h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Japan 1: History Religion Arts and Language - A18557300
Author: Bob Stafford (Keeper of The Treacle Shadow) - U3151547

Please review and comment rescued from the flea market

FleaMarket thread at F74125?thread=3719042
Peer Review thread for original Entry (Japan - A12590462) at F4560975?thread=3218143

I'll have a look through it now, Bob.

"During this period the samurai, repelled invasions from the Mongols in 1274, 1281."
-->
"During this period, the samurai repelled invasions from the Mongols in 1274 and 1281."

"first the Onin no Ran or Onin war destroyed centralised government. Then after that the Sengoku Jidai the time of the country at war."
-->
"First the Onin no Ran or Onin war destroyed centralised government, after which came the Sengoku Jidai, the time of the country at war."

"but the only itemp that Japan imported from Europe" --> only item that

"The annexion of Korea (1910)" --> annexing
"Japan acheived domination" --> achieved
"are those that finaly complete the society" --> finally

"There wers swords made in over 50 areas of Japan" --> "Swords were made in over 50 areas of Japan"

"could read Chinese Kanji, Today children are taught" --> Kanji. Today

"Although basic Japanese is simple, lacking such complications as distinctions between singular and plural, it has a complicated system of 'honorifics', where words change depending on the relative status in society of the speaker and the listener. This can be difficult for westerners to grasp." - you've used this paragraph twice - is there any way to remove one of the copies of it?

Alex

Hi Alex

Thanks for the time on this one all done

Bob...

Hi Bob. Now that your Barrows entry is nearly ready, I thought I'd take a look at some of your other entries.

36 00 N and 138 00 E -- this looks rather odd. I think it would be better as 36° North and 138° East.

are similar in appearance to Caucasians -- can you explain who Caucasians are, as this is not a common term where I'm from

until the birth of this baby boy, the law nearly had to be changed to allow for a female heir -- what baby boy would this be, then?

existance --> existence

Rice cultivation, metalworking, and the potter's wheel are introduced from China -- were introduced

"Yayoi" --> 'Yayoi'

people identify kami --> people identify kami

100-300: Local clans -- are these dates? If so, it should be:

In 100 - 300 AD, local clans...

Some paragraphs of the history are in past tense and some in present tense. Decide which you want and stick to it.

builds new capital in 710 --> builds a new capital in 710

Nihon shoki( -- add a space after shoki

(794 - 1192, --> (794 - 1192),



There, I've read about the first sixth of this. I'll try and get back to the rest of it over the next few days.

Bob, have you finished making those changes? If so, you should post on the thread to say so - I think Gnomon wanted to make more suggestions

Sorry we were waiting for each other, yes I belive that I have done as he requested.

Bob,,,

Just a few general points:

Dates should always be in the form '1534 - 1582', not '1534-1582', so you could do with going through and sorting all those out.

Footnotes should follow words without a space, so 'became a ronin8' not 'became a ronin 8' - there are a few of these too.

Century, when following a number (as in 15th century) should always be capitalised, so '15th Century'.

Brackets should always have a space before them; not 'tsuba(guard)' but 'tsuba (guard)'.

Foreign words should be italicised.


If you could go through and sort those out - there are a few instances of each in your Entry - one of us will take a look at the other five-sixths and point out anything else we spot Content-wise, I think it's close to ready.

Oh, and don't forget to shout when you're done

Done I think Skankyrich

All done Gnomon

Great, Bob!

Here are a few more:

vistors - visitors
acheived - achieved
The Allied Powers, especially the USA, occupied Japan... - this sounds a bit odd, how about 'led by the USA' or 'The Allied Powers, consisting mostly of American forces'?
dancing. calendars - Calendars

That's all I caught, but then again I can smell dinner

Hope this helps

Hi Skankyrich,
All done, I hope dinner was good.

Thanks for the alterations

Bob...

