h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hoorah, You're back, I thought you'd been lost to the eveil Bt monster
*starts to giggle again until she realises that she too has been conned into Bt so shuts up*

What do you mean what is it with me? Tell me what the 'it' is you're referring to and I'll tell you why

*decides to match Wumbeevil in his drinking and downs two Y*

Sorry there was no-one else in the ice box but you, that's how I managed to find your hand so quickly, if there'd been someone else there I think I would have missed you at the first attempt

*realises that the way to handle confusion is just to ignore it so carries on*
You can get midnight to 8am free too? You mean I could avoid listening to the detached womans voice...wow

As for the number of Wumbeevil's I think you're the first and only one I've ever met so maybe the others aren't extinct perhaps you're just a unique species
*grabs at throat starts choking*
*produces a piece of paper and scrawls, "clap your hands, clap your hands, you denied the fairies, clap your hands quick"*

*claps hands. Goes to clap them again, but realises someone has smeared them with superglue, so bangs his forehead on the bar instead, not noticing the carelessly scattered peanuts*

wt..wha.. what's happening? When did I deny the fairies? Has someone been spreading malicios gossip?

I was asking "Why are Tinkerbells are on the verge of extinction?", but I don't think you need to answer now.

I'm getting more confused than normal now, no Titus Oates? No Scott, no Foxes Glacier mints?

If you're on a monthly payment with btinternet you can switch to their surftime scheme, and pay £10/month thru your phone bill. Then you'll get those extra hours. You'll find details at http://www.bt.com/surftime/ and also at the btinternet site (I think).

I don't get this detached woman's voice (I would say headless, but then we'd run into all sortsa problems). Am I missing something good?

You should be a diplomat 'unique species' is the politest euphemism for 'you're a mutation' that I've ever heard.

*stops choking just in time*
Don't mind me I think I'll just lie here a minute
You said there weren't many Tinkerbells...although now you have peanuts glued all over your head so I can't come anywhere near you...hmmm
*grabs a handyly placed napkin and starts removing peanuts*
I think I know why you're unique...it probably has to do with the inordinate amount of time you spend banging your head on things

I think the problem with the ice bucket is that you had it confused with the real ice...like in Iceland and Sainsbury's and stuff
Although I'm quite disappointed Pingu wasn't in there

*starts giggling again*
You...you...asked me...hehehehe...gave me the bt site address...hehehee
*collapses giggling wondering if Wumbeevil realises that she spent two
weeks unable to access anything further than the bt homepage*

Aaaw you're not a mutation...unless you're Anne Robinson in disguise?
Sorry that could be misconstrued as an insult

Hmmm, do you like dancing? I'm having a party at the forum@the end of the universe and there's only me dancing...and I've only got 45 minutes left to persuade some other people to join in, other wise after the headless woman cuts me off my party is unlikely to survive til tomorrow

I withdraw the 'diplomat' compliment totally. Anne Robinson? I don't see how it could be construed as anything other than an affront. I've never been so insulted in my err ...well today if I've got to be strictly accurate. The only way it could have been worse would have been calling me a cross between the top half of Anne Robinson and the bottom half of Alice Beer, complete with skirt 40 years too short for her. Still seeing you got the peanuts off of my head, I'll forgive you.

*ducks as an ashtray mysteriously flies in his direction*

Yeah, there's also the small matter of the BT site to even out the insult. Can I just infuriate you by saying I don't usually have too many problems with it? (apart from when I check my bill and require resuscitation and a stiff drink). Seeing you apologised, I'll say sorry, I didn't know they had picked you out for special treatment (or maybe I'm getting the special treatment whilst the rest of the world is treated like you?)

Ha, there it goes, just got disconnected for the first time tonight.

Dancing, eh? Only when I can't stand up. OK then, just let me dig out my boob tube and a bottle of pernod.

Aaargh quick, only a minute to the witching hour!

Too late. *sobs as his phone bill starts spiralling up again*

And my boob tube's turned into a pumpkin. Still, I suppose if I hollow it out...

Ah well, I was going to let you rest easy tonight, but I suppose I have to break this news sometime... err does this Pingu taste like chicken?

