h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I know this is totally unrelated but does anybody know any really sad , ridiculously contrived jokes? I'm working on a few collections. I currently have a large collection of dodgy pub jokes but I'd also like Doctor jokes and jokes about peoples names e.g What do you call a woman who does impressions of police cars? Nina. And What do you call a woman who knows how to get across a gap? Bridget. That kind of thing.
A prize will go to the most gut-wrenchingly contrived joke that is so convoluted there is no way it would ever be funny.

Worst joke ever (official - Guiness Book of Records):

There was once an old, retired couple who, in the autumn of their years enjoyed a simple life. Mr and Mrs Green were very happy in their country cottage, George's passion was his vegetable patch while Martha's was to cook what her beloved husband grew. A perfect situation.

Now George was especially proud of his cauliflowers. For many years he had cultivated and perfected a secret mulch which, when spread around his carefully tilled cauliflower patch, produced the largest, firmest and most tasty cauliflowers in the region. They always had the tightest, crisp, white florets and the greenest leaves.

George's usual plan was to take his cauliflowers to the regional show where they won every cauliflower prize. Then he would bring them home and Martha would cook them. Unsurprisingly, Martha had perfected her cauliflower cheese to match her husbands gardening expertise. She used the freshest ingredients and cheese which she made herself to a recipe that was *her* little secret. Together, they made an immaculate dish, each component perfectly complementing the others, truly it was food fit for the gods. Indeed, their neighbours would never refuse a dinner invitation if George had recently been to a show.

One year in particular, though George didn't know why, his cauliflowers were growing to a stupendous size. Usually they were large, but this year they were huge! George and Martha looked eagerly forward to the day when they would be eaten. Surely they would be the best tasting cauliflowers ever, and their size would keep them in cauliflower cheese for a long, long time.

When they finally ripened to perfection, George picked the massive vegetables and as usual he took them to the show. The judges were amazed! Never had they seen cauliflowers so large and yet so firm and appetising! George won every prize there was! Beaming with pride he returned home to the bosom of his loving wife.

As it was quite late Martha decided to put off her culinary efforts until the next day. She did however, prepare all the other things she would need, this would be a mammoth task! Martha woke early, such was her excitement, and began preparing her cauliflower cheese. Boiling up a small portion of George's vegetable fare until it was just right, not too crisp, not overcooked, the aroma in her small but tidy kitchen was wonderful. While the cauliflower cooked Martha prepared her special sauce.

George had risen by then, and though they were both salivating with desire, they decided to wait until supper time to sample their joint creation, reasoning that the wait would make the triumph all the sweeter. George took himself to the garden, Martha cleaned the kitchen, all day both could think of nothing else.

When supper-time finally arrived Martha had produced a wonderful meal. Boiled new potatoes in a light butter sauce, carrots and peas fresh from the garden, a roast leg of lamb with mint sauce and of course, the *piece de resistance* the cauliflower cheese. George opened an old bottle of wine he had been saving, a good vintage year, Martha lit candles to enhance the mood and they sat down to dine.

With a smile George proffered a forkful of cauliflower cheese to Martha, she reciprocated with a blush. As they remembered their honeymoon, they bit down upon each others forks taking in the wonderful aroma.

DISASTER!!!!

The cauliflower was horrible!!!! Even Martha's expertly prepared sauce did nothing to disguise the vileness of the vegetable!! It was so incrediblely revolting that both George and his wife could not even swallow the one mouthful they had been so tenderly offered. Using napkins, with as much grace as the situation allowed, they spat out the disgusting food and rinsed their mouths with wine.

George was devastated, this was supposed to have been so special, and it was inedible. He was moved to tears. Martha tried to comfort him but he was inconsolable, sobbing gently he gazed at Martha.

'Look' he said 'not only can we not eat this, it leaves ridiculous red stains'

Martha looked in the mirror and sure enough, her lips were a deep scarlet, a lovely colour spoiled only by its source.

'Never mind' Martha said, going to kiss George 'I'm sure we can think of something'

'I doubt it' George replied 'it even makes your breath smell bad'

George was not usually this tactless, but his grief was such that he didn't really care. Martha herself had noticed the putrid smell on the breath of her husband, but had restrained herself from comment.

'What are we going to do?' asked George. 'We have so many cauliflowers and they're all so large. We can't just throw them away!'

Now, Martha who was the more thoughtful of the pair, had been been musing and had come up with an idea.

'What about lipstick?'

'What?'

'Well given the nice colour, couldn't we some how make a lipstick and sell it? Then it wouldn't be such a waste we might even make enough money to take a little holiday.'

'And it would be a new and environmentally friendly process' she added, always concerned about these things.

