h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

JS: Thank you very much, and good evening. Chris, what does it feel like to be here?

CK: Unbelievable, Jeff.

JS: Of course. Well, the awards are being handed out in real life, so we thought it was time to do the same here. Each team has given an award for Player Of The Season, are here are the sixteen winners:

DOW: Jamie Carragher
OA: Fernando Torres
SC: Cesc Fabregas
IB: Steven Gerrard
AFC T: Cristiano Ronaldo
TSF: Emmanuel Adebayor
HA: Ricardo Carvalho
LC: Wayne Rooney
LR: Pepe Reina
FF: Dimitar Berbatov
JTFJB: John Carew
AA: Yakubu
F&tS: Herman Hreidarsson
HD: William Gallas
HTHKBDSIAPMFC: Tim Howard
SUC: Kevin Nolan

CK: That's unbelievable, Jeff.

JS: Of course. So, onto our first award. This is for 'manager of the season', and the nominees are:

1) Otto Fisch, for making a triumphal return to PhPh after a year's break.
2) Montague Trout, for studying the rule book in greater depth than anyone else and leading his team to an academic triumph.
3) Andy G, for clever play in the transfer market, signing Vidic, Kranjcar and Scharner.
4) Megachedda, for making us all laugh at his horrendous incapability all season.

CK: Unbelievable.

JS: Yes...and the winner is...Otto Fisch!

CK: Jeff! That's...unbelievable!

JS: Of course it is. Now, we move on to goalkeeper of the season. And the nominees are:

1) Pepe Reina, for scoring 66 points.
2) Edwin van der Sar, for ascoring 58 points.
3) Petr Cech, for scoring 54 points.
4) Chris Kirkland, for increasing his market value by 275%

...and the winner is...Pepe Reina!

CK: Unbelievable!

JS: If you say so. Our next award is for worst player of the season. The nominees are:

1)...well, the nominees are obviously irrelevant, because Gary Neville has to take the award.

CK: No nominees, Chris? That's unblievable?

JS: I know. The next award is for defender of the season. The nominees are:

1) Joleon Lescott, for scoring 78 points
2) Rio Ferdinand, for scoring 61 points
3) Patrice Evra, for scoring 56 points
4) Bacary Sagna, for increasing his market value by 382%

...and the award goes to...Joleon Lescott!

CK: Unbelievable, Jeff.

JS: Of course. Our next award is for the best mid-season signing. The nominees are:

1) Fernando Torres, with 41 points after signing
2) Ashley Young, with 31 points
3) Wes Brown, with 30 points
4) Roque Santa Cruz, with 29 points

The winner, because he scored seven-and-a-half times better than his predecessor, is Wes Brown.

CK: That's unbelievable!

JS: It is. The next award is for midfielder of the year. The nominees are:

1) Cristiano Ronaldo, for scoring 139 points
2) Steven Gerrard, for scoring 68 points
3) Cesc Fabregas, for scoring 64 points
4) Tom Huddlestone, for increasing his market value by 157%

...And the winner is...Cristiano Ronaldo!

CK: Unbelievable, Jeff!

JS: Well...no. It's not really, is it?

CK: ....

JS: Anyway. We move on to the 'most pointless player' award. The nominees are:

1) Matthew Upson, having scored 0 points
2) Laurent Robert, having scored 0 points
3) Kevin Prince-Boateng, having scored 0 points
4) Damian Duff, having scored 0 points
5) Victor Anichebe, having scored 0 points

...and the winner, by virtue of having been kept by his manager since the first fruitless day of the season, is...Kevin Prince-Boateng!

CK: Unbelievable!

JS: Yeah, whatever. And now - the striker of the year award. Our nominees:

1) Dimitar Berbatov, for scoring 65 points
2) Emmanuel Adebayor, for scoring 60 points
3) Wayne Rooney, for scoring 59 points
4) Roque Santa Cruz, for increasing his market value by 165%

...and the winner is...Roque Santa Cruz!

CK: Jeff, it's unbelievable!

JS: And you. I shall present the awards for Player Of The Season and Best Week Of The Season without nominees, because they have been runaway victories for...Cristiano Ronaldo! What do you think of him, Chris?

CK: Unbelievable!

JS: Of course you do. The final award goes to the 0% player - the one who achieved exactly the number of points he was expected to over the course of a whole season, and therefore whose market value has changed least.

...with a result of just -0.2%, the award goes to...Mark Viduka!

CK: That's really quite unexpected, you know Jeff. With the managerial turmoil at Newcastle, combined with Keegan's insistence on a fit and fast first-eleven, we would have expected Mark Viduka to achieve well below average this season. Combined with the uneasiness he creates in the devoted Toon Army and his well-documented issues with controlling his metabolic rate, his goal tally reflect well on a model professional and a man offering his soul and mind to a club who have staked a lot on him. What do you think, Jeff?

JS: Er...er....uh....unbelievable, Chris.

CK: Please feel free to leave acceptance speeches below.

JS: ...unbelievable...

Pfft. Neville was a shoe-in for the most pointless player.

I would like to thank Sven, for letting me use his name for my team. I would also like to thank Egon for sending Sven a bung in the form of a shapely secretary to throw the game at Boro in the hope of stealing 3rd.

Jeff Stelling at his best:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUm7-xaYauM

The Montague trout (and the friendly) take this valiant opportunity to accept the applause by a well-enjoyed station. Cómprenos made bad yes, that is pergatory of any one in charge, and replace our weak point with those weaker than we did it yes to we ourself. And it obtains torn dull, for example when we tried by a Petrov, ninguÌ  n we is not bitter. He is as soon as the best one than we did not do as seriously as the beta of the man-muchacho/de the predicted boy-man in the first place. We classify our defense of second category of classified Bacardi-Breezer and others alco-popsicles of Evra-vescent, and to our general: Ireland is thy name, we has pardoned because we pardoned those that give to us of Chris Eagles. Ayúdenos please.