'Hey!!' exclaimed Averageboy, seeing a news report on the television:

\/\/\ '- Captain Nazi will be holding the mayor's daughter hostage at eight pm this Friday evening in the Usual Place.

Whoever defeats him will gain a good deal of clout with the massed rabble of brown-nosing reporters -' /\/\/

'I could use my new lack of powers to become widely loved, and for many other purely selfish reasons!' Averageboy said to himself.
'I need a plausable excuse to get past my folks though -'

Uncle Doomed-to-die-significantly's physics-defying minature plane pulled up to the window of a building one street away from the Usual Place.

'Thanks Uncle Doomed-to-die-significantly!' Averageboy said, hopping onto the window ledge with ruck-sack on shoulder.

'It's fine, son! Your aunt and I know you need time to get over your drug addiction! - And that nasty habit of cutting people off whenever they try to give you a piece of advi -'

'STOP TRYING TO ADVISE ME!! STOP TRYING TO HELP ME! YOU'RE NOT MY AUTHORITY FIGURE!! AND HOW COME YOU'RE MY UNCLE AND MY GRANDFATHER BOTH AT THE SAME TIME?!??¹'

Uncle Doomed looked down. 'I'll see you back home -' He drove off.

Averageboy watched the plane disappear, then quickly removed his mask and costume to reveal jeans, trainers and T-shirt. He shoved his casual wear into the rucksack before speeding down the building's stairways and running to the Usual Place.

After arriving at the Usual Place, it had taken a little while for Averageboy to see any of the action that was happening as the line of those competing was so long.

Those waiting to take on Captain Nazi were in regular attire except for Averageboy, whose exposed face was a perfect disguise.

As the queue moved, Averageboy saw all those who didn't possess his unique attributes falling one-by-one to Captain Nazi's knock-out gun, then being held against the wall with thick metal cuffs on their wrists and ankles.

Reaching the front of the line, Average saw policemen crouching behind a barricade.

The captain walked over.
'You'll-never-be-able-to-defeat-him!' he said in an Irish accent, reading from a clipboard and sounding rather bored.

Hanging from the ceiling, above a vat of chemicals, was the mayor's daughter. Upon seeing Averageboy, she screamed for help and wiggled her legs for effect.

After a long, appreciative pause to take in the full effect, Averageboy made his way slowly to the area where Captain Nazi stood with a large gun attached to his hand.

'*Bwa-Ha-Ha!!*' laughed Captain Nazi rather effeminately. 'Sooon the wooorld will beee mine!'

Averageboy eyed him, decided he was slightly overdoing the vowel sounds, and then made his way toward the villain.

'As yooou can seee, the mayor's daaaughter is suspended over a vaaat of chemicals!

'Once sheee is lowered my over-elaborate sheeeme will beee complete!

'All Iii have tooo dooo is shoot yooou with my raaay-gun set tooo paaain! Your screeeam will activate a sooound sensor that will beeegin the looowering prooocess!!

'When she hits theee chemicals, the carbon in her body wiiill activate theee deeevice that empties theee reactive chemicals into the neeearby quarrry that will reeevive and exhume theee dinosaurs that the worksite was built ooover!

'My dinooosaurs will deeestroy the city and then the countries of theee wooorld unless the United Nations make me President of Earth!'

'You - you git!' shouted Averageboy. 'I don't know how, but - but I'm going to stop you!'

'Ah ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You'll - hang on, let me just get me breath back.'

Averageboy waited thoughtfully while Captain Nazi bent over and took some deep breaths. 'Okay, where were we?'

'"Ah ha ha ha, you'll -" ,' supplied Averageboy.

'Oh yeah. Yooou'll neveeeer succeeed!' shouted Captain Nazi.
'My armour is heatproof, coldproof, impervious to psychic energy and can reflect all radiation from any part of the electromagnetic spectrum! I am virtually invulnerable... what have you got there?' he asked suspiciously.

'A sock full of the balls from our pool table down at the Young Superheroes Association. Have a closer look,' invited Averageboy, neatly cracking Captain Nazi over the head with this unorthodox weapon.

'Ooh, it's always the one thing you never think of,' muttered Captain Nazi as he slumped unconscious to the floor.

The superheroes, police, even the mayor's daughter watched in puzzlement and awe as Averageboy dragged the dazed villain over to the chief of police.

The silence was deafening as he pushed the vat of chemicals to one side, then lowered the mayor's daughter to the floor by loosening the rope.

Averageboy made his way home. Things had not gone well.

At the city hall, the mayor had informed Averageboy that he would be on page 27 of the Daily Rag. There hadn't been the promised 'massed rabble'. Just a cub reporter with notepad.

Upon reaching his house, Averageboy slipped between some bins and put his costume back on. He was himself again.

But as he went round to front of the house, he saw Doctor Peculiar, one of the few people in the city calling themselves 'Doctor' to actually have an MD, flying off.

'What's happened?!' yelled Averageboy.

Aunt Supporting-character appeared with tears in her eyes.

'It's your Grandpa... I mean, your Uncle... oh, dash this sloppy editing! - He - he - died shortly after he returned here. I tried to call you but the rehab clinic didn't recognise your name '

Averageboy's head fell.

'What did he die of? Was a it a revenge attack by the Observational Comedian? A virus from the planet Klaarg? Did he sacrifice himself to save another hero with better sales?'

'No, son, it was - oh, the shame... it was natural causes!!!'

Aunt Supporting-character flopped into his arms, sobbing.

'He said 'it's fine' -' whispered Averageboy.

On the night of the funeral service, Average sat on the roof of the city's many skyscrapers with his T-shirt in hand.

'You said 'it's fine', Uncle Doomed-to-die-significantly! It isn't! But it will be! I'll make sure everything is fine in the city for everyone! I'll use my powers for good and honourable deeds!'

He pulled the T-shirt over his chest and put on his jeans.

'This 'Age' better be ready -'

He stood up with the moon casting his shadow across the roof.

'It had better be ready -' he quickly pulled off the mask.
'- ready for 'Joe-Smith!!'

THE END.

HPB

16.10.03 Front Page

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