h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

you asked for it...

Why did the oragnge roll down the hill?
Because he ran out of juice!!!

What's white and sits in the corner?
A naughty fridge.

Hmm... this one's a little dated now, but apparently I got it in my inbox on November 30 1999, so I'll share it with you one year later:

Y Zero K Problem

Translated from Latin scroll dated 2BC

Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around.
Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind....

As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to
run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Yzero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.

If you have any ideas please let me know,

Plutonius

Here's my all time favourite slasher-flick/slumber party joke.

Q: What's dead?
A: You are, you just don't know it yet...

(multiple sick variations on that one.)

Or a cutesy one..

Q: Why was the little Egyptian girl worried?
A: Because her daddy was a mummy....

or possibly..

Q: How do you get two Whales in a mini?
A: Drive straight down the M4, over the toll bridge, you can't miss it.

Unfortunately that one only works verbally (cause of the spelling)and if the person you're talking to lives in the East. Northeners/West Country folks, how do YOU get to Wales in a mini?

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a policeman was interrupted by a little girl about six years
old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," he answered, and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," he said.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward him, "would you please tie my shoe laces?"

<BB<

What's grey and lights up at night?
An electric elephant.

Don't blame me, it was acracker joke...

Two vampire bats are sitting in a cave, slowly starving to death. They haven't had a decent meal in ages, and things are getting desperate.

The first vampire bat weakly unfurls his wings.

"Sod this," he says, "I'm going to go out there and suck the blood out of the first thing I find. Even a rat or a skunk is better than starving."

The second vampire bat watches him go.

Minutes later, the first vampire bat returns, blood dripping from his fangs.

"So, you found something," says the second vampire bat.

"D'you see that tree out there?," says the first vampire bat.

"Yes."

"Well, I didn't."

What's stiff and turns women on?



Elvis.



Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name?



Otherwise his name would be ewar woowar.

ace

The church was celebrating Communion. During the "children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and what it is all about.

"The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'. What does that mean? Well, 'joyful' means happy, right?
And a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?"

Little Johnny put up his hand and said, "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?"

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How many Vietnam Vets does it take to change a lightbulb?

Reply - "I don't know"

Ans. - Of course you don't. YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!!!

A pig goes into the telegraph office, fills out a "Send Telegraph" form and gives it to the telegraph operator.
The operator reads it and it says, "oink oink oink oink oink oink oink oink".
The operator then tells the pig, "For the same price you can have nine words in your message. Would you like to add another 'oink?'" The pig looks at the man in disbelief and replies, "But then it wouldn't make any sense!"

A prisoner in gaol receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

<BB<

Hello everyone,
I'm hoping to add to the Beer Jokes article at:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A617753
So if you know any beer related jokes, especially "A Man walked into a bar" jokes, PLEASE say here.

<BB<