h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I was sent this by a friend, but's I can't vouch for its authenticity. As far as I know it's genuine, though! Sorry it's so long...

> Act III - OurTurkishFriend conveys his story
>
> The Story Of My Homepage Somethings in life happen bayond one's control.
> Just like having an accident, winning a price, or having something fall on
> your head while walking through... That's how my homepage's story went
> on, beyond my control, a trick of technology... A year ago, like most of
> internet users; I requested a friend of mine to make a web-site for me; as
> to introduce myself. And he made a simple and beautiful homepage for me.
> The homepage was taken from a web-site which provides a homepage for the
> free users.It's adress was http://web.dir.bg/mahir .My homepage included
> some photos to show my personal specialities; my hobbies, a phone number
> and an address to contact. From time to time I myself even sent this page
> to some people on the net. But when I woke up one morning on the 3rd or
> 4th of November, I found all my phones continuosly ringing. My lines got
> locked and I couldn't realise what was happenning. Many people from
> T?rkiye and all over the world were calling me to tell their thoughts
> about my homepage at internet. Many of them were congratulating me for my
> page saying it was good; some congratulated me for my courage; and a small
> group from T?rkiye criticized it. There were even some people criticizing
> my English. I was confused of what was happennig. I wondered how my page
> attracted people's interest after remaining there for one year. I got
> bored of the ringing phones. And I thought to have a look at and see what
> my page was like now. I tried to open my homepage, but it was useless.
> There was a sign on the computer telling that there was nowhere addressed
> "web.dir.bg/mahir". As soon as possible I went to a computer programming
> firm to ask what could be happening. I told them the subject, and
> meanwhile they tried to enter my page and failed. It was still telling
> that there wasn't a homepage or a site like that. We were all confused,
> and my mobile phono was ringing continiously. I didin't answer most of the
> calls. And to the ones I replied I told that it was the wrong number. And
> sometimes I asked my friends to reply. That time a friend of mine thought
> to ask one of the calling people how they found my page. We requested
> someone to give us the address. It was a bigger surprise to see that
> address. "http://members.xoom.com/primall/mahir " was the new address,
> which I had no relation with. I had no page like that. One of my friends
> tried to enter the address which was made mine. And I was wondering if
> there was any harmful photos or writings that would hurt me. I called the
> police and told them to find who did this thing. I told them my homepage
> was stolen, and could have include harmfull things. They started
> investigation and couldn't find him. Meanwhile my friends managed to
> open the page. The photos, the address and most of the writings in the
> page was mine; but there were some additions saying that I liked sex, and
> had the hobby of taking photos of the naked models. And also it was saying
> that I was inviting the women all over the world to my house. We were all
> surprised and laughing. They started to search for finding who did that
> and why, and was that a joke or a plot... I went to the public
> prosecutor's office and there talked to 3 public prosecutors. But they
> were incurable in that free imaginary area. I was also incurable, and had
> no other chance but wait and see what would happen. There was a page which
> was known as mine, but was out of my control. My phones were continiously
> ringing. The day after I went out to talk to the computer programmer of
> the biggest TV channel in Turkey. But unfortunately he was on holiday. I
> contacted him by phone; he was in a computer firm. I went there to find
> him. There I was known by everyone. Because all of them had seen my page,
> and wondered who I was. They all congratulated me. And as being computer
> programmers, they were also confused. My page was the first to have
> 500.000 visitors in the second day. And every moment thousands of visitors
> were entering. I told them what happened, and from that day on they are
> helping me. The next day on of them suprisingly found who stole and
> carried my page. With the help of ICQ and unbeleivably we could find who
> did that. He was someone from another city and was also afraid and
> shocked. He called me afterwards; apologized me and told that it was just
> a joke. He was ready to change everything as the way I wanted to. But the
> interesting thing was the thing was he didn't know me personally. Somehow
> bu chance, he had entered my page, then carried it to another place
> changing its address. So that he could have the control. It was something
> done to harm me, beyond being a joke. The sayings of the god once more
> became true. Someone made a trip to harm me, but everytihng reversed, and
> he now got harm. Thank god... Things got in such a position that the one
> who did this told me that we could take advertisements, and use this event
> to earn money. And then share the money. It was the forth day and
> 700.000 people had visited my page. My phones and e-mails were locked. I
> obtained some more pages from the site that provided free e-mails. But
> they were even not enough for my e-mails, the areas of 3MBs were not
> enough. I couldn't even answer my messages. Everything was OK.. One of
> national newspapers of T?rkiye, made my story its headline and the whole
> page had my story and photos. I was so thankful to them, because they gave
> me a chance to tell the truth to everyone. From that time on, I started
> repliying the messages. 99 per cent of the messages and critics were
> positive. And only 1 per cent criticized my English. It wasn't my English