The only other major thing I would suggest, Bob, is that you have a look at your headers and consider making some of them subheaders. I think it would read better if you had less headers - for example, one for the history, one for language, one for arts etc - and make the rest into subheaders.

The final tweak from this shire would be to adjust your footnotes, so the ML looks like this:

In Japan the search for spirituality continues every hour, every day, every month.- Dennis Banks, American Educator

Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu!- 'Happy New Year!' in Japanese

Then I think we're looking good

Oh, and thanks - dinner was great!

Hi all sorted I hope what do you think.

Bob...

Fantastic, Bob! You've left the first header as 'Early History', though, when that section talks about the history to the modern day, so pehaps this would be better as simply 'History'. The 'Development of Language' section could be retitled 'Language' for the same reason.

Finally, instead of 'Japan 1: History Religion Arts and Language' you could simply call it 'Japanese History and Culture' - a bit snappier.

Then I think we're done, unless anyone else has any other comments..?

I think this is looking great now, Bob

Nice rescue Bob

This paragraph seemed a bit disjointed, especially that last sentence...

In Shinto, Japan's oldest religion, people identify kami (divine forces) in nature and in such human virtues as loyalty and wisdom. 100 - 300 AD,: Local clans form small political units.

And a couple of typos

Heiankyo(now Kyoto --> Heiankyo (now Kyoto)
thehabaki --> the habaki

Hi Rockhound

Thanks for that all done I hope the re write will do it.


Bo...

until the birth of this baby boy, Crown Prince Naruhito (Prince Hiro),

I think this would be better as:

until the birth of Crown Prince Naruhito

named ‘Yayoi‘ -- you should use italics or quotes, but not both. If you are using quotes, change these to straight quotes like 'this'.

100 - 300 AD,: And local clans -- this seems to be the beginning of a new section, but you have it in the middle of a paragraph about Shinto.

haniwa (clay sculptures -- you're missing a closing bracket

Your history jumps between present and past tense. Be consistent.

Actually I think you could do with all the italics. It only confuses things.

Local authorities owed loyalty to the Emperor (tenno) who controlled their own domains, instead of direct control of the land from the centre.
-- there's something wrong with this. If the Emperor controlled their domains, how is that different from direct control of the land from the centre?

Official contacts with China stopped in 838 AD, however Buddhism -- change "however" to "but".

where you given land for military service -- there's a word missing

underwent decline of power with rise --> underwent A decline of power with THE rise

A samurai with no master, became -- remove the comma

upon his lords honour -- this needs an apostrophe

the daimyo approximates to the European nobles --> the daimyo approximate to the European nobles

The Gempei war started during this period the Minamoto family became the rulers when they were victorious over the Taira clan From the formation of the new military government The Kamakura Bakufu (1192 - 1333) set up by Minamoto Yoritomo at Kamakura in 1192, who became "Seii-tai shogun" from 1192 after his victory over the Taira clan. -- this is about four sentences which have been stuck together without punctuation.

diamyo -- you have it spelt daimyo in some places. WHich is it?

Muromacht -- Japanese words don't end in acht

the Muromacht Period 1333 - 1568, is regarded -- remove the comma or put in one after Period

Japans most violent period -- apostrophe

first the Onin no Ran or -- at the start of a sentence you should have a capital letter

were Guns in 1543 -- Guns is not a title, so it doesn't need a capital letter

but the only item that Japan imported from Europe were Guns in 1543, and Francis Xavier and Christianity in 1549

You say "and Francis Xavier" but you don't say what he did. Is it "and Francis Xavier came" or what?

into future and into the modern world -- this would be better as "into the modern world and the future"

prompting America to become further involved in the Second World War -- why further involved? I thought this was their first involvement.

second biggest economy (keizai) -- there's no need for this Japanese word here, since "economy" is perfectly understandable with the Japanese explanation.

Shinto, the indigenous religion of Japan reveres nature -- add a comma after Japan

I think that's enough for this evening.