Two legionnaires are trudging through the desert on
their way back to camp. They used the last of their
water over an hour ago and are getting desperate.

As they reach the top of a sand dune, they notice
a collection of market stalls set up in the valley
below. They rush down the other side of the sand dune
up to the first stall and ask for water.

The stallholder, a man wearing pantaloons and
curly pointed slippers says: "I am sorry, oh esteemed
gentlemen, but all I have to offer you are these
bowls of jelly and custard, topped with whipped cream
and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires politely refuse and move on to the
next stall. "Please, we've been walking through
the desert for days and are desperate for water.
Can you help us?"

The second stallholder is similarly attired to the
first and also replies: "Much as I would like to
help you in your hour of need, I am sorry to say that
all I can offer you are bowls of jelly and custard,
topped with whipped cream and sprinkled with hundreds
and thousands."

Once again our heroes decline the offer and move on
to the next stall but once again are only offered
bowls of jelly and custard, topped with whipped cream
and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands. The same
happens at every stall they approach.

Dejected, they resume their sombre march back to camp.
"Strange that," says one, "finding a bunch of market
stalls in the middle of the desert, and all they have
are bowls of jelly and custard, topped with whipped
cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

"Yes," replies the other, "it was a trifle bazaar."

One day the chimpanzee invented some tools to eat
his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along
one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was
a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end
each sharpened to a point, this he used to spear his
food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very
proud of his inventions which he called his one point
tool and his four point tool.

One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was
missing, the chimp was distraught. He ran around the
jungle trying to find his precious tool.

First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried,
"Have you seen my four point tool?"

"No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four
point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla,
Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four
point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar,
Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"Yup!" Replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point
tool."

"Well where is it?" Enquired the chimp.

"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.

"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp, appalled
at the turn of events.

"Because," Replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool
eater jaguar!"

A man is sitting by his car at the side of the road
looking unhappy.

A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the
problem is.

"I've locked myself out of my car" replies the man.

"That's not a problem" replied the passer-by, "Step
out of the way,and let me try rubbing my bottom on
the door".

The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no
harm in letting the man try - it might be worth a laugh.

The passer-by turns his bottom to the car and slowly
rubs it up and down the driver's door.

Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and
opens the car door.

"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do
it?"

"It's easy" replies the pedestrian, "I'm wearing khaki
trousers."

This Sunday football team is a bit short of players and
have to recruit a chicken to play for them.

He has a fantastic first 45 minutes, covering every
blade of grass on the pitch. One minute he's clearing
the ball off his own line, the next he's making an
inch-perfect cross from the wing for his team to score.

At half time, the chicken's team is 4-0 up. Following
the break, the teams are coming out and the Ref is
talking to the chicken in the centre circle.

"I must say I thought you had a tremendous first half!"
said the ref. "You must train very hard to be so fit."

"It's not easy," replied the chicken, "but I try to get
down the gym for an hour before I start work in the
morning."

"What do you do for a living?" asks the ref.

"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.

With that, the Ref gets out his red card and sends the
chicken off for an early bath. His team mates crowd
the Ref, all protesting the harshness of the decision.

Waving their protests away, the Ref declares "I had
no choice ... it was a 'professional fowl'."

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find
all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are
cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a cold night but he'd never thought
anything like this would happen. The realization of the
situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock
gone how would he make ends meet? How would he
feed his wife and kids ? How would he pay the
mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands trying to
come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the
matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured
toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament
to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to
rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the
cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal
and chewing the cud.

One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until
the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer
was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted
as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing
approached the farmer. "You know who that was
don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer.

"That was Thora Hird"

One day, God speaks to Noah. 'Noah', he says, 'I
want you to build another Ark.'

'What, like the last one?' asks Noah.

'Yes' replies God, 'Except this time, I want it to have

14 decks.'

'And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like
last time?' says Noah.

'No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it'.

Noah is a little puzzled. 'Just fish?' he asks.

'Yes' says God. 'In fact, just carp.'

'Just carp? Why carp?' Noah quizzes.

'Well,' says God, 'I've always wanted a multi-storey
carp Ark!

Apparently, London's first sperm bank turned out to
be a complete disaster.

There were only two potential donors:

One missed the tube, and the other came on the bus.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named
"Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name
him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her
husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen
Juan, you've seen Amal."

A Russian couple were walking down the street in
Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his
nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said".

