The (Un)Official h2g2 Guide to Dealing With Humans ( a work in progress)
Created | Updated Apr 25, 2004
I have met lots of interesting characters that claim to be dragons, (also look here) fae, or some other Supernatural Entity … I even know a centaur or two. Although the centaurs seem alright, just about every other supernatural creature has picked up some funny ideas about humans. I wrote this FAQ to correct common misconceptions held regarding humans, and to advise all the non-humans out there on how to deal with Planet Earth’s dominant predator.
Q: Is it true that humans enjoy being abducted, probed, and lectured on how unpleasant pollution and war is?
A: No. In fact, most humans find being abducted frightening and being probed to be painful and embarrassing. As for that whole war and pollution thing… yes we know that war is unpleasant. Sure, we know that by polluting the environment we are destroying our planet’s genetic diversity and paving the way for the next great mass extinction. But look at all the cool stuff we have! Without humans, there would be no vibrating Hello Kitty dolls, no Peter Pan 32, no Pokemon Rainbow: Yet Another Frikk’n Pokemon Game, no booz, no reality shows like Lowest Common Denominator 2, and worst of all: no Ab-buster 10000s. It would be a very bleak world indeed.
Q: Is it true that if a human sees me, he will either throw me into a zoo or perform evil mysterious scientiferous experiments on me?
A: No. First of all, if one of us actually even TRIED to do any of that stuff to you then the world’s liberals would riot and we would have to let you go anyway. Have you SEEN how the conspiracy theorists reacted to that obviously phony Alien Autopsy video? Actually, you will find that virtually all humans you encounter will ignore you. It is a well known fact that humans will ignore the truth (even if it slaps them in the face and runs off with their trousers) if the truth conflicts with their fragile (yet rigid) personal beliefs. This explains why some humans are Creationists .
Q: OK, but what do I do if the human NOTICES me?
A: Don’t panic. Do not abduct the human or stick probes where they don’t belong. Do not advise the human against polluting OUR environment or going to war, unless you want us to pollute YOUR environment or declare war on YOU. Do not make any sudden movements, unless you notice the human fumbling with a tool. This tool could be either a camera (which might record evidence of your presence) or a ranged weapon (which could both remove your presence AND record evidence of it if your species leaves a corpse). If the human approaches, simply run away. We humans are slow and frail creatures, you see.
Q: If humans are so slow, frail, and weak, how come you dominate planet Earth?
A: The reason we dominate the planet is because of our superior technology, our vastly greater intellect, our unquestionable courage in the face of adversity, our insatiable thirst for more stuff (no matter how much or little we currently consume) and our all-around good looks. Furthermore, not all humans dominate the planet. About half of us are below what civilized society considers to be the “poverty level.” Some of us are weaker and less attractive than others and end up getting bullied. Some say that we do not really dominate the earth, and that the rats we are performing experiments on are merely pretending to be the subject when they are actually the scientists performing experiments on us. This is a blasphemous anti-human lie.
Q: I encountered a human who looks lonely and wants to be my friend. What should I do?
A: You should ignore him. That’s what we humans did. That is why he wants to be your friend. He is a loser. If you feel bad about doing this then remember: he only wants to be your friend because the rest of us ignore him. You should never reach out to a human when it looks like he needs your help and cannot stand up for himself, unless the problem he is dealing with is one that affects you directly. Every human knows that if you ignore problems long enough then they will eventually go away (see my answer to question two).
Q: Wait a second… you are not human, you are the infamous bionicSlug!
A: That was a statement, not a question. You should be ashamed of yourself. For shame.
Q: I think your FAQ was offensive. What can I do about it?
A: Submit an article to the “Opinions” section of your local newspaper complaining about it. This would both allow you to vent your anger AND improve my readership. Everybody wins!
Q: I think your FAQ was awesome. What can I do about it?
A: Submit an article to the “Opinions” section of your local newspaper complaining about it. This would both allow you to vent your anger AND improve my readership. Everybody wins!
Q: Your FAQ has potential, but needs work. Where can I submit constructive criticism and/or ideas for new questions?
A: The “Opinions” section of your local newspaper. Either that, or contact bionicSlug. bionicSlug appreciates your help!
