'Oh go on - it'll be a laugh. Please come.'

'No Angela it won't be a laugh. It will be torture. An evening on the menopause chaired by Angela Rippon high-kicking her way through it in blue chiffon is not my idea of a fun night out.'

'Oh please say you'll come. The tickets are only a fiver and we get a glass of wine. It's in the Palace.'

'In case you had forgotten we're not supposed to drink wine on our diet. Where in the local Palais is this taking place might I ask?'

'In the garden room and I do wish you wouldn't call it 'the Palais'! It sounds so common.'

'I like common. Oh all right I suppose it's worth it just to see what she looks like in the flesh. We don't have to dress do we?'

'I hardly think it's going to be a naturists convention! Of course we have to dress - and it would be nice if you put a slightly clean jumper on. You don't have to behave like a bag lady all your life and don't say 'I like bag lady' or you're dead. Can you pick me up at half past six?

'Why can't you pick me up? You've only got me going there because of the free drinks.'

'Fred's got the car. See you later. Byeee!'

'Well that's nice.'

'What's nice?'

'Oh hello Polly didn't hear you come in. That was Angela on the phone. She wants me to go to some turgid talk on menopausal motivation.'

'That sounds really good. Where is it?'

I can't believe it! She's serious. Hang on a sec... Polly likes a drink or two. Amend. Polly likes a case or two. Could this be an escape route beckoning?

'Why don't you call Angela and tell her you'll take my place. I have loads of work to do and I'm sure you'd love it. It's in the Palace and Angela Rippon is the guest speaker; The Angela Rippon; her of the long legs and Morecambe and Wise fame. Oh and there's free wine.

Nicely dropped in girl. I think she's hooked.

'Ooooh I'd love to go. I do hope Angela can get an extra ticket, Oh isn't that a coincidence. Our Angela is getting the tickets for Angela Rippon? They have the same name get it?'

Oh très droll.

'NO! You don't need an extra ticket. You can have mine!'

It's not going to work. Not only am I going to have to drive them both, I am now going to have to put up with paralytic Polly pontificating all evening. Wondrous!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brrrrrrr Brrrrrrr

'Hello.'

'Bonjour mon amie. Comment ça va? Haaaa! Haaaa!'

'Patrick what do you want? I'm late.'

'What do you mean you're late? Where are you going? I thought we were going out to play tonight?'

'Well we're not. I'm going out with Angela and Polly, girlies night out.'

'Well I'm almost a girlie... where are you going?'

'Nowhere exciting I promise you.'

Don't tell him. He'll laugh into tomorrow. He'll probably laugh into next year.

'Well that's not very noice. Why can't I come?'

'Tickets all sold out.'

'Tickets! What tickets? No... you've got to tell me.'

'There's a talk in the Palace tonight. It's a girl's thing only. Angela Rippon is the guest speaker. OK?'

'Oh, Oh! Is it to do with girlie things like getting pregnant and pills and having babies?'

'Something like that.'

'How was your French class by the way? Haaaaa! Haaaaa! I loike that... French class, French letters... girlie things Haaaa!'

'Shut up! Not very good actually. Patrick I'm in a hurry.'

'Oh no! Didn't you understand anything?'

'Well let's just say they were all spouting on about why they wanted to learn French, what they did and how many children they had and all in French!'

'So what did you do?'

'I managed to get past the je m'appelle bit and then I just said I think I'm in the wrong class.'

'Mmmmm you probably are. I think level one would have been better. It's a shame you told them you'd done 'O' level French.'

'I thought I had. How was I supposed to remember it was 'O' level German? It was thirty years ago for G*ds sake.'

'I think it was closer to forty actually!'

'S*d off!'

'Oh please can I come? I loike Angela Rippon.'

Why not? It'll serve him right. Oh, yes Patrick. I think a menopausal evening is just what you need.

'Oh, all right. I'll pick you up at six.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Haaaaa! Haaaa! Haaaaa! That was such fun!'

'Shut up! It was not fun, it was appalling. The talk was good, I grant you, but half the over-fifties in the village were there. I'll never get away with being thirty five again.'

'You've never got away with thirty five before, actually! Anyway it was only the women, Oi was the only man!'

'That's debatable. Oh, and was it absolutely necessary to ask Angela Rippon whether HRT would make your beard grow faster? You don't even have a beard.'

'Noi... but most of the women there did! Haaaa! And she loiked me actually.'

'Patrick the only reason she even noticed you was because you managed to stop paralytic Polly from crashing into the overhead projector as she attempted to hijack her seventh tray of canapés.'

'Yes, but I did stop her didn't I?'

'Only because the wine waiter was in danger of being flattened in her wake and you could see your liquid dinner disappearing into the short term memory expert's lap.'

'Oh yes. Oi'd forgotten. Haaaa! Haaaa! Short term memory expert... 'Oi'd forgotten'... Haaaaa! Haaaa! Get it?'

'Sometime you are worse than Polly. Do you know that?'

'Oi think we should do this more often. I'm going to look in the local paper and see when the next lecture is. It's very good value for money you know... Four glasses of wine and dinner...'

'Canapés.'

'Well that's the same div! And all for a fiver!'

'It might be to you, you've only got half a stomach remember? When's your next chemo by the way? I suppose we could always become professional mourners. I could be good at that... and I need the practice... one husband down, three friends to follow... yes I think we should be professional mourners'

'What do you mean? What do we have to do?'

'We just turn up at funerals and follow the party back to the wake. People do, you know.'

'That's just dreadful! Who would you say you were?'

'You don't have to. You just wear black and if anyone asks you how you knew the deceased, you burst into tears. They'll assume you were either a mistress or an illegitimate child.'

'Well Oi can't burst into tears to order and I could hardly be mistaken for a mistress.'

'I wouldn't bet on it.'

'You old witch! Couldn't we gate crash weddings instead?'

'Of course not. The mother of the bride knows exactly who everyone is at a wedding and you'd have to take a present. You're far too mean to take a present, besides I look good in black.'

'Well you would. You're the black widow, the nasty short-legged black widow!'

'You're being childish! I am not nasty and my legs are in perfect proportion with my body. You're just saying that because I said you were mean, which you are.'

'No I'm not. You are nasty and you have got short legs! Moy new friend Angela has got long legs and she's slim and nice.'

'S*d off!'

'You s*d off!'

'I'll see you tomorrow then. You promised to pick up the offsprung from the airport remember?'

'You don't deserve it you old witch! OK, Boyeee!'

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