h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No I'm not one of those conspiracy buffs who read all those books and has the Warren Commission memorized. Yeah I know this is lame and tiresome to many, but being a Dallasite here in Texas (where we shoot at presidents and we shoot at people who shoot at presidents), and since I drive through Dealey Plaza at least once every couple of weeks or so (while ducking just to be safe), I'd really like to know who shot John F. Kennedy back on November 22nd 1963.

I mean for real. A final definitive answer. I don't want to hear complicated theories that just put people to sleep and skirt around the issue of the truth. I just want a name, and preferably a phone number, so I can call the gunman who's probably old and decrepit by now and tell him he's a complete and utter butthead. I don't wanna kill him. I just wanna call him a butthead.

No it wasn't Oswald, okay? Why? Because besides the fact he was up in the sixth floor of the book depository and you can't hit the broad side of the court building with a cannon from there, there was this big tree in front of the building between him at the window and the street below. And it was in November but the leaves don't start falling off trees here in Dallas until just before Christmas. Oswald couldn't see cuz there was this big tree in the way.

Also, even if Oswald could have shot the back of Jack's head, that woulda meant Jack's face was gone, but the bullet went through the front of Kennedy's head and came out messy in the back. I mean even Einstein's theory of relativity can't explain how that could happen. So it wasn't Oswald. So who was it? I mean it doesn't really matter now. It won't bring Jack back. I just think we need to clear that up before we hit the millenium, because clearing it up afterwards will just be incredibly silly.

And while we're at it, I'd also like to know what happened to those aliens the U.S. Government abducted at Roswell New Mexico back in 1947. No it wasn't a weather balloon, okay? I watch the Discovery Channel. I know. And is Elvis alive or dead? He's definitely dead. Someone tell those boobs who still think he's The King before the millenium is over. He wasn't the King of Rock n Roll anyway. Chuck Berry was. Dammit.

And is Disco dead? Can we finally kill Disco and burn it in effigy? I for one would PAY to see Disco burned in effigy. And is Grant buried in Grant's tomb or is it someone else? And are we perfectly sure there's ten planets in our solar system? We used to think there was only nine. Now we think there's ten. Is there an eleventh planet out there and it's black which is why we still ain't seen it? We used to think the Earth was flat. Are we 100% certain it's round? Last I heard they were saying it was actually kinda sorta egg shaped but not really. I mean does anyone really know? We went to the moon over twenty-five years ago. When are we goin' back? Granted there's nothing THERE but moonrock, but think of the tourist trade!

Nobody ever found the Holy Grail. It's gotta be out there somewhere.

Was it Bach or Beethoven that had an unfinished symphony? Or maybe it was Mozart. Shouldn't somebody finish that damn thing? Yes I know cigarettes are bad for me. Either make them illegal before the millenium is over or shut up about it. Did the dinosaurs die because of an asteroid crashing into Earth? Are we agreed on that now? Or did they smoke too many cigarettes? And are we really sure about this Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle? Is that as clear as mud for everybody? We were supposed to have some sort of Universal Law theory thingy for physics by now weren't we? I don't wanna wait around another millenium for some Universal Field Theory and listen to physicists talking about Quantum Mechanics in the meantime. I can't wait around that long. I mean I'm gonna die eventually. Is there really life after death or am I still gonna have to get a life when this one is over?

And perhaps most importantly, the peace efforts in the Middle East. Those countries have been shooting at each other for well over two thousand years. I mean is it just me or is that too long to hold a damned grudge? I don't think any of them even remember why they're still fighting. Is it God or Allah or Yahweh or Jehovah or Krshna or Elmer? You know what? Whatever his/her/its name is, don't care! The Creator of all Mankind didn't make you guys just so you could blow each other away, alright? It's like they don't know what else to do they been doing it for so long. Kiss and make up before this millenium is over because the rest of us on this planet are sick and tired of hearing about it.

Mmmm... I feel SO much better.

