h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is a warning to the people of the world

To justify my comments I would like to say that I have lived in Darwin for two years and am not just passing through. I feel entirely justified in posting this as it is a purely objective view of the place with no harm intended.

Darwin has several things going for it, you can catch a flight out of there fairly easily and there is a decent road heading south as well.

Australia has sold the world on images of "Skippy the bush Kangaroo" "Blinky Bill the Koala" "Milly, Olly, and that other thing" from the olympics for years. These are all lies. Skippy would gut you in an instant with his back legs, Blinky Bill would have you eyes out in a flash with his two inch claws and the rest of them are equally as nasty. In Darwin we have two very special creatures however. These guys rarely show up on glossy brochures, and for good reason.

a. The Salt Water Crocodile: has existed in its current form or one very like it for some time now (several millennia) and has seen no need to change. Where is the evolution in that, why has it stagnated in this backwater of evolution when everything else was off inventing the wheel of marvelling at fire. I stagnated because it is the perfect estuarine killing machine and can take down a large buffalo in no time let alone a soft squishy human. and

b. The box jelly fish: This is one of the major predators in the region and it can’t even lay claim to volition, let alone free will. This creature appears here, when the wind sees fit, for around six months and then shuffles off again after causing several cases of horrific scaring and a heart attack or two.

Between them, these two animals touched on briefly are by virtue of the fact they make the beach a dangerous place, the worst things about Darwin. For six months of the year you can't go in the water for fear of an almost certain exposure to horrific injuries due to a box jelly fish sting, and for twelve months there is a decent chance that a raw hand bag is going to take you from your beach towel and nibble on you.

If there was ever one city that required access to a decent beach it is Darwin. In the Australian winter the weather is great, fantastic even. 30 - 32 deg C for six months and if you see two clouds in a day it is called overcast. This is the best weather ever for getting into the water, if it weren't for the horrors lurking below.

Then for the other six months, the Australian Summer, the weather is 32 - 34 deg C, with a humidity of around 95% on average. While the temperature is not that hot, it is the humidity that is the killer. As any one who has spent any time in high humidity will attest it is hell, only wetter, when the humidity is up.

If Darwin had a beach that was safe then maybe there would be something to do except drink. In the past I thought I had been to some places where they drink big, but nowhere is like Darwin. Beer is the only escape from the heat and the reality that you are in Darwin. With Beer (please note that I use Beer as a generic term for any cold alcoholic beverage (and that I say Beer with a capital B)) you can both cool down and imagine that you are not in Darwin. This has led to some people becoming so convinced that they are not in Darwin that they went for a swim and were never seen again.

While Australia makes a good showing every year in the annual Beer consumption figures, Darwin has the highest annual Beer consumption per capita of any city in the world (no proof at this stage but I will get the figures). This is helped in some small part by the back packers who flock her during the dry season and in some big part by the locals during the wet season.

Possibly the worst thing about Darwin however are the backpackers. While I am all for tourism and capitalism in a big way I just cant abide the really chirpy attitude generated by these smug little travellers.

As this is the "Hitch Hikers Guide" please allow me to dispense this little tip about the locals of Darwin to the travellers of the world. If a local agrees with you about your impossibly rosy image of Darwin he is either a. Drunk and or Insane. b. About to rob you. c. not a local and trying to impress you with a few lines from 'Crocodile Dundee'.

If you must travel to Darwin then please do. Come in the dry season, Apr - Jul is best, and you will have a good time if you stay dry. But please do not tease the locals about the fact that you don't live there and you get to go home shortly, as they may decide that you would like to go for a swim after all.