h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

But what about the joke forum here: http://www.h2g2.com/F29080?thread=88873 ???

Umm, you are perfectly right there. Perhaps you could ask the PTB to move both conversations over there ?

It's funnier when you put it here - as the actress said to the bishop

I have only just heard this joke and it really made me laugh, I hope you folks out there haven't already heard it and apologise if you have...........


US Elections

At a White House press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that
she is going onto the presidential Campaign Trail with her husband, Vice President Al Gore.

"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair.
From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with the Vice
President, and will have my legs apart without wearing any panties."

"What is the message?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of
this rather startling announcement.

"Read my lips!!!: No more Bush."

My girlfriend told me this one, if that makes it allright:

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow shovel?


Give the b&*ch a shovel.

Again, My sincerest apologies

Hmm... my girlfriend, for some reason, loves this joke:
Why are brides dresses always white?
Because all kitchen appliances come in white.

A frog went in the bank and approached Patricia Black, on of the cashiers.

"I should like to arrange a loan"

"Certainly, sir - that's what we're here for. How much didd you have in mind"

"$50,000"

"That's rather a large sum. Do you mind telling me the purpose of the loan?"

"Not at all. I wish to go on holiday"

"And you need $50,000?"

"Well, it's like this. I am descended from Mick Jagger so there is a certain life style that I have to live up to."

"That's all very well but we are going to need collateral"

The frog then produced a 2" high green figurine.

"I fear I don't know what to make of this. It could be chinese jade and 2,000yrs old or it could be green plastic resin that was cast this morning. I shall have to confer with the manager."

Off went Miss Black and told the whole story to the manager who advised her -

"It's a knick knack, Patty Black, but give the frog a loan - his old man's a Rolling Stone."

Yes. I would agree that this is terrible.
I heard this on the stand up show:

Why did the lion get lost?
Because the jungle was massive

I found it excrutiatingly funny. Everyone I have since told it to has failed so to do.

To make up for the kitchen appliance joke... Q - How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? A - Just the one. He holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him. Also.. Q - What's the difference between plastic surgery and an OFSTED inspection? A - One tucks up the features.... A couple of better ones are at: http://www.h2g2.com/F36731?thread=87052&post=725572 but I can't be bothered to retype them. Pink O:-)

You mean, these jokes:?

Q: How many freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: one to change the lightbulb and one to hold the penis..I mean,
ladder.

Two psychologists meet each other in the street. One says
"Good morning." The other thinks "I wonder what he meant by that."
Q - What's ET short for?
A - Coz he's only got little legs

Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

Q: What's pink and very very hard in the morning?
A: Financial Times Crossword.

Shakespeare walks into a pub and the landlord shouts "Oi, get out your Bard"

Two nuns are walking along the street when a man in a dirty mac flashes at them.

One of the nuns has a stroke...but the other one can't reach.

I thought it was two old ladies and it was a streaker that ran past them.....same ending though!!

What's pink and hangs out your trousers?
Your mum!
Ahahaha
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch.

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gives her one.

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?" "Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife." By the way, I'm hoping to find learn some Christmas jokes, so if you know any, please tell me here: http://www.h2g2.com/F29080?thread=88873 All jokes about winter, snow, anything vaguley Christmas-like are welcome. Thanks.

Same two nuns/old ladies/whatever a little further down the road. The first nun (for ease of storytelling) turns to the second and says: "How on earth are we going to explain to mother superior that we've seen a man's *penis* twice in one day?
The second nun says, "what do you mean, twice?" to which the first replies "well, we are going to go back the same way, aren't we?"

Groan.

Hey, I love the double entendre one. That was a fave at my uni. Along with:

Q: How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
A: Poke-'m-on

Oh dear, oh dear.

They get better and better. Or will do when I remember any more.

Oh yes...this one. It's horrendous. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

What is pink, hairy, smelly and uterly destructive?

The atomic bum.

Euuuuugggghhh

Ok then.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

-yawn-

What's old, wrinkly and smells of ginger?
Fred Astaire's

Please could we all move to this joke forum: http://www.h2g2.com/F29080?thread=88873 after this joke? "This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call."