*innocent fairy face crumbles in horror*
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
*stops to see if this is having any effect*
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*horrified fairy face scrunches in preparation for sobbing*
You ate Pingu! You...ate...my...Pingu...and...it...was...my...only...Pingu...
*prepared fairy face starts sobbing*
You ate Pingu
*finds icecubes to throw at Wumbeevil until he returns Pingu*
Hmmm
*Decides that's probably quite rude so attempts to pat him on the head instead*
Sorry, I got carried away...I can't believe you ate Pingu...
*realises she can't reach his head so gives him a drink instead*
Still I suppose I deserved it for the Anne Robinson comment...but poor little Pingu, he was so innocent and sweet...
*starts dancing so as to prevent further sobbing*
Do you mean to tell me you don't get stuck on the BT site for years on end? That's odd...although it's probably you getting special treatment as you did pay for a year...well 11 months...and 1000 e-mail addresses...
*stops trying to prevent sobbing and collapses into giggles again*
How many of your 1000 e-mail addresses are you currently using by the way?...ooh disconnected again, fun
*starts giggling again*
Of course I don't actually have an e-mail address at all as BT won't let me...oh
Hmmm

*notices ice cubes bouncing off his head and thinks "ah well that's summer over for another year". Looks around for some headgear, spies the ice bucket and puts it on. "Oh it's getting heavier, and the nights are fair drawing in". Walks forward, falls over a table, loses headgear and breaks a leg...*

Oh sorry Mr. Table. Good job there's a little bit of would over there that can fix it for you. Yes, he's a splinter. It looks like a simple fracture to me. You're lucky, I remember a staircase that had the most awful spiral fracture ...

*Notices Tinkerbell sobbing/giggling*

Hey what's up? I don't know if it was Pingu that I ate, tho it did have webbed feet and a nice tux. Oh yeah, and a three cornered hat, which I found a bit strange (says he dressed in a pumpkin boob tube). All it kept talking about was its plans for invading Russia. When I asked the date of the invasion it wouldn't tell me, just said "Not tonight Wumbeevil". At the third explanation, I got a bit tired of being told how to fight a battle at Borodino, so I ate it. Is/was Pingu an Emperor Penguin?

How many email addresses? Err, I think that's classified information. OUCH! OK, OK I'll tell you, just don't hit me with that chair again, or the person sitting in it might get upset. Err, it's more than one ...
OUCH! ...and less than three. And yes I do know you get 5 (FIVE) if you pay monthly, but what you forget is my 2GB (yes GIGABYTES) of webspace. Oh, I was SOOOO hoping you wouldn't ask that. Let me see, at the last count I was using around, hmmm, I'd say it was at least...nope it was definitely zero bytes of it.

*breaks down and sobs, then bursts into hysterical laughter*

What a fool I've been! I've paid out all that money just to be rewarded with easy access to the BT Surftime site, for a service I can't use.

I think you'll find the problem with having no usable btinternet email addresses might lie with your choice of names -

'theserviceiscrap@btinternet.com' and 'dontgetconned@btinternet.com'
are hardly the most diplomatic of choices. Hmmm, that's given me an idea about how to use up my email addresses!

*breathes a huge sigh of relief*
Pingu's not an empeireiriairiairior Penguin...he's just a tiny baby and he couldn't have been the one you ate as all he can talk in is Pingu language and that would just come out as Mwarp Mwarp
*sits happy again*
Oh sorry...
*stops throwing ice cubes*
Anyway I wouldn't joke about it being winter...we had about 4 inches of snow today, hail storms, thunder and lightning, an electric storm and a tornado...it was quite fun but I don't think it was the sunny weather we were predicted
*realises she nearly turned serious so starts dancing instead*
So you're using all of two e-mail addresses? Wow...
*supresses giggles*
Only another 998 left to use, better be careful there or you might have to buy some more...
*gives up and collapses giggling again*
And then you could have 4 GB of web space not to use
*wonders why she's giggling when she's stuck with BT for another two months*
I guess you could be right about the e-mail addresses but you forgot,
'Iaccessedthebtinternetsite@btinternet.com'
although as we've already established that that maybe just me I can see why you missed it

Ah yes, that would be The Battle of Mwarp Mwarp, I believe that was mentioned.. or was it Austerlitz? I keep confusing the two just to bring a little tension into that laid back fairy lifestyle of yours.

Oh! I see it's stopped raining cubists. About time too, I thought it would never stop Picassoing. Well then, I guess it must have been Austerlitz and not Mwarp Mwarp.

If I hadn't seen the hail and tornado on the news, I would think you were away with the humans. It was so nice here, I went for a run on the bike to see how many new burnt out cars were on the drinking/cycling path (six in seven miles in case you're interested in working out insurance premiums and, let's face it, who isn't?).

*realises he has almost regained contact with reality and eats a jar of Gold Blend and a pack of Old Holborn*

Ah, that's better, now where were we? Oh yeah, Scarborough or somewhere. Aargh, quick run we're falling into the sea of mutations.

