Mu Beta Does (For) Eurovision 2007
Created | Updated Jun 1, 2008
We've Started, so We'll Finnish
Wow! My fifth anniversary of Eurovision coverage. This either qualifies me as some sort of authority or some sort of idiot1. Anyhow, here we go with yet another edition of live updates, jocular wisdom and disbelief at what Wogan just said. Accompanying me tonight are a rough-and-ready Australian Cabernet, a rather fresh Fitou, and askh2g2's infamous Eurovision thread, tonight featuring cameo appearances from GRJ, Xanatic, SWL, Lady Admiral Ayeka and — inevitably — Croz.
7:56 General disappointment as the Lottery this year doesn't finish with Eamonn Holmes running off set like a little girl.
7:58 Hmm... we appear to be starting early this year. After a fairly pointless opening clip of snow and wolves (what did you think there was in Finland?), we are treated to the double video and live reprise of Lordi's cod-metal anthem. It's worrisome that this might be the best thing on the bill this year, and it's not even an entry.
8:02 Lordi shuffle off and we get to meet the hosts for tonight. They look like two 15-year-olds at their first school prom and are thoroughly devoid of charm. Not a great start.
8:04 We spot that BBC digital have a karaoke version. Play briefly with the notion of turning it on, but decide that my synapses might not be able to take the stimulation.
8:05 Bosnia-Herzogovenia. Hits four wrong notes before the lights come up. Not a great start. A comely young lady, apparently wearing a pineapple, warbles inconsequentially. It doesn't really have a tune, even when the big brass fanfare kicks in, although the backing dancers (a great loss from last year, as I recall), sway like drunk Egyptians to take our minds off it all, and a large man dressed like a snow leopard plays a lute. Looks like: Your Mum's scary but slightly sexy friend. Sounds like: Ricky Martin after a sex change. Mu Beta's rating: 2/10.
8:10 Spain. A welcome return for unconvincing drumming. This year, they're backing an identikit boyband dressed all in white. The light show in the background looks like something from a daytime TV quiz. The song's easily forgettable, although there's an amusing attempt at falsetto near the end. Either that or one of them has really tight trousers. Looks like: four Spanish chavs. Sounds like: Five, as written by R Kelly. Mu Beta's rating: 3/10.
8:13 Belarus. There's some money on this one, apparently. Terry quite likes it, and so do I. It's a snarly sort of performance from a gentleman who has been to the David Dickinson school of suntan and is clearly pretending to be about 20 years younger than he is. The song has a 'work your magic' theme which allows some nifty illusion-style work with the backing dancers. Looks like: David Copperfield after a lobotomy. Sounds like: A Bond theme tune written by Keith Duffy. Mu Beta's rating: 7/10.
8:17 Ireland. Blimey — the Emerald Isle are trying hard never to win this again, aren't they? A veritable line-up of Eurovision folk instruments sit uncomfortably in the hands of four men who clearly have no idea how to play them, while a failed Corr wearing a medieval dress hits plenty of wrong (er, sorry, 'folk') notes on her way to saying Lord-knows-what, so bad is her diction. Looks like: Karen Carpenter after a good feed. Sounds like 'The Irish Ballad' by Tom Lehrer. Mu Beta's rating: 3/10.
8:20 Finland. Terry is clearly choosing to get stuck into the introductory films rather than the music, and no wonder — it's been cheap fare so far. Lordi has obviously inspired Finland to another rock entry, and the woman singing it might well be a member of said band. Shame she's wearing no make-up. The theme seems to be 'Leave Me Alone'; don't worry, love, I will. Looks like: Amy Winehouse meets Bride Of Frankenstein. Sounds like Republica singing a Sophie Ellis-Bextor song. Mu Beta's rating: 6/10.
8:24 The hosts are back early this year, aren't they? Their interlude basically seems to consist of a blonde woman asking for a quickie. I'm hoping this might be the first part of a skit.
