Single Life
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
I just want to tell you the ups and downs to my single life. Oh sure, I get the bathroom to myself for a solid fifty-three minutes. That is a big plus. If I want to stay up all night and eat Doritos and drink Mt. Dew out the ying-yang, I can and then run in circles in the living room without someone yelling for me to stop. The plus side to single life:
Privacy
The down side to my single life is the fact that, that is it. SINGLE. Notice the word, it means alone. Not like the more populated words like: couple, group, orgy. Just single.
Friends? Of course I have friends. Chico, Marty, Liz, Kevin, and Mallamar. I had another friend, but he swam to close to water filter and was sucked up and spit out in several peices. The rest of my friends learned from Split's mistake and now swim near the top of the aquarium. Human friends? Well, does email and chat count? I haven't seen my friends faces for two years.
Lonely. Single. The other draw back of single life is sex. Or rather the not having it. Do I have a active sex life? Oh sure, every night I have sex...wait, define sex. Is this the kind that requires a partner? Yes? Well, in that case I haven't had sex in three years. My idea of an orgy is multiple magazines.
I have several girlfriends. Twelve to be exact. On for each month. I just hate to see them leave me after the year. We get real close and then a year later they are replaced by twelve more. Sad really.
Why not try dating you say? Last time I did that I spent the entire evening trying to convince my date I wasn't a loser. It didn't help that my mother was there as a chaparone. Sure takes the thrill out of getting to secong base.
One date I went on was pretty good. All night we talked and laughed and then she asked me to come home with her from the resturant. Alright! Third base! I went to use the bathroom real quick. All the while thinking of my chance to round second and slide into third. I came out of the Men's Room and hadn't realized that Mr. Zigfield wasn't tucked in. When my date saw this and she broke out laughing and left. Well, so much for third base. Guess I was about 90 feet "short".
But I have no become accustomed to my single life. "Showgirls", a six pack, and a bottle of viagra makes for one great evening!
Privacy
The down side to my single life is the fact that, that is it. SINGLE. Notice the word, it means alone. Not like the more populated words like: couple, group, orgy. Just single.
Friends? Of course I have friends. Chico, Marty, Liz, Kevin, and Mallamar. I had another friend, but he swam to close to water filter and was sucked up and spit out in several peices. The rest of my friends learned from Split's mistake and now swim near the top of the aquarium. Human friends? Well, does email and chat count? I haven't seen my friends faces for two years.
Lonely. Single. The other draw back of single life is sex. Or rather the not having it. Do I have a active sex life? Oh sure, every night I have sex...wait, define sex. Is this the kind that requires a partner? Yes? Well, in that case I haven't had sex in three years. My idea of an orgy is multiple magazines.
I have several girlfriends. Twelve to be exact. On for each month. I just hate to see them leave me after the year. We get real close and then a year later they are replaced by twelve more. Sad really.
Why not try dating you say? Last time I did that I spent the entire evening trying to convince my date I wasn't a loser. It didn't help that my mother was there as a chaparone. Sure takes the thrill out of getting to secong base.
One date I went on was pretty good. All night we talked and laughed and then she asked me to come home with her from the resturant. Alright! Third base! I went to use the bathroom real quick. All the while thinking of my chance to round second and slide into third. I came out of the Men's Room and hadn't realized that Mr. Zigfield wasn't tucked in. When my date saw this and she broke out laughing and left. Well, so much for third base. Guess I was about 90 feet "short".
But I have no become accustomed to my single life. "Showgirls", a six pack, and a bottle of viagra makes for one great evening!