Ha, slag me all you like, I strongly suspect that I may have to use a massive chunk of my webspace to back up an ill-advised statement about an eight foot twiglet. Yes, slag me all you like, you ..you diminutive personage, you. We'll see what happens when you're looking for space to upload a life-size pic of Eddie Irvine. *breaks down yet again*

Only two months to freedom? That's this year! You lucky, lucky fairy *breaks down yet again, again*

HELP! I think I'm turning into Damon Hill or a P&O Liner.

*drives in in hysterics*
I passed my fairy driving test and so in celebration me and my mates are listening to 'Latin Dance Party'...sadly as it cost £1.50 for a double CD it's sadly lacking in musical talent
*starts singing along "Bhajee bhajee gumbo, together chicken chicken chicken tikka"*
So funny...
*makes bee in tin noise "mmmammmmamam bzzzzzzzz mmmmmamamam bzzzzzz"*
Did you know we scared the corrupt bloke? I think that's quite an achievement for a humble fairy and a Wumbeevil, proud of you

Now are you sure that he didn't mention the "Battle of Basteings" because that would show us that you spoke to a chicken not Pingu, they're still very sensitive about it as apparantly they took a roasting there and Colonel Sanders has never let them forget it...

It's amazing how multitalented you Wumbeevils are I would never have guessed you could run on your bike...is it a unicycle? And to be able to do economics at the same time...wow

*stands by with a bucket to collect the shards of glass from the chewed jar*

Why were we in Scarborough? Are we going to the fair? I've always wanted to go to Scarborough fair but I wouldn't recommend swimming in the sea...I can as I've become acustomed to the scummyness but it might have strange effects on a Wumbeevil.

Why would I want a life size picture of Eddie Irvine...besides he's not that tall so I could probably fit him on the free webspace which I can't use rather than the free webspace which you can't use

Aaaw don't cry just because you have another 998 e-mail addresses to use...I'm sure it'll be fine and don't forget you did get a free months access

*tries desperately to help Wumbeevil share her good mood*
Err...cookie?
*realises that cookie's are vaguely internet related so shuts up*
Please don't turn into Damon Hill that won't be good

*Looks up to new subject line*
That's an interesting theory, let's just see if it works...

"Toxteth O'Grady, 1982"

*taps foot and waits for a prize to fall into his lap, but his foot rebels and says, "You already owe me a fiver, I'm putting my err.. toe down. You're getting no more money out of me, you down-at-heel bum. You're becoming a right pain in the Achilles."*

Right, now I've got in my feeble attempt at revenge for the totally warranted batterying I've just taken (I refuse to smile or lol as that would only encourage you ..Damn! Damn! Damn!) Let's move on to the funniest bit of your posting:-
LOLOLOLOL
You also have 2GB of webspace?
ROTFL
Hahaha, are you... hehehe...trying to tell me. hahahaha that you signed up for a year....muahahahahahaha...with btincompetentnet .... MUAHAHAHAHAHA...before they were even offering free phone calls?
*ROTFLHAS (Achilles!). Five minutes later he takes his hands away from his very sore stomach muscles and wipes away gallons of tears*

Suddenly I don't feel so bad, tho it's not gonna last long.

Be careful what you're doing with that Latin Dance Party stuff, it's highly addictive. Already your impression is spot on. I listened to a Salsa band with bagpipes one night, and the next day I had almost uncontrollable cravings to go and buy a Ricky 'the teeth' Martin CD. I think it was only the horrific sound of the cat-stomping that saved me...well there was also the horrific sound of the Salsa band

Hey, have you been at the "Worst of" at MP3.com? That really did give me a sore stomach. I was so impressed, I bought two copies of the worst CD in the universe, "Jesus Christ is Lord" by Wayne and Liz.

A month free? No, it's OK, I'm not gonna break down ... yet.
*whistles Always Look on the Bright Side..*
That would only have kept me at bt a month longer.

I noticed that bit about the "run on the bike" when I typed it, but mistakenly thought that, being a nice fairy, you wouldn't pick up on it. All I can say in my defence is, "Have you ever tried pedalling a bike when someone has stolen both wheels?".

The Jar of Gold Blend, I didn't notice (no not because glass is transparent, before you say it ), so it's a point to Tinkerbell on that one. It's OK, you can put the bucket away, I just took the lid off the jar and swallowed it whole, so it would act like one of those slow-release Contac capsules.

We were at Scarborough because I thought that was where the tornado had been. Admittedly, I wasn't paying much attention to the news, but the bad weather seemed to centre on Yorkshire and Humberside. As for not swimming in the North Sea, there's an old Indian Frog saying, "Three eyes are better than two for spotting paleface with um heap big straw".

*realises he drifted perilously close to reality again (?!?!) and swallows the infuriating Gold Blend couple as a service to humanity*

I'm frightened to say another word about Damon Hill in case you slaughter me! It's probably not safe for me to turn into a cruise ship either so, if it's alright with you, the next time I break down, I'll turn into err... one of Richard Branson's wonderful trains.

*Slumping over after having played catch-up on the forum run*
-ughh
There was an answer to the thrid ? which was using either
a)an open not panelled van
b)using a van with wings that would give lift while
crossing the bridge- both required returning to the warehouse yard changing trucks drinking heavily whilethe birds ere moved and then dirving VERY fast.

But they did get acroos either way.

Now back to the ? left

What is so difficult about following directions?
Please answer inthe form of a ? in order to claim your prize.



I love this game

Another please.

Hiya Jin! *waves to Jin*
Personally I'm quite confused by this game but still... err when you say following directions do you mean as in road maps or as in doing what you're told? Also do you have white chocolate?

Y'see I've now asked two questions and I bet neither of them are the answer to the question (which was actually quite confusing to start with ) you asked which leads me to wonder whether it is actually easier to answer if you don't know the question or whether in fact it might be easier to question if you don't know the answer...

Anyway, Hiya Wumbeevil! *waves to the sleeping Wumbeevil*
Sorry I vanished, went off to live in a tent for a bit...

What battering? Obviously you thought my poultry attempt at a yolk was just fowl play... *throws water over her head in an attempt to stop the feeble puns*...

Right that's better You think I signed up for a years BT subscription? *returns to hysterical giggles* Whilst I have every sympathy for you I am also overjoyed to say that I just had a three month subscription...*restrains herself from further mocking the poor BT'd Wumbeevil*

As for the Latin Dance Party CD, sadly it has already become part of our lives...whenever a chicken is spotted the singing begins and as there's bad song lyrics for every occasion we have started singing "Latin American Carnival anthems" at every available opportunity

Hmmm *wonders whether to reveal bad news, hands Wumbeevil a case of whisky and a straw in order to lessen the upset* actually the years free subscription meant you would have only paid for 11 months of Bt and so would have been able to escape sooner... Sorry

So you don't own a unicycle? That's sad...anyway I assumed you'd put the running on a bike thing in on purpose so I do apologise for my bad fairy manners...likewise with the jar of coffee *looks apologetic*

I think the tornadoes were all over the place, Hull, York, Scarborough...everywhere But I guess Scarborough's a nice a place as anywhere to be...if we have to be in a cold northern seaside town

I won't slaughter you for being Damon Hill, it's not that I dislike him just...well...I can't help but support Schumacher
Hmmm Richard Branston? I don't think that's a good idea either, his trains are always late when I get on them...although they do get randomly stopped for fun reasons like baby ducks on the line and I doubt anyone else would dare use that as an excuse for a tea break

Jin, you read thru all that? Muahahahahaha!

"What is so difficult about following directions?"

1) Why don't you ask an actor who's fallen off the stage?
2) Can you follow something that doesn't move?
3) Are people really so cruel as to give totally meaningless directions to lost tourists?
4) When someone says 'follow that' do you chase after their sound waves or start quoting from the Four Yorkshiremen sketch?
5) Have I really been stuck in a public toilet since 1975 cos every time I get near the door I see the 'Now wash your hands' sign?
6) Has Mrs Bobbit ever been on a tour of a film studio when a director has said 'Cut'?
7) Have you tried using Microsoft's Routefinder?
8) Does all this really matter when baby ducks' lives are emperilled by commuters demanding trains arrive on time?
9) How can I answer this question when I have to follow your directions in my reply, but if I do so, I am contradicting the underlying assumption made in the question?
10) Was that logic?
11) Boy, do I need a drink?


Hiya happy camper, betcha wish you had fairy dust for putting up tents, or did you just move in under the nearest mushroom?

BT...damn, damn, damn! *holds nose and drinks whisky* Ah, thatsch schbetter. Schtill, it wasch a good laugh at the time.

Chickens:
1) I bet Tescos are wondering why their customers are breaking into song near the poultry freezers.
2) Did you get barred from ever going to see Chicken Run ever again?