'Perhaps, perhaps...' said George

So they set about their new project, in Martha's typically organised way. They kitchen became a research laboratory as man and wife laboured night and day. They tried many ways to reduce the cauliflower to its staining components, and many oils and waxes in which to fix it as a base. Many weeks of intensive research and development followed. Countless failures passed them by until finally they had produced the basic lipstick component.

'Unfortunately, its a little bit crumbly' said Martha

'Yes, and it still smells a bit' said George 'maybe we ought to put a warning on the packaging. I'm sure if its used carefully it'll be OK.'

'Good idea' Martha said 'what shall we write?'

George thought for a while, considering all the problems they had had, all the joy and pain they had gone through to make their new product.

'I've got it' he said 'we'll write......

(Wait for it!)










..SUPER-CAULI FRAGILE LIPSTICK, EXPECT HALITOSIS!

Absolutelt fantastic!!!!
That's just perfect. A ridiculously long, overly contrived joke that takes 4 hours to tell and then just isn't funny when you get to the punchline.
Groaners are my speciality.
I'll have to work out how to paste this.

Okay, I seem to have judged the level correctly.
Here's another contrived one (probably needs several pints to appreciate it ).

Black tarmac road surface and red tarmac road surface are sat in the pub having a quiet pint. They are discussing red tarmac road surface's ability to stand up for himself when it comes to being pushed around by some of their other road-surface acquaintances.

Black tarmac road surface suggests to red tarmac road surface that next time one of the other road surfaces tries to oppress him in a physical manner then he should call their bluff and ask if they would like to step outside to settle their differences.

Before red tarmac road surface can reply, in comes concrete road surface who has a hard-surface reputation. He approaches their table and says aggressively to red tarmac road surface "Oi you, buy us a pint NOW". Red tarmac road surface, considering what black tarmac road surface has just said to him, pauses, and says quietly "No, I think you should buy your own drink".

This enrages concrete road surface so much that he invites red tarmac road surface outside saying that if he won't buy a round then he is going to teach him a lesson. To his surprise, red tarmac road surface agrees to this and to the evident delight of black tarmac road surface, they both troop outside. 30 seconds later, red tarmac road surface staggers back through the front door of the pub, slightly cut and bruised, but he punches the air triumphantly and shouts "I 'ad 'im" to black tarmac road surface. They then start to celebrate red tarmac road surfaces victory by drinking heavily.

Several days later, black tarmac road surface and red tarmac road surface are sat in the same pub, mulling over red tarmac road surface's famous victory. As they do so, concrete road surface walks in with his mate green tarmac road surface. They approach the bar, having seen the two other road surfaces sat in the corner.

Black tarmac road surface looks over at red tarmac road surface, only to see his friend shaking with fear under the table. He looks down and says "What the hell's up with you, you 'ad 'im the other night!"

"Yeah I know", says red tarmac road surface, "but look who's with him. That's green tarmac road surface. He's a bloody cycle path!"

That one's already in thr Sad Pub Jokes I'm afraid.
Wait till I do the one about the Green and white Knight with the BLack and white horse.

OK, yours is in. So is The Green and White Knight with The BLack and White Horse enjoy.

That is truly awful!

I went through my archives and dug out some more. There are too many to post here, so I've slapped them onto a page. See: http://www.h2g2.com/P137927 Be sure to check out the penguin gag. It's a corker!

Try these - the Arthur "joke" is so awful that none of my friends would pass it on!

http://www.bestiary.com/moose/humour/arthur.pun.html

http://www.bestiary.com/moose/humour/#silly

Quickies:
---------
(i) Two parrots were sat on a perch. One said to the other "Can you smell fish?"
(ii) Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other "How on earth do you drive this thing?"

Q: How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Many Hans' make light work.

Long and awful:
---------------
A diner walks into a posh French seafood restaurant, (you know, the kind where your potential meal is swimming about in a tank by the door.) On his way in he notices a little green squid and decides that this is the very thing for him.
The waiter takes his order and fishes out said squid, but being a softy he can't kill it so he gives it to Gervaisse LePosh, the maitre d'.
Gervaisse is annoyed by this and slaps the squid on a chopping block, raising a large cleaver over his head. However, before he can dispatch the squid he looks down at its pitiful little eyes and its little moustache (so like his own) and cannot bring himself to kill it.
Now, it wouldn't do to disappoint the customer so he looks around for someone with a stronger temprament - and chances upon Hans, the burly German dish washer, and so he asks him to do it.
Hans goes through the same rigmarole of lifting the cleaver high above his head, but he too glimpses the squids pathetic look and its big soppy eyes, and he too breaks down....
...which just goes to show that ......
"Hans, that do dishes can be soft as Gervaise with midl green, hairy lipped squid!"

The "hairy-lipped squid" joke is one of my favourites. A colleague of mine used to specialise in it as a party piece, complete with facial expressions of the squid. No matter how often we had heard her do it, we always found it hilarious. Of course, several pints of the local brew may have helped!