h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The Crash Mat - A22586682
Author: The Apprentice - I got an Entry in for my Birthday weekend! Yay! - U35204

Having mentioned it in the Peer Review comments of another researcher, I realised that an article on this vital subject didn't even exist! So... here you go.

The Apprentice

I was expecting an Entry on one of those things you land on when doing indoor gymnastics, high jumping or pole vaulting - perhaps "Bogroll Crash Mats", or a slightly more sensible alternative, might make a better title.

Also, it didn't really become clear that you were talking about bunging some bogroll in the toilet before defecating until I got to the fourth paragraph - perhaps (in the opening para):

"many toilet users choose to deploy a 'crash mat' inside the bowl before sitting down."

Alex

Fair comments - adjustments made!



The Apprentice

Fascinating primary research. I think this could form the basis of an undergraduate course at Thames Valley University.

I'd mention that the 'chaotic mess' variant is the apparent method of choice when using any UK rail facility, whether onboard or at the station.

Good call! Updated...

The Apprentice

What a useful Entry!

uncomfortable prospects, especially if you've only just sit down with a good book for a long session

Watch your tenses there, prospect and sat I think

Did you mention the positioning of the toilet user? If you tilt your fame or sit further back you can miminse splash more by letting your effluvia travle down the back of the bowl before hitting the water...

And what about in the extrme cases of diarrhoea? Sometimes, no matter what precauions you take, there's always the danger of splashback...

Ick! Adjustments made.

The Apprentice

One wonders if the h2g2 Photographers may decline to offer their services for this Entry...

Well... all you need would be a picture of the 'Asterisk' configuration with four overlapping lines of double sheet toilet roll nestled in the bowl of the toilet...



The Apprentice

The trouble is that not all toilets have water in them, so perhaps this is a UK thing? Not that I've ever heard of it before! So it's probably a UK boy thing. Although you mention this in passing further down the entry, I think you need to make it clearer at the top.

I'm really not sure this is a gap in the EG that really needs filling, but it fits the guidelines, so here goes.

In Environmental Awareness you could mention using recycled toilet paper. No, not the previous users bit, but that made from waste paper. There's no point is us all recycling if no-one is buying the end result.

"As outlined elsewhere" Where is this outlined?

The Chaotic Mess section I think should come out, or be severely tweaked. It may well be something that is done, but the effects of trying to stuff this much mess down a toilet has more effects than just a bit of plunging for the toilet owner. It can block pipes leading to neighbours suffering from the stench of backed up pipes, or even raw sewage entering their homes. I may well be missing the point, of it being done by people who just don't care, but I felt I had to mention it.

Sorry to seem a bit down on this, but I do think we need to get some things a bit clearer.

I do specifically state this relates to a certain type of toilet... and not being well travelled, I have limited experience of variants. I know the Spanish, French, UK English, Eire and US English all have bowl toilets with water at the bottom... or at least their hotels do! That covers a fair amount of ground. Additionally, Germany has bowl toilets with water at the bottom and the stated porcelain shelf affair.

How wide-spread this activity is rather suffers from the issue that people don't talk about it - like people don't talk about exactly how they wipe their backsides or their preferred location and position for self gratification. Occasionally, people might mention this stuff in passing, but you don't tend to fall over this kind of information in the street. I *KNOW* people do use crashmats because entirely in passing someone mentioned it to me. They came from a different part of the country, a different background and were a different age... and yet we both deployed crashmats before defacation. Since then I have found others also use it... and the variants that exist (sometimes these things reveal themselves in public lavatories where people have failed to flush on departure - though I wouldn't advise using those sorts of places for in-depth research!).

'Elsewhere' should have been a link... and now it is.

I have to say this piece - like other pieces in the Guide - comes from research or personal experience. The Chaotic Mess happens and should be part of the entry, even though it may not be the best thing for the sewer system or the environment. I feel it would be inappropriate to self-censor an aspect of the overall subject because it happens to be a bad thing. The Entry has more to do with awareness... and if people don't write pieces on things that don't get generally discussed, awareness will never spread very far.

Thanks for the feedback - I hope my responses make sense.

The Apprentice

Added reference to using recycled toilet paper.



The Apprentice

My experience of 'non-English' bogs is mainly restricted to the Dutch, which don't have water in them.

Ah. So... excuse my curiosity... what happens there? If you sit down to drop a couple of depth charges - you drop, wipe and then water gets introduced with the flush to wash it all away? Sounds like it has the potential to be quite messy...



The Apprentice

Very entertaining read, TA

A couple of comments. One could use newspaper rather than toilet tissue. When I spent time in Russia (a few years back now) social luxuries like bogroll ewere often unavailable, so newspaper was used for this purpose. I have also bewen known to resort to this when we run out of BR.

Presumably the 'splashback isn't so severe as to cause the kind of problems experienced by sail-boarders being towed by motor launches - due to high pressure water penetratinbg the a*s*. (I'm not sure that I believe these stories, but I think they've been published in BMJ or similar.... ...



(I rate these stories on a humour level equivalent to the tales of people trying to explain to their how objects like lightbulbs and dildos etc got irretievably stuck up the BP!!)

'However, any particular large turd will invariably breach the barrier' > particularly

Added a footnote about newspaper...



The Apprentice

Missing 'ly' corrected...



The Apprentice

"I *KNOW* people do use crashmats because entirely in passing someone mentioned it to me."

"I realised that an article on this vital subject didn't even exist!" Filling a gap, eh?

Anyway, I'm not here to poo-poo the Entry.....I'm just doing a spot of cleaning up while there's no one else around - don't mind, do you luv?


Floating Wad 2nd para: (can be made with facial tissues)?

Chaotic Mess end 1st para: <(or pouring water into the bowl from a great height ....)> (better without the 'or')?

Chaotic Mess end 1st para: [break up]

Chaotic Mess 2nd para 1st line: (Toilet users almost always use the 'Chaotic Mess' [[method/technique**]]...)?

[**]I think the Entry would be easier to read if you used one of these words, or a synonym, with each of the 'methods' mentioned.

Chaotic Mess 2nd para 2nd line: [does not follow]


You all right in there, dear? You're awfully quiet....

Thanks for the feedback! Much updating done...

The Apprentice