h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Down in the cellar is a dark set of rooms, lit by a pavement "light" window. Little squares of bottle thick green glass that let distorted chinks of light through.

The cellar is really very very old, much older than many other parts of the guide. But that is the way with real pubs, they spring up on older sites. They have HISTORY even before they are built. Ghosts, myths, legends, creatures, visitors....

The pub cellar is the first of a series of arched domed rooms, made of ancient stone. The vaulted ceilings are remaniscent of the oldest of cellars, the floor of cracked stone slabs uneven to the step.

The stairs down to the cellar are stone too, worn down in the middle from the years of treking up and down and down and up by countless landlords.

In the cellar are many barrels and racks of wine, stretching out into the dark, dusty distance. If you went too far in the wrong direction, you would probably end up in something similar but not quite like L-space; P-space.

In the middle of the main cellar is a wooden, solid oak trapdoor. The door is reinforced with black iron bars. Across the door are three solid looking iron bars. At both ends of each of the bars are solid stops, which are hammered into place and look totally un-moveable. Someone wants THIS door to stay shut. However, sometimes these bars have been known to work themselves loose, somehow the stops come free of their own accord and the bars slide easily out of place.

The landlords rarely come down the steps without checking it is safe first.

No pub is the same without its pet. They are usally a cat or a dog, although iguanas and other creatures have been known. Some pets are friendly creatures, others are loners, some are standoffish, others will attack at a moment's notice.

In the corner of the cellar, next to the chimney wall that links with the ovens in the pub kitchen, is a pile of the oldest barrels, covered with piles of rugs and tarpaulins but surprisingly little dust. This corner isn't the best place to store alcohol, being slightly above the usual frigid cellar temperature. These barrels don't contain the usual liquids though. These barrels contain drinks that are rarely heard of outside the deepest realms of P-space. Only the most hardened drinkers at the Forum and Firkin dare even breathe the names of these beverages.

Upon this pile, relaxing in the warmth, is our "pet".

Kitty

The pub's cook's own much beloved Cave Lion. A throwback to the age of the very first time a human ever discovered how to make alcohol.

Kitty is loveable really, just don't disturb it or annoy it. If you have to replace the barrels or find an ordered wine, bring cake. And not just any cake. Special cake. The cook's own secret recipe.

Why "it"? no-one's got close enough to find out its gender, except maybe the cook. But then, it is the cook who bakes the cakes .

*ventures down the steps, carrying a trusty lantern and the busted cricket bat*

Plum wine, plum wine, where did I put the plum wine?

*Kitty is relaxing against the warmth of the chimney*
*Kitty opens one eye at the sound of the footsteps coming down into the cellar*
*Seeing it is Menza, the pub's own landlord, he opens the other eye, stretches and gives a wide gap-mouthed yawn showing ALL his sharp teeth*
*he bounds off the pile of barrels and blankets and pads across the cellar floor, his nails clicking slightly on the stone.*
*when he reaches the bottom of the cellar steps, he sits and awaits Menza'a arrival, looking hungry*

*sees Kitty and suddenly wishes he brought some cake*

Sorry Kitty, I didn't realise you would be down here. Would you like me to go and get you some food?

PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I suspect that would be a yes, well can I just get a bottle of Plum wine and I'll get you a snack.

*Kitty continues to block the foot of the stares*

*waiting*

OK, OK, I'll go get you a snack. I'll be back in a minute.

*Menza leaves the cellar to go to the servery*

*Kitty sits down to wash and wait for Menza and the cake*

*Menza returns carrying a trey of cake*

Here you go Kitty, I hope these are enough.

*kitty eats cakes delicately, then steps aside to let Menza pass*
*Kitty settles down to wash itself, watching Menza closely out of the corner of its eye*

Right then, where did I put the Plum Wine. Now I dont use it too often so it would probably be somwhere down the back.

*Kitty follows Menza to the back of the first room of the cellars*

*starts looking at the bottles on shelves, But still can't find the right one*

Its no good, I'll have to go through to one of the back rooms.

*hefts cricket bat a bit higher*

*Kitty follows closely behind, making sure Menza stays by the left wall*

*opens a rather dusty door, whick creaks loudly*

I haven't been back here in ages.

MMMIIIIAAAAOOOOUUUUWWWW

#In the back of the first cellar room is an old wooden door. It is dry with age, but still solidly built.
The innkeeper is carrying a large bunch of keys. Solid iron keys on a large hoop of metal. He selects one of the keys and tries it in the lock. It doesn't turn. He tries the next one, almost identical, this time the key budges slightly. Putting down his club, he holds the key with both hands and puts all his weight into turning it. The lock gives with a loud "click".
The landlord then takes a lantern from the hook on the wall, checks it is filled, touches a match to the wick and then turns the flame down to a lasting burn.
He picks up his club and, juggling a bit, opens the old door.
It creaks as it opens and the light from the first cellar and the lantern casts strange elongated shadows of innkeeper and cat on the dusty stone floors.
The door swings open further and the innkeeper pushes a large slab of stone in front of it, to prevent it closing on them.
They take about 4 steps in, letting their eyes grow acclimatised to the dimness and gloom. The innkeeper holds the lantern up high. Skitterings in the corner turn the cat's head, as small creatures unaccustomed to being disturbed scatter from the bright light.

*notices small foot prints in the layers of dust*

I think we need to get a cat flap put in this door, at least you could scare the rodents away.

*Kitty considers the size of itself and the size of the door and wonders if Menza really wants the entire door to be a cat flap, considering it is a very heavy old door and Menza would probably be knocked unconcious trying to push under it*