h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This string has been established by the counsellor in the hope that one Greebo T Cat, Ace, will drop by for friendly counsel on his/her/its allergy to cats.

(Don't tell Greebo, I have done so. He/she/it knows.)

A selection of advice on how to deal with allergy to cats if you still happen to like them, presented in no particular sense of order other that from top down:

1: Avoid felines at all costs - even if this includes living in a sealed off area, AKA a plastic bubble.

2: Avoid felines, albeit not at all costs. Try not to touch'em and try not to allow one to move in with you.

3: Comfort yourself by buying feline-oriented stuff - posters, plush cats, books and ornaments of a distinct feline kind.

4: Get a really obnoxious spouse who does nothing but sit all day where you want to sit, shed his/her hair all over and demand food, drink and attention. This will not be a proper feline replacement, but after a while it may quench your desire to have a feline in your house.

5: If you like them for yourself and not for them, this could be a solution: Buy a cat. (In case of severe allergy, have somebody else buy it!) Kill it, gently if you must, but (possibly) importantly in a way that does not alter its appearance too much. Take it to a silversmith or something like that and have him coat the cat in silver. Place the silver cat somewhere nice.

6: Another way of doing this could be to have it freeze-dried and disinfected, which would leave something fairly puss-like, but without the allergic stuff.

7: Or simply take the live puss and dip it in clear paint. By the time the cat dies, position it to you liking and, as the paint stiffens, watch a display of ... err ... well, feel free to imagine.

8: The nastier approaches aside, buy a cat anyway. Then spend the remainder of your life wearing scuba-gear.

9: Assume a feline alter ego on the Internet and pretend there's still a touch of felinity in your life.

10: Still on the Internet: Virtual cats do not cause allergy, fraternise with such.

11: Have sir David Attenborrough or whassisname make you a special documentary on felines. This may well be the most expensive solution. Or it could be second to number 8, dependant on your expected life span.

12: Channel your devotion through art. Draw, paint, sculpture cats in all shapes and sizes.

13: Seek better and more qualified counsel than mine - real (not virtual) doctors who may - or may not - be able to prescribe drugs that can still your reactions.

14: Sing songs about cats.

15: Adopt somebody’s cat on-line or via mail; have him or her tell you about the daily routine of the animal and send you regular pictures, reports and stuff like that.

16: Start purring, spitting and meowing until they put you in a nice, warm room with padded walls; then pretend to be a cat yourself and demand regular food.

I hope this was some kinda comfort, Greebo.

Your feline - and allergy-friendly - friend; KimotoCat

Hmmmm... ~grin~... me not sure about some of your solutions... but thankyou for tryimg to help me... ~bigger grin~...

~Greebo lies down on the sofa... crosses all four legs... grin... a neat trick if you can do it...~ Actually... it all started with my friend Bubbles the rabbit... me got alergic to him... poor Bubbles... he got covered with snot eveytime me was around him... me sneezed something rotten... then the alergy spread onto cats... me had a cat at that time... his name is Bonnie... he now lives with my brother... and me does see him... and sneezes a little... and eyes run... and itch... but me not mind for a little while... ~grin~... thats one solution you didn't mention...

Did too - crossover between #2 and #15!

Hmmm... ~Greebo grins dubiously~

You, my dear Greebo, are NEVER dubious! ~Purrrr~

Me is to... me dubious every darn day... ~grin~

Oh yeah, well... But thats cat-style, my dear Greebo. And to fellow-felines, dubiosity (is it called that?) of this nature is not dubious. It is nature!

Moeow to you too. ~Purrrrrrr~

But is me natural... ~grin~

Oh... Tricky...

*Ponders*

How do we, felines, define normal? Certainly not the same way, humans do!

Me is actually the most normal and sensible being on h2g2... ~grin~... me knows this cause me just read it somewhere... ~bigger grin~... oh look... ~Greebo points to the top of this message~... It's there...

Me like Greebos way of argument ... ~grin~ ... me feel familiar ideas inside Greebos head, yes? ... ~big grin~ ... me thinks felines should stick together ... ~meow~ ... that's what me thinks ... ~meow~ ...