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a
major argument about whether it was raining or
snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party
official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask
Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or
snowing". As the official approached, the man said,
"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or
snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly replied:

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"!

A penguin is driving out in the countryside when his
car shudders to an unscheduled halt. Luckily for him,
he notices that he is just down the road from a garage.
So, he pushes his car to the garage and asks the
mechanic to take a look. The mechanic tells him that it
will probably take a little while to find the problem and
asks him to come back in an hour.

So, the penguin goes over to the supermarket, buys
some fish sticks and vanilla ice cream for lunch, and
spends the rest of the hour hanging out in the frozen
foods section. After the hour is up, he waddles over to
the mechanic's shop.

Seeing him come in, the mechanic walks over, and
wiping his hands on a rag, says, "Looks like you've
blown a seal."

The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with his flipper
and says, "No, it's just vanilla ice cream."

Two Hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first one
says, "Oh No, I lost an electron!"

The second one
says, "Are you sure?" The first one says, "Yeah, I'm
positive."

A man runs into the vet's surgery carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The dog sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the labrador thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "625 pounds."

"625 quid to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
25 pounds for my initial diagnosis. The additional 600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."

This bloke goes into a pub and he's got a little
chauffeur down the front of his trousers.

He walks up to the bar and the barman says to him:

"'Ere mate, do you know you've got a little chauffeur
down the front of your trousers?"

The bloke replies:

"Tell me about it. It's driving me nuts!"

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are roaming
deep in the heart of the Amazon Rainforests. They are
fighting through the vines when they step across a
white line. Confused they decide to travel on when
suddenly they are swarmed and captured by a tribe of
Azuli Warriors. They are taken back to the camp and
thrown into a hut.

The following morning they are taken out into the
centre of the camp to be executed by a team of
deadly archers. They are given one last request of any
drink they choose. The Englishman steps forward and
says he wants a pint of the finest bitter. He gets the
pint, enjoys and is promptly peppered with 30 arrows.
He dies instantly. The Scotsman then steps forward
and requests the finest neat whisky. He savours it and
when he finally finishes he too is mowed down with a
couple of dozen arrows. Next is the Irishman: "I'll
have some of your finest Aftershave" he claims.

Confused, but willing to let him fulfill his last request
the chief returns with a bottle of aftershave which the
Irishman promptly downs. The archers let fire but
every single arrow misses him, they reload but no
matter how close they get they still can't seem to hit
him. Baffled the chief goes up to the irishman, "What
the hell's going on?"

"Simple" says the Irishman holding up the bottle,
"Aramis"

This little girl runs into her house, tears running down
her face She races up to her mother and says, "Mum,
Mum, can I have a glass of cider?"

"Why on earth do you want cider?" asks her confused
and concerned mother

"To take the pain away," sobs the little girl

Obviously the mother refuses, but the girl keeps on
crying and eventually her mother pours her a glass of
cider in an attempt to shut her up

The little girl grabs the glass and immediately puts her
hand into it "It doesn't work," screams the little girl

"What do you mean?" asks her mother

"Well," sniffs the little girl, "I overheard my sister
saying that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she
can't wait to get it in cider"

Two blokes were seated at the end of a bar when a
young lady seated a few stools away began to choke
on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and
obviously in serious respiratory distress.

One said to the other, "That girl is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "Think we should go
help?"

"You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and
said, "Can you breathe??"

She shook her head no.

He said, "Can you speak??"

She again shook her head no.

With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the
backside.

She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction
and began to breathe, with great relief.

Back to his friend he said, "Funny how that hind lick
manoeuvre always works."

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching prisoner
cell block H on the telly when he hears a knock at the
door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling "You
sign! You sign!".

Behind him is an enormous 18 wheeler truck full of car
exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete
amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell
louder.

"You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got
the wrong bloke. Sod off" and shuts the door in his
face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the Japanese man is back, with a
huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard
under nelsons nose, yelling

"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he
shoves the man back, shouting: "Look, sod off!
You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then
slams the door in his face again.

The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the
afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon
opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the
same clipboard under his nose, shouting

"You sign You sign!".

Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car parts.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the man up
by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want
these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
name! Who are you looking for?"

The Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults
his clipboard, and says:

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Why did the Bhuddist refuse Novacaine?

Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a
sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and
shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts,
"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter
and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender,
"Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the
following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin,
characterised by distinct black and white colouring.
Eats shoots and leaves."

Mykl has some pretty awful jokes too.

Check these out: