h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Pizza Hut: 'And how would you like your pizza?'
Good King Wenceslas: 'Deep pan, crisp and even.'

Thanks KC! I hope to get a few moer Christmas jokes together and have a second Christmas Jokes page for next year
If you know any more - let me know!

1) 'Twas the 'Net before Christmas
2) Santa Claus is modem to town
3) Up On The Desktop
4) "Quark", The Herald Angels Sing
5) Gateway In A Manger
6) The First AOL
7) INTEL IT On The Mountain
8) .COM All Ye Faithful
9) JAVA Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
10) Joy To The World Wide Web

<BB<

Well this is a long one...maybe too long...but here goes anyway


LAWYERS' SEASONAL GREETING

From us ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called
the wishee") Please accept without obligation,
implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally
conscious, socially responsible, politically correct,
low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration
of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the
most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice,
with respect for the religious/secular persuasions
and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to
practice religious or secular traditions at all...
and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the
generally accepted calendar year 2001, but with due
respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures
or sects, and having regard to the race, creed,
colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of
computer platform or dietary preference of the
wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that-

* This greeting is subject to further clarification or
withdrawal

* This greeting is freely transferable provided that
no alteration shall be made to the original greeting
and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are
acknowledged.

* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to
actually implement any of the wishes.

* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain
jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may
not be binding upon certain wishees in certain
jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion
of the wishor.

* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably
may be expected within the usual application of good
tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance
of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

* The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited
replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at
the sole discretion of the wishor

* Any references in this greeting to "the Lord","Father
Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures,
whether actual or fictitious, dead, alive or risen, shall not
imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this
greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced
third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

Yay! Great, thanks!
When I get the second Christmas Joke article I'll let you know and acknoweledge the one's you've contributed...
...unless you'd like to do a Christmas Joke article...?

<BB<

I'm happy to do that if you want. Wouldn't be too hard to get together. Did you get the images from other pages or were they done specifically for this (I've seen the top one elsewhere)?

KC

I just did a search for edited H2G2 articles using the word Christmas and nicked all relevant pictures I found.
Other Christmas jokes I've found so far include:

20 ways to confuse Santa


Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to
get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees
that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a
loaf of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't
have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave
another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a
policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And
he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new
house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry,
but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up,
act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

and

An excited little boy came home one day and told his mom, "I got a part in the Christmas play!"
"What part?" asked his mother.
"I'm one of the three wise guys!" was the reply.

plus about 6 different versions of "The Night Before Christmas" which I'm not sure what to do with....

<BB<

Christmas Jokes - Part II is up at http://www.h2g2.com/A498666

I can put the 'Twas the Night Before Christmas ones up if you want. Is one of them the 'because they had no spoons' one?

You may not be aware that there is a central database of h2g2 pictures at http://www.h2g2.com/C809 - the h2g2 graphics library.

KC

This post has been removed.

To the tune of "We three kings":

We four Beatles of Liverpool are,
John in a taxi, Paul in a car.
George on a scooter, blowing his hooter,
Following Ringo Star.

We three Kings of Hamilton Square*
Selling knickers at tuppence a pair.
So fantastic, no elastic.
Not very safe to wear

*In Liverpool
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Both of these delightful versions come from my mum. The Liverpool connection is because she used to live in the Wirral.

~~A~~

KC, what happened to your Christmas Jokes, and can we have them back?

<BB<

I'm still looking for Christmas Jokes.

<BB<

According to one book I read, during the Christmas season following the abdication of Edward VII, someone over heard a child singing:

'Hark the herald angels sing,
Mrs Simpson's pinched our king.'