h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This text has been placed via the usage of the ingenious Copy-Paste option that comes with an increasing share of modern personal computers:

I have a problem, KimotoCat... I was wondering, if, just possibly, you could help, maybe, if it wouldn't be too much trouble? I mean, I wouldn't ask, but you did say that you didn't mind, so I thought, well, maybe I would, but on the other hand I don't want to interrupt you if you were doing something important, and of course whatever you were doing is quite likely to be more important than me... Um... anyway...

Now I've forgotten what the problem was. Sorry, I'll get back to you later...

This marks the end of the aforementioned ingenious positioning og text actually written and posted elsewhere.
The original was delivered by one "Roasted Amoeba †", to whom I yield all credit available. Not that that's much...

Endquote

Dear Rosted Amoeba.

You can rest assured and relaxed now, as I am here for you.
You'll have to specify your problem, naturally, but otherwise I feel quite certain that I can help you.

It is my initial idea that you are suffering from short attention span and lack of self-esteem - hence the headline.
The lack of self esteem shows itself in the way you almost methodically erradicate all attempts at really pointing anything out in your entry, other than how unimportant you are.
Unfortunately, the very tense experience of trying - and failing - to open up, results in a shortage of attention and leaves you incapable to say what really bothers you.

Perhaps your problem somehow has a dark and sinister origin dealing in ... pyrotechnics? Am I on to something?

Please get back here and say something more to elaborate the problem. I'll be here for you, no matter how silly you may seem.

Dear KimotoCat,

I am grateful that you have taken my... er.... you know, problem, seriously. I think... well, I don't really think, but I try to think, but I don't always succeed... Anyway, I try to think that it's not really a problem as such, but... I'm not boring you am I? I'd hate to think I was boring you. You see, I have this feeling that I often bore people, but then I really don't mean to...

Pyrotechnics? I don't think so. However a few loud explosions might cure me, you never know. Well, okay, you probably do know, being such a wise counsellor and everything, but then who am I to flatter you, I'm sure it doesn't mean anything...

Right. My problem. Er... my problem? Do I have a problem?

Oh yes, that's it. I have a fear of pineapples. More specifically - I am convinced that the universe is in fact a large pineapple, and... you don't think I'm too weird do you? Lots of people seem to think I'm not quite right in the, you know, er... head, that's it - and it worries me. But I digress... I was saying, I think the universe is a large pineapple, and I have nightmares about it, and it's made me - very silly, I know - afraid of all pineapples.

You attention in this matter would be ever so much appreciated.

Yours eagerly, sincerely, faithfully, and ever so humbly,
Roasted Amoeba

Hey I'm being ignored here! I see you have replied to the others but not to mine...



Yours,
The Very Depressed ROASTED Amoeba

P.S. Is it true that parsnips are actually inverted elephants?

P.P.S. Thanks for your time.

Dear rostead Amobae: I am freaked-out-busy and my LAN is dysfunctional. I need counselling myself, that's how bad things are.

But I promise that I'll get back to you VERY soon, okay? I have copy-pasted your entry into my word(and stuff)processor and I'll give it a good reply. Promise.

Don't feel bad about the elephants, they are your friends!

-KimotoCat

Okay now; here’s some serious counselling.

Dear Roasted Amoeba (I don’t know how to do that cross-thingy, and I am too lazy to copy-paste, then rather waste a lot of time typing this excuse, which is, if we are to be honest, a poor excuse, and lengthy to boot. But being that I am the counsellor, I will have to be perfectly honest with my clients, and so I admit that this is why I do not write your entire nametag. That’s why, and there’s nothing else to it. Nothing personal. Plain laziness!)

The pineapple, or Ananas comosis as is its Latin name, is an unusual fruit in general and as a target of a potential psychosis in particular.
The fruit itself is a juicy and fibre rich thingy, yellowish and, according to the number of Internet pages regarding pineapple, a very interesting plant all together. Why the universe should be a pineapple? I’m not quite sure I understand the connection.
Let’s try to take a look at the two:

First the pineapple:
The pineapple-plant is a low, perennial herb, the adult plant ranging from 50 to 100 centimetres in height. It has narrow, tapering, pointed leaves up to 100 cm long arranged in a spiral rosette, crowded on and tightly clasping a central stem. Leaf margins are usually lacking spines in Smooth Cayenne while spines are present in clones of the Spanish group. In Smooth Cayenne, the inflorescence consists of 100 to 200 flowers arranged in a compact spiral cluster. The flowers are perfect, with a floral bract, three short fleshy sepals and petals, six stamens, and an inferior ovary with three locules. Commercial clones (commercially cultivated breeds) are self-sterile but cross easily with plants in other groups. The fruit is a terminal, cylindrical, compound structure at the apex of the stem and is formed by the fusion of the berrylike fruitlets that develop from the flowers. At its apex, the fruit bears a compressed, leafy shoot called a crown. The typically yellow fruit flesh is best eaten when sweet and moderately acid; it may contain from 10 to 18 percent sugar and from 0.5 to 1.6 percent titratable acidity.

Then the universe:
It is bigger than a pineapple, both the fruit and the entire plant. It has a LOT more leaves, stems, flowers, petals, and other things plant-like. It contains acids, sugar and lots and lots of other substances, several of which are beyond human grasp. Humans can eat only very small parts of it.

Similarity:
I could find but two obvious similarities:
The one was that the leaves of the plant are arranged in a spiral rosette; as are the stars (some of them) arranged in spirals; only we call them galaxies and they are – again – bigger.
The other was that even if the pineapple seems hostile and even aggressive with its pointy leaves and stuff, it still also contains both beauty and sweetness. Hidden beneath that is acid. Complex, treacherous but still also attractive. As is the universe, at least the parts I have visited. Truth be told, I have seen but a fraction of a fraction of the mind numbingly ridiculously enormous vast universe, but hey, we’ve got to judge from what we know, right?

In order to help you further, I will give you some advice and ask you some questions:

Advice:
Even if the universe really IS a pineapple, it seems like a nice place after all. Try to look at the bright sides of it and look at it with your own eyes. No matter the truth, it is still a wholly magnificent palace to be, as far as I can tell.
Also, I am of the impression that you are a bit hesitant about expressing this problem. Don’t be. Your recognition of it as a problem makes it something that should be dealt with. Do so proudly and open-mindedly. There’s nothing shameful about being nuts, it is shameful not to admit it. Just look at all those people who refuse to admit it and wind up in parliament or worse…
Take a deep breath and enjoy the delicious smell of pineapple.

Questions:
Why do you maintain that the universe is in fact a pineapple?
Seriously – think about this question and then get back to me about it.
Also, try to explain some more about your daily life. Are you in any way an oppressed person? Oppressed by your surroundings? By your career? Your home and family? Or government, Echelon, the cat in the house or a local pizza-delivery service?

I’ll look forward to your reply.

Your trusty counsellor
KimotoCat

Dear Counsellor,

It's okay, I understand your lazy attitude towards copying and pasting completely... in fact, I feel I am in a position to give you some counselling on this subject... er, sorry, that's you who's supposed to say that isn't it...

Thank you for you comments regarding being "nuts" - I know that you are right, just sometimes I have trouble coming to terms with being, er, shall we say, "a little on the insane side of sane."

I was sort of hoping (if it isn't too much trouble?) that YOU could tell ME why I think that the universe is a large pinapple. How should I know why I think that? We have already established that I am more or less completely insane, haven't we?

As for being oppressed... how did you guess? Once again I find myself amazed at your skill in getting straight to the root of the problem. Or was that the tree? I am oppressed by the doormat. Every time I walk over it, it says to me, "Don't do that. It hurts." And I feel like it has power over me...

Your counsellee (if that's a word, or even if it isn't...),
Roasted Amoeba

That was getting to the root of the problem, yes. (The root of the pineapple?) And yes, you obviously suffer from oppression.
Just for your information; the reason that I have not responded lately is that I have had to deal with an autistic harddrive, an abusive thingy rendering my data, ny Windows and, in fact, my life a mess. I'm still off-line as such, but I have managed a few moments on-line, which I am offering you.
All I can do, however, is to promise you a more concise answer soon. I'll also try to advice you about that nutty brain of yours.
Oh, and never mind the doormat - that behaviour is perfectly normal, most doormats respond that way. Hey, what would you do? Just ignore it, after all, you paid for it.

-KimotoCat, your mindconveyor

Okay, I shall in my generosity forgive you for leaving me to my mental turmoil for all those days...

I hate Windows. I know the feeling - Windows crashes, internet connection lost, life falls apart...

If you're sure about the doormat problem... then... that's good. At least my mind is put to rest about one thing.

I shall look forward to hearing any more random thoughts you may have about my random problems...

I am oppressed! I AM OPPRESSED! Ha haaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! Cackle cackle cackle... Ahem.

Dear Counsellor,

Have you completely forgotten me?

RA

Noooo, how could you possibly... erf... That is to say...

Yes, I had.

But as you have generously turned my attention back to you, I shall do my best to come up with a more suitable answer very soon, okay? I'll make a note somewhere very visible (like a post-it on the monitor) and answer you. Okay?

Sorry...

