Once upon a time there was a knight, a very brave and noble knight whose armour was chequered and striped in two colours. Those colours being green and white. He had a horse, also of two colours, but in this case the colours were black and white.
Despite the fact that the knight's name was Sir Peregrine the Pure and his trusty steed's name was Fireblade, steed of Champions, he was always known as The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse.

One fine Spring day, some time in the days of King Arthur, somewhere in middle England, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse was about, looking for Damsels in distress or some other noble deed.

Now as it happened, he spied a damsel.He was glad to see that she wasn't in distress, but he would have liked to have seen her out of Dat dress as well, for she was a very fair maiden. She had long wavy golden hair that glinted in the sunlight, a pair of eyes of that most luscious deep blue, like a tropical lagoon, that make you want to dive into their inviting coolness, her lips were so gorgeous and kissable and her breasts,well, they were the kind of breasts that make sad,lonely men stop playing Tomb Raider and pay attention. Of course, you can tell this was the middle ages, because in these enlightened days of sexual equality, no-one would dare to think like that of a woman today!!

But The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse was pure and chaste himself, and did not run solely on thoughts of lust, oh no. He had watched this young lady for a while and he could tell by her mannerisms and beautiful laughter, and her speech and the way she held herself and spoke to the peasants, that the princess, for such she was, was a wonderful human being and if he were to marry her, would be sure to have his dinner on the table when he got back from his quests.

The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse was detrmined that he should marry this princess. Now, in those days, if you wanted to marry a princess, and you were a knight, you didn't waste time talking to her, you went straight and asked her father, THE KING for her hand (and presumably any other bits you wanted).

So, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse saddled up The Black and White Horse of the green and White Knight, and off he went to the castle of Yoravinalarfincha to talk to the King. He rode up to the great gate and knocked on it with his gauntlet. CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!it went.

The castle door was opened by King Saw-id himself (he couldn't afford servants).The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse said "Hello, I'm The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." "Not The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?" replied the King. "Yes, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse" replied The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse. I am a very brave knight and have done many brave deeds," he said, delving into his tunic. "Here is my CV. I would like to marry your daughter, if I may, most noble sir."

The King perused the CV and looked both The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse and the BLack and White Horse of the Green and White Knight up and down. "You may have done many noble needs, in many,many noble lands," He said to The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse."But you have yet to do any noble deeds here in Yoravinalarfincha. To prove yourself worthy of my beautiful and only daughter, Warfar-bah-, you must do a deed for me, King Saw-id. First you must go and get me a colour television!! And make sure it's got Teletext, too."

The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse looked worried. It's never a good sign when temporal inaccuracies appear in a joke but he was determined that he should see his quest through.
" I accept your quest, oh King Saw-id of Yoravinalrfincha!! For I am The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse, and I will return for your daughters hand." The King started to say "I'm surprised you didn't want her......" but got quickly censored before he could drag this joke any further into the gutter.

The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse rode off through a handy temporal rift and into a busy town. He rode down the high street and found an electrical retailers.

He opened the door and said "Hello, I'm The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." The shop assistant looked up and said "Oi, you can't bring that horse in here, tie it up on the rail outside!"

So The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse went back outside and tied up The Black and White Horse of the Green and White Knight to the hitching post outside the electrical shop. Then he went back in. "Hello, I'm The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." he said. "Not The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?" replied the shop assistant, whose name was Bob. "Yes, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!" said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse."I would like to purchase a colour TV with Teletext please."
"Certainly sir," said Bob "I'll wrap it for you. That'll be £150 please."

The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse paid for his purchase and went back outside to the Black and White Horse of the Green and White Knight. He rode back to the Castle of Yoravinalarfincha and once again banged on the door with his gauntlet. CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! it went.

King Saw-id of Yoravinalrfincha opened the door and said "What?".
"Hello," said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse "I'm The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse."
"Not The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?" said the King "Yes, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse!" said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse. "Here is your television, now may I marry your daughter?"

"Not so fast," said the King, "you know as well as I do that there's sod all on Telly these days, I want to watch videos. Before I will let you marry my daughter,you must go and get me a NICAM Stereo VCR." "Oh Bugger!" thought The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse. "Very well then,"Said he "I will go and get you this NICAM Stereo VCR of which you speak." and so saying, trotted off on his horse again back to the Electrical shop.

On entering the Electrical shop, he said "Hello, I'm The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." "Not The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?" said Bob. "Yes, " said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse "The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse. I would like now to a purchase a NICAM Stereo VCR if you please" "Certainly sir, "Said Bob, "That'll be £250 please, I'll even throw in all the relevant leads."