* shakes 8-ball *

* waits for answer *

"You must be joking."

Some good and serious questions there...which may be solved if you tune in during the new telly season now upon us...

Or we could consult one of H2G2's online Astrologers...

I think we all need a little mystery in our lives, if for no other reason than to prove that humans DON'T have unlimited control over everything. (Aside from all that, solving these problems would put all the of the tabloids either out of business or reduce their stock of bollocks to such a degree as those that read them would be forced to look elsewhere for nonsensical tripe..
(Which means someone ELSE would fill the bill: there's money to be made out of gullible prats, after all. Especially those that believe that life is a badly made-up fiction and tv. a reality)

I certainly don't have any solutions for most of those problems, aside from saying "All of this is WAY too late, the statute of limitations has expired, so DROP it. Let it go. You'll feel better later."

All of this is a manifestation of those that think with their emotions or their religion, without consulting reasoned argument.

Fruitbat

Elmer?

I can see it now...

"Be vewwy vewwy quwiet... I'm cweating wabbits...
HUUHUUHUUHUUHUUHUUHUUH!"

Actually, some things I'd like to see finished before this millenium wraps...

Hasn't Jerry Springer HAD his fifteen minutes YET?! He should go the way of Morton Downey, and lose a lung (not for health reasons, someone should just rip one out)

Bart, Lisa, and Maggie Simpson should show SOME sign of growing up... I think Bart is old enough to vote by now, or at least old enough to get busted on a DUI charge.

It would be nice (this is just for the Americans, y'all) that the people in government would take the chance to actually FOLLOW the Constitution, instead of trying to turn it into toilet paper or rolling papers for their smokes!

And, for God's sake, will SOMEBODY please force Berke Breathed to start Bloom County back up? besides the Opus n' Bill cards and wrapping paper!?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! mmmmphhh. Sorry I was asleep there for a min.

Who cares really!

certainly anywhere outside of the 12mile limit that surrounds the US no one else even looses a nights sleep over this one!

Who was he anyway? - just a man who somebody else didn't like which as a result someone said shoot him for me. Probably a few others consented to this also like the man who signed the cheque. But really, I mean to say I'd rather watch paint dry!!!

Speaking of which have you ever read a colour wheel chart and luxuriated in the knowledge that those colour shades were dreamt up by some other team of people of which one person said - that one! and then someone grabbed a cheque book and paid someone for there efforts!! Now where have I heard this similar argument recently ............ zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I thought there WAS no statute of limitations on murder...

I agree it's tiresome. Did you not read the first sentence of my initial post? You just saw "Kennedy" and jumped on your high horse?? I said it's tiresome, but do you want to go into the 21st century without a definitive answer that will shut up all those conspiracy theorists and lunatic fringoids? I don't care if the answer is Bugs Bunny, so long as it's the truth and can be proven beyond the shadow of a doubt.

From now on it should be unlawful to disregard someone else's words without actually having read them first. Sleepyhead.

Whilst I know You read my response you clearly did not understand it. I don't actually care who shot Kennedy is the statement. It really is inconsequential anymore. He was one man, granted a President of the US but still just a man. When you weigh up all the people who have been shot/murdered around the world do you hear the same level of clammering? I think not.

I didn't just see Kennedy and jump on my high horse - I do not possess such an item. You have to understand that the more you talk about a thing the more people will engage in response (not all will be palatable) and the lunatic fringe of which you speak will rush out the gutter like a pack of rats no matter what. Do't forget that the conspiricy theorists are in business and in it for the long haul ie they will never be shut up so why kindle the fire.

Why should it be unlawful to disregard anyone elses words? How enlightening to assume I had not read your words let alone understood what you were actually saying. As I said it doesn't matter.

Truth is just another word, everyone has a different interpretation of truth - after all, it's what keeps the barristers employed!

Never mind, I am sure that the 21st Century will be just as full of who-dunnits as this last one was.