> in fact. And even if it was so, I hadn't to speak or write as an English.
> In fact I was looking for an English or American family to practise my
> English. Most of the messages outside of Turkey were coming from women
> who wanted to come and see me. There were invitings from many people all
> over the world, many of the newspapers and TVs were inviting me. Most of
> the Turkish men criticised me for writing "I like sex". They told this was
> a complex of mine. And some Turks calling from the other countries
> criticized my English. At last I had managed to introduce my country to
> the world. ?t was an expensive thing but I could do it without spending
> any money. And no state, or private firm, computer or internet firm could
> have this record used. In fact many people wanted to give advertisements
> from all over the world. From now on the subject changed its way. I was
> an ordinary person living an ordinary life. I still am using an old 486
> computer which is 4-5 years old. I have a house and a car. I am living
> alone. I like sports. In a week 2 times I swim, 2 times play table tennis,
> 2-3 times play basketball and mostly walk or ride my bicycle. I can play
> the accordion, flute and the Turkish instrument called saz. Once a week I
> go to the classical music concerts. I'm interested in journalism,
> astronomy, internet, taking photos. I like animals. I'm graduated from two
> universities. And at last I like sex as every are having active sexual
> life. It's making me happy to have friends from all over the world, and
> making new friends and inviting them to my house. I also am a volunteer
> worker for the people, kids and animals in need and for the environment. I
> would also go gladly go to the peoples' houses inviting me. Even after
> all I couldn't manage to get money from this event. I had some friends who
> were dealing with the internet. But they were working all through the day.
> So they couldn't deal with me. There were thousands of e-mail messages
> that I couldn't repply I couldn't leave my computer at least 6-7 hours a
> day. And I had my eyes harmed. There were thousands of people that want to
> visit my house, and I couldn't refuse any. And I still think a lot about
> the way to get out of this thing. I came a well-known person in the
> world, although I didn't want to be. I became a subject of internet's
> famous magazine -Salon magazine-
> and in the media of
> Sweden.-Afton Bladet I became the headlines of many newspapers and TV in
> different countries. My messages ran over a number of 1 millon, and still
> going on. New web-pages including my photos were running over the
> internet. There were people hanging my photos on their walls, and sending
> me messages that they love me. Whatever happens, my page had a positive
> trends, and unexpected record. if I had any possibilities I would like to
> entertain everyone of my own house. I'm too happy that I made lots of
> people laugh and for a minute i could take them away from their private
> problems. But I want you all to think about the realities of the world,
> that I mention below: -How many children are starving all through the
> world? -How many children lose their families, or are violated or become
> disabled during the wars that they even don't know why it happened? -How
> many children are being sold, or made to work and fight? -Do you know
> what is happening in CHECENIA -How many people in the world die of cold
> and hunger? -How many people are prisoned or violated because of the way
> they think or wear? -How many animals are being killed by the people, or
> how many are in the danger of extinction? -How the environment is ruined?
> -How many people are made to take drugs? -How many guns are provided in
> the firms and how many people are being killed with those guns? Just think
> of yourselves, what do you do to solve all these problems? What do you
> plan to do for those people? -Please, think for a minute. How old are
> you? Where are all your past years? Can you return back? -Please, look at
> your family, yourself, your life, your clothes, your beverages and food,
> and your fun. How much of these did you share with hungry, poor, naked and
> homeless people? -How many times did you think of the questions and
> problems above, by yourself and with your family? What did you do? -Did
> you, the humanbeings create the world and nature? Or did you find it
> prepared for you? Who and why gave you this life? -Did you, the
> humanbeings found the world, galaxies, universe, systems? Are we arrenging
> or directing them? -Are you sure, that any time, an earthquake or another
> disaster, an accident, an illness wouldn't destroy you or your family? I
> invite all of you think and take care of all these problems: wars,
> environment, human rights. The world is our common house. Let's not
> forget that it's given us to use in a good way. Whatever language,
> religion, race and thougths we have, we are still brothers and sisters.
> Let's love each other, and be each others friends. Let's share, share
> everything we have as possible as we can. Let's love and be loved. I
> would also like to tell you that i would like to invite you all, woman or
> man, and yours families to Turkey. You can be sure that i myself your
> guide, and arrange your stay in here i would be proud of inviting you all.
> Everthing is for peace, friendship, huminity and love. As a world's
> citizen, I love all of you. And thank you all. I invite to you also to
> my new site and my new pictures. in several days.

No, I regret to inform you that it IS true; this is the text that Mahir has posted on his new home page.

Who would have thought that he was a preachy greenie as well as a accordion-playing nutbar?

LOL!

I would have use 'Tree-hugging Fruit Loop' personally, but then I'm just a nice, sensitive guy.

Either way, it's a perfect job description for Mahir's new ambition: UN Goodwill Ambassador.

No, I am not joking.

maybe we could match him up with ginger spice, too - a double team if you will

span