Once again we are beholden to the current executors of the Knolly estate for letting us publish this, the second package of the great man's journals and memoirs.

Elspeth had done a truly wonderful job with sorting out the venue and getting the multitude together. She must have had help from Bertie, but he denied it all, showering all the praise on my glowing wife.

Eating and drinking at the expense of the late Mr DeVries (at least, that is what I hoped) were people I honestly hadn't expected to see at all, what with all the increased activity in South Africa. But here was 'Big' Edward, resplendent in his military greatcoat, talking to Archie Trewser, who looked as if he had just arrived from one of his South American expeditions. He saw me and waved a very interestingly-shaped parcel. I waved back and then saw Bertie 'blinking at me'.

WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?

SOMETHING WHIMSICAL OF A FERTILITY NATURE NO DOUBT STOP WILL SHOW YOU LATER

'!' was Bertie's final reply as he went into fit of coughing.

Alexander Vinnishyourmilkoff, never one to miss any sort of party, loomed ahead of me, glass of clear alcohol in each hand. He was a giant of a man, hopping about with glee on his one remaining leg. He swore blind that he'd lost the other to a polar bear after helping sell Alaska to the Americans, and who was I to argue?

The 'Gentleman Walloper' was there, showing off his latest protégé to all who would take on interest. Ex-Colour Sergeant O'Hollerer's Gymnasium was going from strength to strength. (No pun intended, though rather a good one if I say so myself.) I was so glad I had helped to fund it, for the return on the investment was truly astonishing and would no doubt come in useful once retirement beckoned.

Seemingly in conversation with himself at the bar (but I knew better) was the Indian fakir and mystic Sag Aloo, who had served for many years in the in the Fifth Peshwari-Nan Lancers, ending his career as a Risaldar Major. I'd known him for many, many years. When visiting this country he would entertain me at Hoot Hall with tales of derring-do against the Pathan tribes in Afghanistan and old Indian folklore that concerned the elusive 'Ring of Wrong'. He enthralled many a party with his feats of hypnotism and levitation and often scared the ladies with the 'one-eyed serpent of Jodphur'. This, however, had on their first meeting amused Elspeth no end, to the point where she had to go and lie down for at least two hours until her giggling and violent hiccoughing had ceased.

Arthur Nonion and Lou Slemons, barmen extraordinaire, were running around like mad dervishes behind the bar, pausing only to wave in my direction. Even Hobbes was there suddenly, deep in conversation with Bertie, which of course explained Bertie's odd face-pulling while we were round at Merrick's.

The thought of me racing off by train to Hobbes' house with Bertie in tow wondering how he would explain such a disaster to my wife made me chuckle inside. How Elspeth had managed to prise Hobbes away from his 'hole' I don't know.

Bertie called out to me, tankard of ale in hand. 'Shouldn't leave your pocketbook lying around the home in future.' He quaffed and continued. 'I'll travel back with Hobbes this afternoon and get on with what we discussed earlier. You take some time off, eh?'

I took Elspeth to one side. 'You're beautiful, you know that?' She nodded and kissed me on the cheek once more. I turned to Bertie and yelled back across the hubbub, 'Don't to anything without consulting me.'

OH HO! AS IF I WOULD DARE, was his quick blinked response.

... And then... I spotted Auntie, holding court with Biggfat, of all people.

'Ah, dear nephew Knolly, come and sit with your Aunt for a while, and ask that nice barman for my special, would you please?'

I glanced across at Sol-Tan, sitting by her side. 'She given you the day off today then, Sol-Tan?'

'Indeed yes, Mr Knolly, sir, so while you're up, I'd like a whisky, please.' He smiled, and I laughed.

'I consulted with Elspeth about your birthday and you will find your present from me being delivered outside in half an hour or so,' said my aunt as I returned from the bar, drinks in hand.

'Really? Well, that's jolly decent of you, Auntie... is there a caveat to it at all?'

Elspeth gave a gasp at this and shot me a look, which missed me, but caught Biggfat going for his pipe, which he quickly squirreled away.

Auntie smiled through thin lips. 'How well you know me. Yes, there is a small favour. There are two young sisters currently under my wing that I'd like you to talk to next time you are up at the Hall.'

'Really, Auntie...' I felt Elspeth's foot glance off my shin and proceeded no further with the quip that was on the tip of my tongue.

'Hear me out. They show great promise and it is time they decided on a career.'

'A career?!' I squeeked rather loudly.

'Well, if you don't want your present....'

That was it, really. I was done for.

'... and if it is any consolation, both you and Bertie have met them before.'

Half an hour passed all too slowly for my liking, despite all the pleasant company, and as it happened Auntie's gift didn't roll up until two o'clock. But it was well worth the wait. A small crowd had gathered outside the hostelry by the time both Elspeth and Auntie had marshalled everyone together to come and watch the unloading. It was a magnificent vehicle, so shiny, so red, a true testament to the modern age.

'I take it, Knolly, from your open-mouthed gape and lack of words, that you approve of my gift?'

'Auntie, it's wonderful. I can't wait to take it out on the road, but we have a party to finish and I've still yet to say hullo to everyone.'

'That nice Mr Chetwynd-Talbot told me it was one of the finest he had to offer and being a friend of the family, well... I won't bore you, dear.'

'I assume, Auntie, you mean the current Earl of Shrewsbury? I hear he's looking to build his own automobiles as soon as he can get backers, rather than importing parts.'

I ran my hand over the gleaming fenders and pointed to a young lad pulling faces at himself in the mirror-like paintwork of the engine cover. 'You, lad, went to earn an easy half-crown?'

The young shaver turned to face me and nodded. 'Well, all you've got to do is to make sure no-one runs off with my new toy, understand?' The boy nodded once more.

'Right then, everyone, back inside for one more round and then we must go our separate ways — not that I'm in a hurry or anything.'

There were hoots and hollers at this, the loudest of which came from Bertie, bemoaning the fact that he wouldn't be the automobile's first passenger.

I think it must have been gone four-thirty by the time we had said our goodbyes and packed up the car. Bertie and Hobbes were the last to go and weaved their way along the pavement in the general direction of Charing Cross station.

I hung on to my wife as we waved them away. 'Thank you, my dear, that was a wonderful surprise.'

'I did try to get some of your service colleagues along, too, but they seemed to be rather busy, as were a lot of your military chums.'

'Hmmm, yes. It's to be expected. Oscar would have enjoyed it too, God rest his soul.'

She smiled at this. 'You miss him, don't you?'

'I miss his wit and observations, for sure, but not his dress sense!'

As we pulled out into the traffic, trying to avoid scaring too many of the horses that were about, I turned to Elspeth and asked about the lack of ladies of my acquaintance at the party.

She raised an eyebrow and gave me a look which even under the brim of her hat was alarming. 'Your Aunt was present; was there anyone else you were expecting?'

I was about to answer this, but suddenly thought better of it and sheered the conversation off in a different direction as I did to our vehicle.

Once we'd come to a halt, Elspeth decided there and then that she ought to drive us home for the safety of both us and anyone else on the road. I admitted that I did feel rather tired and so happily consigned myself to the passenger seat.

I did rather well for presents that day, other than the automobile and the natty driving gear from Bertie. I particularly liked the Millwall football strip that 'Walloper' gave me and I mentioned this to Elspeth as we poodled along to the townhouse that overlooked the Crystal Palace at the top of Sydenham Hill.

'Didn't know you could buy them.' I waved it at Elspeth.

'I think you'll find, dear, that he came about it by irregular means,' she said, taking the shirt from me and placing my hands back on my lap.

'Really? And how would you, dearest, know about things like that?'

'Please don't insult my intelligence. I'm pregnant, not ill.' Elspeth emphasised this by squashing my leg so I could feel her nails. 'I do so hope that Bertie and Mr Hobbes behave themselves on the train; they both seemed a little worse for wear.'

'Together they will be fine; it's on their own that they are dangerous. Besides, my fear is that Bertie will decide to head up to Scotland without me, and to that end I must be up with the lark, my dear.'

'Oh, Scotland, how lovely. I must write a list of things you can get me while you are there.'

I sighed inwardly at this, but Elspeth's eyes, fixed on the road ahead, seemed not to notice.

The Great Knolly Archive

The Shepherd and
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