h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

These place names cover certain areas of Preston and Bolton...

Doffcocker (n.) Patronising person (usually female) who refers to anyone less than 10 years older using terms such as "chuck" or "luv'" or "son".

Nob End (n.) Anyone who insists on driving a Golf GTi whilst simultaneously wearing a baseball cap the wrong way round and using a mobile phone.

Plungington (n.) The sudden heart-stopping jolt often experienced just as one is falling asleep.

Grimsargh (n.) The expression on the faces of most McDonalds employees who are yet to receive their first star.

Heapey (adj.) The slightly disheveled look of someone who has just run for, but failed to catch a bus.

Dobble (n.) The huge pool of ketchup or brown sauce which deposits its self on your plate after an attempt to extract "just a drop" from a new bottle.

Aspull (n.) A completely theatrical show of exertion designed to persuade a child that you are far too tired to lift them in the air, play "horsey" or go outside for ANOTHER game of football. Aspulls almost always fail to have the desired effect. e.g. "Errrrrhg... see I'm too tired to even get out of this chair!"

Adrian "Bungo" Bradshaw