft, it appears unlikely from this spectator's standpoint. Eighth.

DG: Sorry, Jonathan - this isn't serious discussion forum. We're here purely to sell advertising time. But before we go to the stairlifts, debt relief agents, accident lawyers and Shane Warne hair loss clinic adverts - here's Michael Atherton. Mike, what do you make of J's Jammasters?

MA: Well, the skills are all there, but to me it almost as if they're all concentrated on a few key men. A side with Chanderpaul, Afridi, Vaas and Ntini deserves respect in the short form of the game and they will certainly be no disgrace, but sixth is the best I can foresee.

DG: Ramiz Raja, a simlar tale for Death's Nel?

RR: It really is a shame *sweeps sparklingly clean black hair behind ear; winks at camera* A crying shame. There was so much - so much - potential for Mu Beta's team after round one. I looked at the foundations and thought to myself - what foundations! Death's Nel were really building themselves up to this - really building. But bad luck - just bad luck - and now I really can't see them higher than seventh.

Sir Ian Botham: I'm going to have to interrupt; I'm genuinely excited about what I've seen in the build-up to this tournament. I've been looking at Summerbayexile's team, and I reckon they've got a great chance. Look at the stats. *counts imaginary points on his fingers* They've got no players with a letter X in their names. None with a Z. But three - yes three - with a Y. Now that really tells me something. Their batsmen can bat, their bowlers can bowl, and their all-rounders are good all-round...

DG: Mark Nicholas has already done that bit.

IB: ...and what's really striking is that there are no Englishmen. Hang on a minute. None. But three Aussies. And their captain's name is... and the team is called... *turns white* What's the lowest I can place them now, David?

DG: Fourth.

IB: [obscenity removed from transcript]

DG: Fourth it is, then. And so we come to the final two. Two sides who most pundits feel will be fighting it out come the final; the draw has been favourable to both and - if the gods of cricket are truly cricket gods - neutrals will look forward to a scintillating final between the two gargantuan behemoths of... erm... Bumble.

Bumble: Well, it could come down to these two. It's difficult to find a weak link in Organcheese; they've got power and flair in spades - and hearts and clubs and diamonds, and the rest of the pack too. There are few weak links, and not many 'ifs' - England will surely be wise enough to play Mascarenhas after his heroics against India, and all the top seven look not only certain to play, but also to score heavily. They look made for this form of the game. If as expected the tournament is made for the batters, we can expect these seven to lead the charge. The bowlers will be expected to chip in, but maybe they won't need to. I confidently predict second.

DG: Second, Bumble?

Bumble: You've all missed a trick. One side contains all these names: Obanda, Chowdhury, Deonarine, Ashraful and Rampaul. Beat that with your Pontings and Pietersens, if you will. Add in 'six sixes' Gibbs, 'one ankle' Flintoff and 'one trick' Bracken, and you've got a team of winners. I predict glory for the one and only Sticky Wikkits - inaugural Fantasy Krikkit Twenty20 Special Champions in waiting!

All: Are you sure?

Gayle 117 (192 pts) and Gibbs 90 (115 pts): Skankyrich's predictions are not far off the money after game 1.

We'll see how close they are tonight, after the end of the first phase of matches