A man goes to the Doctor and says "Doctor, I think I'm a pig!"
The Doctor says "How long have you felt like this?"
The man replies "About a weeeeeeeeeeek!!"

"Doctor, Doctor!! I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself together."

A man goes to the doctor. Where his head should be, there is a thin sheet of metal with a serrated edge. He says "Doctor, my head is a little saw."

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I think I'm Harry Belafonte!!" The doctor asks how long he's felt like this and he says " Just a Daaaaaaaayyyyyyoooo daydayyyyyyyooo."

The doctor is in the office when he hears a shout from past the horizon :"Doctor, I think I'm over the hill!"

A man goes into a doctor's office with a parrot on his head. The man is looking very dopy and just staring straight ahead. The parrot, on the other hand, is looking about the office with interest.
After a few minutes of the man just standing there staring into space the doctor finally asks him what's the matter.
The parrot flaps his wings and says "How do I get this silly bugger off my foot?"

A man goes to the doctor and says " I keep thinking I'm a cowboy."
"How long have you felt like this?" asks the doctor.
"About a yeeeeeaar." replies the man.

A doctor looks up from his desk to see his new patient. He is a small circular wall made of brick, with a little sloped roof and a handle on the side. He is only about a foot high.
"Doctor, I'm not a tall well." he says.

"Doctor, I keep thinking I've been dead for years."
"How long have you felt like this?" "Oh, about a decayed."

A cricketer goes into the doctor's (you can see this one coming a mile off)"Doctor, I feel all listless and don't seem to enjoy the game anymore." "How long have you felt like this?" "Just the last couple of centuries.

A man goes to the doctor and says "What's a good thing for a hangover?" The Doctor replies "Drinking heavily the night before."

A man goes to the doctor because he needs to lose weight. The doctor tells him that one of the best (and enjoyable) ways to burn off calories is sexual intercourse. He tells him that he should try to have it at least once every night, preferably twice. The man looks dubious but agrees to give it a go.
He comes back a month later and the doctor asks him how many times he's had sex."17 times." is the reply.
"Good grief! "Says the Doctor "That's not nearly enough!!"
"I know, " the man replies " but it's not bad for a country priest with a small parish."

A man goes to the doctor and says " doctor, I keep talking with my mouth full." "How long have you been doing this?" he asks.
"About a monmhth." is the reply.

A man goes into the doctor's office. What first appears to be dandruff on his shoulders turns out to be snow. There is a small bright globe hovering above his left ear. Over the rest of his head is a large black cloud and a torrent of rain. "Doctor, I'm under the weather." says the man.

a man goes into the doctor's office with a miniature version of Julian Clary who's covered in something white and sticky.
" Doctor, I've just come over a little queer." says the man.(I know it's sick, but I'm just continuing the theme and I didn't make it up.)

The doctor goes to the loo and when he comes back, there's a patient in his office with a snooker table. He is lining up a shot and he has one of those metal spider things but with a very short handle. "Doctor, I'm going to pot, I need a break." says the man. "The doctor replies "You ought to have a long rest" (three for the price of one there.)

A man goes into the doctor's with a major organ in his hand. The organ is reading the Racing Times, has a radio to its ear and has several betting stubs in its hand. "Doctor," says the man "My heart keeps fluttering."

A man goes into the doctor's with a duck under his arm which he's stroking. "Doctor," he says "I'm feeling down."