Thus equipped, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse returned to the Castle of Yoravinalarfincha, Banging on the door with his gauntlet,CLANG! CLANG!! CLANG! The king opened the door and The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse said "Hello, I'm The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." "Not The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?" said the King, "Yes, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse. !Here is your NICAM Stereo VCR and all the relevant leads, now may I marry your daughter?"

"But," said the King, "what will I watch on it? I want you to go and rent me a video to watch. Get me Ishtar!!"

A stunned silence fell across the Castle of Yoravinalarfincha as everyone tried to believe what they had just heard.

"But not the crappy looking original version! " he cried ( and everyone breathed again) I want the latest Ishtar Special Edition Director's Cut THX digitally remastered in Dolby Pro Surround Sound in WIDESCREEN with Rumblepack!!!"

The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse, wondering just what he's let himself in for, rode once again to the electrical shop.There was the usual rigmarole of course: "Hello, I'm The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." Not The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?" "Yes, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse. Please can I hire a copy of Ishtar the Special Edition Director's cut THX digitally Remastered in Dolby Pro surround Sound with WIDESCREEN and Rumblepack?"
" But this is an electrical retailers," said Bob. "You want the Video Shop next door."

So The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse popped next door to the video shop. "Hello, I'm The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse "Not The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?" said the man in the shop, whose name was BillyJoeMaryBethJimBob "Yes, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse. May I please hire a copy of Ishtar, The Special Edition Director's cut THX digitally remastered in Dolby Pro Surround Sound with WIDESCREEN and Rumblepack?" "Very popular title," lied BillyJoeMaryBethJimBob who had a hot date with his sister later that evening (as you probably guessed from his name anyway) "We've just got the one left. That'll be £15 please."

This seemed hellishly expensive but he thought of Princess War-far-bah- and gritted his teeth, paid up and returned to the Castle Yoravinalarfincha.

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!! went the gauntlet on the door. King Saw-id answered it. "Hello, I'm The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse. "Not The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?" said the King "Yes, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse. "Here is your copy of Ishtar, The Special Edition Director's Cut, THX digitally Remastered in Dolby Pro Surround Sound with WIDESCREEN and Rumblepack. Now may I marry your daughter?"

" But how can I watch a video without a tub of Popcorn?" said the King "You must first get me an extra large tub of Toffee Popcorn and a large Pepsi,and then you will truly be worthy of my daughter."
"Bloody Hell!" said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse through clenched teeth "I will do this last task for you, oh King, but be warned, I'm losing patience with you."

Are you still reading this? Blimey you must have the patience of a saint.

So The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse returned to town and went back to the video shop because obviously, there wouldn't be any popcorn in an electrical retailers."Hello, I'm The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." he said. "Not The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?" said BillyJoeMaryBethJimBob "Yes, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse. "I would like to buy an extra large tub of Toffee Popcorn and A large Pepsi please." "What do you think this is, a sweet shop?" said BillyJoeMaryBethJimBob, "P**s o*f." But then he remembered that this was a video shop and they are full of this sort of crap these days, but HE never bothered to put it out. "Hang about," he said "I've got some somewhere."

He produced the correct items and everything went smoothly, apart from the fact that The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse felt that £48.65 for An Extra large tub of Toffee Popcorn and a large Pepsi taking the piss and said as much and so there was some violence, but being a knight, he triumphed gloriously.

The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse returned to the castle of Yoravinalarfincha on The Black and White Horse of the Green and White Knight. He once more banged on the castle door with his gauntlet. CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! it went.

The King Saw-id opened the door and said "Who is it?" "It is I, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse. "Not The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse?" said the King. "Yes, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse." said The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse. "My quest is at end, oh King Saw-id of Yoravinalarfincha. I, The Green and White Knight with the Black and White Horse have ridden on The Black and White horse of the Green and White Knight. several times through a temporal rift and have procured for you A Colour Television with Teletext, A NICAM Stereo VCR, a copy of Ishtar, The Special Edition Director's cut THX digitally remasterd in Dolby Pro Surround Sound in WIDESCREEN with Rumblepack, and An extra large tub of Toffee Popcorn and a large Pepsi. I even had the foresight to bring a Red and White striped straw, and to check that the colour TV with Teletext was also NICAM Stereo and WIDESCREEN. The video is wound on past all the crappy trailers you didn't want to watch and I've even heated your slippers for you. I have proved myself more than worthy of your beautiful and wonderful daughter, War-far-bah-, So now may I marry your daughter?

Wait for it

......

Wait for it

......

And the King says "No." and slams the door.