8:26 Macedonia. Oh good — the first decent bit of totty tonight. Some sophisticated tango dancing in the background. The song's heavy on the bassy parts of the orchestra, and there's some very suggestive fondling going on. She seems to be enjoying it, and I am too, actually. Looks like: a younger Carol Smilie. Sounds like The Bonnie Tyler-Jim Steinman reject song. Mu Beta's rating: 7/10.
8:30 Slovenia. Terry asks openly if there's any booze. Ye gods — it's another terrifying woman! This one has got some serious operatic vocals: almost certainly the most musical song we'll see tonight. Unfortunately, it's deathly dull and sounds like an Olympic Games opening fanfare. Looks like: Sarah Brightman, having picked up the wrong mask. Sounds like Kiri Te Kanawa on an audition for BBC Sport. Mu Beta's rating: 4/10.
8:33 Hungary. Now, then: a song called 'Unsubstantial Blues' can't be all bad. And indeed, it's not. Shame the lady didn't have time to get changed for tonight, but she pumps out a grown-up 'leaving home' song, ably backed by a band who look like they are making more than coincidental contact with their instruments. Nice axe-work in a proper song — how refreshing. Looks like: Patti Smith on her way out shopping. Sounds like LeAnn Rimes duetting with Bon Jovi. Mu Beta's rating: 8/10.
8:37 Lithuania. Blimey, it's all women tonight. Now, Mediterranean jazz doesn't strike me as terribly Lithuanian, but then again Germany had a Country & Western song last year. It's a pleasant little ditty without having anything as notable as a refrain, although a pleasant Spanish guitar solo makes an appearance. Presumably the backing band are all behind a screen because they're dismally unattractive. Looks like: Ruth Madoc in Suzi Quattro's clothes. Sounds like Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden. Mu Beta's rating: 6/10.
8:41 Greece. It wouldn't be a 2000s Eurovision without an Eastern flavour and some saucily dressed girls gyrating very provocatively. The lead singer is a halfwit apparently dressed in oven insulation and singing a song notable only for name-dropping the cheeky girls. The best bit is the inevitable dance-bondage interlude to something that sounds alarmingly like Zorba The Greek. Looks like: A Blue Peter presenter about to jump into a volcano. Sounds like: Ricky Martin. Honestly, how did that man make a living out of Eurovision songs? Mu Beta's rating: 3/10.
8:44 Georgia. The dress and swordfighting seem to go down well with Odo, but the backing Cossacks (dressed like cast members from Monty Python And The Holy Grail) steal the show with their twirling. The song segues its way through several styles, with a vaguely dance intelligentsia refrain. It's not all that bad, and quite an ambitious effort. Looks like: a supermarket checkout girl tattooed with roses. Sounds like Everything But The Girl after a drug or two. Mu Beta's rating: 6/10.
8:49 (Is my clock fast?) Sweden. Ah, this is more like it! A belter of a glam rock tune, sounding nothing like Abba this year. In fact it sounds more than a little like The Sweet and Brian Conley might be on the phone if he weren't sadly deceased. Dave Hill from Slade appears to be playing, too. It's sung by a worrying androgynous young man who insists on removing his shirt. Classic Eurovision fare. Looks like: Justin Hawkins' little brother. Sounds like: Anything by Mud. Mu Beta's rating: 9/10.
8:52 Ah. The blonde chick appears to be back. One assumes she is the Finnish equivalent of Jade Goody. I have no idea what's going on, but it's awful TV.
8:55 France. One would assume this is France's version of McFly. Or one can only hope so. They're all wearing pink shirts and suit jackets, which isn't a good start, and singing something which sounds like a Bill Bailey send-up (although Lord knows what of). The very camp bald one and the bass player have some sort of ridiculous running-on-the-spot dance. It's terrific in a massively camp way. Looks like: a Little Britain sketch. Sounds like: Something that Go West turned down to be the B-side of 'King Of Wishful Thinking'. Mu Beta's rating: 6/10.
8:59 Latvia. Evidently top hat, tails and jeans are a popular combination in Latvia. Apparently Il Divo is Italian for 'The Divs': I think these chaps might have been the original inspiration. Eurovision being what it is, I can see this doing rather well. Looks like: Six suit catalogue models on their fag break. Sounds like: Local amateur operatics. Mu Beta's rating: 7/10.
9:03 Russia. Three angry girls in severe dresses and knee-length socks (cor, always does it for me) come and make themselves thoroughly raunchy. It's a great pounding tune; it wouldn't sound out of place in Girls Aloud's collection, and it's all done in front of a great Matrix-code backdrop. Best thing yet. Looks like: The Go-Gos after getting rid of Belinda Carlisle. Sounds like: The final song on Pop Idol. Mu Beta's rating: 9/10.
9:06 Germany. The Germans seem to have lightened up of late, but this song is ominously titled 'Women Rule The World'. Thank God it's a man singing. It's a swinging little Rat Pack tune sung by a chap in a white jacket with trousers that are supposed to match but don't. The drummer gurns convincingly all the way through, and it's nice to be able to rely on the Germans for something a bit different. Looks like: Frank Sinatra after a laundry mishap. Sounds like: Something Michael Buble might be proud of. Mu Beta's rating: 8/10.
9:10 Serbia. No longer Montenegro, remember? The most transparent strip tease act of the night, as a very mannish woman miraculously sheds her suit and glasses to become a half-naked stunner. Well, that's what we assumed was going to happen, anyway. Sadly, it never manifested itself. I hope this disappointment doesn't win. Looks like: Jonathan Pearce in drag. Sounds like: a lesbian liberation anthem. Mu Beta's rating: 1/10.
9:15 Ukraine. You can always rely on Ukraine for something cheerfully bonkers. They're singing in German this year: a ridiculous 'woo-woo' Euro summer-dance (with accordion!) sung by people in ridiculous metal suits. Timmy Mallett and Christopher Biggins appear to be part of the line-up. Four key changes, too! Apparently a hot favourite, and frankly I can see why. Looks like: A transexual Buggles tribute band. Sounds like: The stuff you got raging drunk to in Ibiza in 1991. Mu Beta's rating: 7/10.
9:18 UK. I think we might have marketed Eurovision right this year. Our very own Mile High Club belt out some charming Euro-innuendo, and it seems to go down (erp...) very well. In my view, the best thing we've entered (erp...) for several years. Looks like: That sitcom about the air stewards with the Scottish bloke in; what was it called?2 Sounds like: The Tweenies meet Victoria Wood Mu Beta's rating: 5/10.
9:22 Romania. (Terry openly admits that he has his hands on some alcohol). Now, I quite like this. A bouncy little Quincy Jones guitar number, sung by stereotypes of all nations. It might be a cynical exercise in vote-grabbing, but it's done with good humour and some entertaining dancing. Highly addictive stuff. Looks like: A sketch the Fast Show turned down. Sounds like: The EU does Demis Roussos. Mu Beta's rating: 10/10.
9:27 Bulgaria. The Eurovision thread is now proceding at about a page a minute and the population has swelled from the half-dozen we started with. I'm beginning to see this as a major social event on the hootoo calendar. Now, where was I? Ah, yes, Bulgaria. Another scary warbling woman, doing a very Mecca thing (the city, not the bingo parlour3) and some comedy drumming. Haven't we seen it all before. Looks like: Topanga, Cory's girlfriend in Boy Meets World. Sounds like: Something that might cause a jihad. Mu Beta's rating: 3/10.
9:30 Turkey. OK, I'm assuming we're past the best now. My mind shut down protectively when this entry started. I vaguely remember a chap in a ringmaster's outfit trying to combine belly dancing and morris dancing. And the whole thing was hideous. Looks like: Graham Le Saux after going on a bender4. Sounds like: Something I never want to hear again. Mu Beta's rating: 0/10.
9:34 Armenia. Not the first Lloyd Webber-a-like we've had on this evening. A decent ballad performed in front of what appears to be a red tree strewn with bog roll. Man in frilly shirt? Check. Silly drumming? Check. Red Indian backing vocalist? Er...Check! Looks like: Michael Ball5. Sounds like: Something Tim Rice wrote for Aled Jones Mu Beta's rating: 4/10.
9:38 Moldova. Moldova have a sterling reputation for nonsense after the drumming granny and the silly rappers. It's a shame they seem to have gone all serious on us this year. It's another 'angry girl' song, from a young bit of fluff whose pants appear to be an intergral part of her trousers. It's lacking the vital humour element that has been such an appeal of Moldova in the past, and there's some nasty shrieking near the end. Looks like: The dirty one from Sex and the City, after getting dressed in a hurry. Sounds like: Vanessa Mae meets Metallica. On acid. Mu Beta's rating: 4/10.
9:48 OK, the songs are over. The Eurovision thread's overwhelming favourite is Romania, with Russia, Georgia and Sweden also putting in strong performances.
9:54 Bloody hell! We get to see clips of all the songs not once, but twice! Am I to assume that the Finns don't have a half-time act?
9:59 The hosts perform the final voting countdown in Finnish. Terry informs them that 'there's no need for language like that'. Could this be a great final hour?
10:00 No such luck. Here comes the interval act. Thank the Lord(i) it's Apocalyptica, on of my favourite oblique bunches of musicians. Sadly some ginger idiots (one of whom looks suspiciously like Dennis Pennis) decide to do circus tricks in front of them.
10:06 I have a sulk because the Eurovision thread decides to extract the urine from Apocalyptica, rock cellist heroes of mine.
10:10 Oh, ye gods. The Finnish Goody is doing the backstage interviews. It's like extracting teeth.
10:13 Montenegro first up in the voting. Serbia get full marks: how political. Text on the screen is so small that I immediately get eye-ache.
10:15 Two countries down and not one vote for Romania. Dammit!
10:22 Good old Spain! A full house for the Romanians. I know I should expect Bloc voting, but I really couldn't stand it if the Serbian lesbians win.
10:25 Turkish spokeswoman sets a new record for looking disturbingly worried as she comes on air.
10:27 Jonathan Pearce and his lady friends are back on top again. Oh dear.
10:29 Ireland finally get off the mark with a few points from the Graham Norton of Albania. Scooch still stuck on zero.
10:32 To resounding boos, Cyprus award Greece 12 points.
10:35 The Serbs are opening out a comfortable lead, and I'm looking for a good film to put on afterwards. The ghastly blonde is back on. She's allegedly a stand-up comdedian. Times must be desperate in Finland.
10:37 Costume of the night comes courtesy of the German spokesman. It takes a certain calibre of man to wear a shiny cream suit and straw deerstalker.
10:42 In frustration at the Eastern Bloc voting, Terry says 'we shall have to build a wall'. Good job he's not going to Berlin next year.
10:43 14 countries to go??!! Blimey...
10:45 Ten points from Malta to Scooch. Keep hold of that George Cross for another year, folks.
10:50 Sadly, it looks like the Serbians have it tied up. The worst Eurovision winner in my memory. Plus, next year's content will presumably be from Belgrade, which wasn't looking too tidy, last I heard.
10:52 The Latvian spokesman seems to be a delivery boy who has wandered on by mistake.
10:54 One would assume that the Poles could find someone more charasmatic for spokesman. Or, in Poland, perhaps not.
10:57 So, the song I thought was the worst has received 12 points from the British public. I know how Terry feels.
11:00 Sadly, the song I thought was second-worst has gone and won. I doubt they'll take any clothes off in the encore, either.
The general opinion this year? Not a patch on the past two years' competitions. Too careful, not enough 'classic Eurovision' moments, charmless hosts, and a poor choice of winner over the delightful silliness from Romania or the Ukraine. Honestly, when the interval act is one of the highlights, you know you're in trouble. Let's hope for a return of the drumming granny next year.
By the by, the Cabernet was passable, and the Fitou very good. I consumed both with copious amounts of good West Country Farmhouse Cheddar. In disgust, I'm now going off to watch a naff middle-of-the-night film on E4 and listen to my Apocalyptica CD. See you in Belgrade, 2008.
Mu Beta Does (For) Eurovision Archive