*Coughs and looks at something else briefly*

See ya - soon...

That's okay, my trusty counsellor. I shall forgive you...

Be warned though... I don't like forgiving people *twice*...

Ooookay...

Now, a pineapple is a fruit, you're a fruit case and everybody else eat fruit. Are we getting somewhere?

In other words, the idea about the entire universe being in fact a pineapple, derives from your aforementioned oppression - hence your clear fear of pineapples. I see in this a metaphor; the pineapples represent both the feared situation (your life) and the craved thing (your universe - i.e. at peace with it).

And what should we do about that?

First of all, we need to get a few things straight: In order for you to seek my advice upon the terms that you think the universe is a pineapple, it is clear that this assumption (pineapple = universe) is not fully secured in your sub consciousness. Otherwise you could no longer distance yourself from it and would not be able to see it as a problem / as something you THINK without it necessarily being the factual truth.
In other words, the case is not at all lost, just very complicated. You are obviously not full-time delusional, only part time schizophrenic.

Right now, as you read these lines, you are not fully convinced that the universe is a pineapple. (If you are, shut down the computer and forget the whole matter for a while. Then come back and see if things are any better.)
We need to focus on this doubt.
As people in their right mind know, the universe is really not a pineapple at all. It is just mindboggingly huge, terrifyingly complicated, and reasonably unfair and generally rather a devious place to live. But not a pineapple as such.
This is the first important step - you are to finish reading this entry and then to do the following:
* Go to a window.
* Open it. (Don’t bother about the weather; this is your mental health we are talking about!)
* Look out and up.
* Make sure you do not perceive the outside world as a pineapple.
* Make sure you perceive it as the outside world.
* Notice the absence of leaves atop it all.
* There’s also no stem.
* And if you stick your tongue out, you do not experience the juicy flavour of pineapple.
* Discover that not everything in this universe is a pineapple.
* Now you may close your window again (optional, weather- and mood-dependant) and sit down somewhere comfortable, confident that the world is in deed not (just) a pineapple.
Try to do this exercise a couple of times and then get back to this forum and tell me what you feel.

And don’t worry about your being slightly on the insane side of sane. Sanity is, after all, just a more complex way to pretend to be in ones right mind.
The real problem arises because great deals of people are really not in their right mind. And you are one such tormented creature who are not in your right mind. (So am I, but it takes on other forms than considering the universe a pineapple, so it doesn’t really matter right now.)
So, what is it to be in ones right mind?
First of all, it is to clear out all the delusions of pineapples, pyrotechnics, dead cars and ants - or whatever your personal delusions may be.
Secondly it is to seem in a way that makes other people, who are in their right mind, think that you are one of them.
Thirdly it is… it is… Well, I’ll go look that up for our next session.

And once again, I do apologize the delay, but sanity claims me from time to time. Never mind, it’s not that bad. And now I’m back on-line for a while.

Try the exercise several times, relax a bit and avoid pineapples in the living room.

Then get back to me.

Yours truly,

KimotoCat

Dear KimotoCat,

I went to my bedroom window, opened it wide, stuck my head out, smelt the air, noted that I did not perceive it as a pineapple, stuck my tongue out to check that it did not taste like a pineapple, waved to a few people walking past who thought I had totally lost it (they were right, of course, but they didn't know that), and then I closed the window again.

But now I think that the universe is a grape. It MUST be a grape, because it doesn't taste or smell like a pineapple.

Perhaps there's no hope for me. Perhaps I'm one of those people who are destined to live forever in a world that they don't understand and that doesn't understand them... or perhaps I'm destined to... to... be a pineapple.

I've confused myself again.

Yours sincerely,
RA

Hi amoeba.

I'm actually off-duty right now, but here's a quick piece of advice:

Repeat the exercise, this time trying to determine the similarities of the world and a grape. You should, with a little luck, discover that the world is, in fact, not very similar to a grape.

Then try to nipple (not bite!) on a small spot of skin on, say, your hand and see if it tastes pineapple-like. (If it, contrary to what I think, does - wash your hand thorroughly and try it again! If it still does, dial 911 / 112 / whatever emergency phone is applicable where you are.)
Try to look in a mirror. Still no pineapple similarites, right? No leaves, no stem and definitely a different type of skin.

Repeat the exercises a few times and see what you make of it - then get back to me at this forum.

Your tired counsellor - KimotoCat

P.S.
Not tired because of you, the source is not a computerbased or -transferred one.

P.P.S.
How can a person naming him/herself Roasted Amoeba consider to be a pineapple? Oh, sorry, I forgot. I am supposed to answer that. Hmm... Will work on it... Later.

-Dr.KC