'There's no use trying, one can't believe impossible things.'


'I daresay you haven't had much practice. When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.'

Mrs Bewidigeldi loved Alice in Wonderland. In her opinion, Lewis Carroll's masterpiece brilliantly reflected the real world, although she did object to the way in which the Queen of Hearts refused to acknowledge the existence of modern croquet equipment. Still, it was her favourite documentary of all time, and she kept her prized Alice tea tray hidden away in her glass cabinet under lock and key at all times. One couldn't be too careful with all those disrespectful characters around nowadays. Looking out the window, she noticed Mr Lluchmoor looking rather bored. Poor soul — he obviously didn't know that Alice was on the TV again.

John woke up facing the ceiling. He was quite used to doing this sort of thing, being the sort of person who falls asleep on his back, and so he nodded off again for a little while. A nagging little thought at the back of his head tried to point out that the ceiling wasn't his ceiling, but John suppressed it for a while so he could have a nice rest. However, a voice that wasn't his started talking to him, and the nagging little thought at the back of his head grew larger until it became an overwhelming source of curiosity. John opened his eyes to see a pair of browny-grey eyes surrounded by long auburn hair looking down at him.

'Are you ok?' Emily asked him, wondering if she'd done the poor bloke any serious damage.

'Erm... I think so. Where am I?'

'I managed to knock you off your pushbike and I couldn't really leave you lying unconscious in the middle of the road, so the doctor helped me carry you off. He says you should be ok, I think, but you don't look too healthy.'

'Well, I feel a lot better knowing that someone cares whether I live or die — what's your name?'

'Emily — Emily Masham. And you must be John.'

'How'd you know my name?'

'It's on the label of your t-shirt — you've got it on back-to-front, by the way.'

John laughed. 'It's not the t-shirt that's the wrong way round — it's me.'

'I know how you feel... Here, let me help you up.'

Emily helped John to sit up on the couch and he noticed that he was in rather unfamiliar surroundings, which he assumed to be her living room. She went off to make him a cup of tea and John mulled over his current situation. He remembered that he had been heading off towards some mysterious assignment, but he couldn't remember exactly how far he'd got. He still had his mini A-Z map in his pocket and he pulled it out and studied it in the hope that something would come back to him. His head was hurting a little, but he was slowly coming to his senses and he decided that he wouldn't give up on reaching his assignment just yet.

'Where were you heading?' Emily asked.

'Basildon Road. Do you know where it is from here?'

'It's just a few blocks away, but you're going to have to walk there — your bike's a bit knackered I'm afraid. I can take you there if you want.'

'What exactly do you plan to do with that?!'

'Isn't it kind of obvious?'

'Not really — it's a tow truck.'

'And?'

'And what?'

'It's the only means of transportation we have, that's what — and what's more, I got it for free.'

'Tuh. I preferred it when we nicked Ali Baba's camel.'

'Yes, but Ali Baba's camel loved Ali Baba's self, and wherever Ali Baba went the camel would surely go. Which is no bloody good if you're not Ali Baba and you've got souls to reap, is it? Besides, that entire thing was just a stupid wild goose chase.'

'So what's this then? A wild pheasant chase? A wild swan chase? Pah.'

'Honestly, Lluchmoor — don't you realise what we could achieve if this all goes according to plan? Invulnerability, immortality, a lifetime supply of freshly-baked rock cakes...'

Lluchmoor had never really been able to get into Pyrodæmon's way of thinking, but he did like the sound of baked goodies being readily available. He just didn't understand what it had to do with burning people to remove their souls, but he did grasp the concept that the job had to be done, even if he didn't like it much. He left Pyrodæmon tinkering with the tow truck and headed inside to see Mrs Bewidigeldi about the possibility of having another batch of rock cakes after dinner that evening.

'Are you really sure you're okay?'

John reassured Emily once more that he was just a little concussed, but otherwise he was feeling fine. Actually, he was feeling better than fine, knowing that someone actually cared just a little. After promising she would get his bike repaired, she dropped him off at the end of Basildon Road. John began to think life was going back to being simple, but then life decided to prove him wrong. As she pulled away, Emily shouted something to him:

'See you round, Mr "Dvorak"...'

Cedric was quite happy at that particular moment in time, having discovered a fresh source of yummy bread crumbs in the most peculiar of places. There they were, torn up into bite-size chunks, all ready for gobbling down with a nice bit of water. How thoughtful - Cedric would have to find the human responsible and repay him somehow. There might even be more breadcrumbs up for grabs, and with this thought Cedric went off in search of John Pie. It wasn't as if Cedric knew John's name — he didn't really know his own — but he had a distinct feeling that he was heading in the right direction as he waddled towards the front door. He didn't much like this whole passing-through-solid-objects lark, but he needed to get outside and there was no other way. Cedric walked straight through the lower panel of the aluminium door, then waddled faster and faster until he could take off. Cedric soared into the sky, accidentally passing straight through an advertising board and several houses in the process.

On the Subject of Pie Archive

AlexAshman

19.10.06 Front Page

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