There is a website that offers Ultra-Condensed versions of literature's Classics, Sci-Fi Favorites, Movies, etc. This is an entry I proposed, months ago; but their site makes it clear that they aren't really into submissions.

Siddhartha

By Hermann Hesse

Ultra-Condensed by FordsTowel

Siddhartha:

I'm leaving this comfortable home, where I've excelled at everything, to live in the woods and starve until I hallucinate.

(He does)

Siddhartha:

I'm leaving the woods to shack up with a hottie and get rich.

(He does)

Siddhartha:

I'm leaving the chick to follow a guy in a dress.

(He does)

Siddhartha:

I'm leaving the guy in a dress to sit by the river.

(He does)

Or, Perhaps:

Siddhartha:

I'm a good son.

I'm a hungry guy.

I'm horny.

I'm holy.

I must be a water sign.