Mr. Peoples' Lottery - you have to guess how many times his trains'll have broken down since last Sat/Wed.

* Looks back in angst* There, almost a normal forum entry

Hmmm...why are you trying to write a normal forum entry? Are you feeling alright? I guess this means I have to write a normal reply now which should be interesting...well actually it'll probably be quite dull if I have to be sensible...

Putting up tents is easy you just turn up an hour after everyone else and then it's already set up by the time you get there, as long as you make a vague effort to straighten a tent peg then no-one ever finds out Besides I did the cooking...and the flaming...and the extinguishing...but the main extinguishing only occured at night due to the marshmellows which rudely set on fire...and it's not as if we left them in the flame for very long...if we'd not been distracted by the shooting stars there wouldn't have been any need for them to set fire to clothing...

hehehehe BT hehehehehe
*sits and giggles to herself again*

And for the record I didn't get thrown out of Chicken Run although I did throw popcorn all over the floor but I never meant to...and I made no chicken related bad jokes...

Hmmm...I've run out of things to write now...why did you write a normal forum entry, you're sad smiley suggests you didn't want to so what could have possibly forced you to be sensible...unless it was all the whisky I gave you

I am sure that you still remember the question... but in case you don't.... *Drrrrrrrrummmmmmm rrrrrrrrollle ppppleeeease*
How can you help the devine? The name sez eet ohl. So I am sure that a Scot speaking English English and an American Speaking Americanish English trying to make fun of the '"True Love" Roommyday Khrishnas can had a love fest but what do I need NOW!' can do it without total and conplete obliteration of the forum.

Nopw how about a nice Drink... Single Malt 50 yo. straight up?


Hmmmmm....

-of to my version of a really bad pub now hefeweizen made by big burly men who think they now something about beer.. uhhggg!
-I will be back to answer your answer question later... sorry but I am late I'm late for a very impotent date!!


-Jin

Me? Speak English English? Muahahahaha! Cumaffit Jimmy naebdy unnerstaunsawurrrdasay, inra only Devine aknow israteejit Sidney ritsings rabluddyawful "Scotland Forever".

*An entire school of Babelfish band together ("networking" is definitely not PC for all things piscatorial) on this, their most difficult challenge, translating Glaswegian into intelligible anything*

Hmm, "devine"? It might be something to do with my distant relatives the vine weevils, but I've got to go and drink about a hard day's thinking, or something.

Just to confuse things further I'll reply to you TB the next time I'm unpiscatorial enough to focus. Off to see the Gallaghers causing trouble.

*Newspapers today report the mysterious mass suicide of 3000 babelfish....*

Ok enough is enuff.. *Takes a long draw on a short cigarette*

Soooo *CLOUD* you want t' henrage d' Babel Fish *CLOUD* *Draw* *CLOUD*
*CLOUD - Its geting preety thing* May-bee d'ise fish can-not sto-mach d' foul smehl of dis' forum end arh goin d' rung way upt d' rivair...
.............................((###))..((##))
Or may-bee nuht... @8)/)

-Gjinh

*From somewhere above the ether blows*
-I'll do yours if you do mine. - Evertin is bery foggy and I fell gude!

Oh for goodness sake the pair of you are unbelievable Here I was sat in a highly cheerful mood after having watched many interviews with the lovely Jenson Button and then I read both your messages and instantly decline into a confused and gibbering state
*sits and gibbers whilst pretending to be Texas, realises she can't cope with being Charlene so eats some Misssssisssssippppi mud cake instead*

Right then, if it'll allow you to both make more sense, Jin get a back scratcher and if the itch isn't on your back then you can reach it anyway so it'll all be fine
*hands Jin some anti-itch powder and a back scratcher*

Wumbeevil, have some more whisky and don't worry having spent vast amounts of time in Scotland myself I can translate for you...
*hands Wumbeevil a bottle of Whisky*

Are you both happier now?

P.S Weren't Oasis playing at the Leeds festival?

*Frowning*
It had to be in the form of a question like "Where should I scratch or something to that effect, now that game show host won't give you the chocolate. *Running off to make a case for TB*

*Running back after making the case and getting a case of beer since the case did not go so well*
They siad "Ever watch JeopardY?!! Ehh Uhhhh You get IT!, You DON'T get it!" - THey are very rude game show hosts you should know!

*Trying to look a bit like a Gone w/ the Winds character*
Franky TB, That was bery nice of you!
So now wher it this forum headed... I need to get off in South Inner Qlwghlm.
*As jin step to the door... must be off to do my best IS(r)L!*
-Jin