h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The springtime of my death. - A1288587
Author: Speckly - fissiped fish - U226818

This is finished for now, which means not really finished at all but I'm moving on to the next one anyway.

Opinions anyone?

FYI

This story was based on a letter from a book of lesbian love letters, and written TO the narrating character in this story. Many lines from it are taken from it too. Umm. If anyone wishes it, I can pit the original letter on here. But not if you don't dig.

Well. What do I think? Difficult commenting on the work of my ladylove, open to nepotism we are. But it is fact that we have inending love for and respect of each others' work. One of our defining features, our creativity was one thing that bought us together.

So, then, what DO I think? Yes, it is a work inprogress. I can feel that you've not settled yet on this tale, it is tentaive and it has not been rounded as you want ot. Call it, then, a character study. A voice. Her story, the her you've made, is no longer told through the words of the letter. She is yours, and has interesting things to say that you have not yet entered. Indecision on just what her story is? It does not end, it fades into a mumble, unsure of the tune. It's in you, and a wonderful start.

On its own merits, it is beautiful, as I always find your writing to be. Your words sit oddly in some places with the rather 'crude' imagery of the letter. Umm. I like this character very much, she's built very well, you definately know who she is. Love, I think she could say a lot for you, and can be developed into a full story, based on the letter or not.

I'm not sure in what you're saying in the story, but I think that's both because you are using someone else's words, and because I don't have it open to look at right now. Umm. And my wrist hurts whenever I've got to type a capital, so it's outting me off. Umm.

I don't think this should be left forever to languish. Leave it to mature, to ferment, and come back in x. I like her, and she's got much to say about this relationship, and I think you'll do wonders with her. Just the kind of character to work wonderfully with your style. Umm. Get back to me, and I'll ramble on some more.

Fatty

And you can't exactly comment purely anyway can you? After all, you know more than the blind reader, the gaps have been filled in so your brain pastes over them and you can't see where they would have been.

I think it needs more point, but I don't want to expand too much. This lady is enigmatic and I want her to stay that way, so not too much more concrete detail. You're right about the language of the letter being crude in places. I'll probably cut quite a bit of it on the second go through. especially things like 'I made love with you on first sight.' a lovely sentiment and wonderful in context of the origional letter, but it doesn't *go*.

Right also about it mumbling off I think. It has to be hazy in the details. There are things I wnat to hint around rather than stateing, but it gets muddy. I'll firm that up in the next draft too.

I am going to leave it at least a week or so before I go over it. It was hard enough dragging this out of the ether with my brain on half speed or less. I'm not about to attempt revisions while cognitively impaired! Isn't it odd that editing can be harder than writing.

I might move onto one of the other letters and see what I can make from them. Maybe I'll try for some speed writing, 24 hour turn around, or real short shorts 200 words or less. Maybe I'll do both or neither or none.

Why do I do so well with old ladies? Which reminds me I must find something to do with Joyce...

Yeah, tis true. Um, maybe cos you can have them talk in those modes which you like? But then, Joyce doesn't. Anyway.

Yeah, I agree. The book is full of interesting letters, and they're so good because they just give you this tiny glimpse into a life, a person, urging you to fill in the gaps, to infer from this tiny moment, and make them flesh, make them whole. Youknowwhatimean.

Gosh. I wonder if Johnny's home. I think it must be the distant tinklings of Insaniquariam coming through the ether. She's getting diamonds. (You see, a team leader away across the floor is playing it right now, and John likes to play it, so I can identify it by ear.)

Anyway, offfff topic. Umm. Yes, that's right. Leave it for a bit, of course. Oh! Cognitively impaired. That's like flavourly impaired for boiled soup. So maybe that's the problem, you've been cooked on too high a heat. I'm sure if someone blows on you you'll be fine. God. Roll on 11.

Fatty

Bless you dear, that really was rambling tripe. The letters *are* very good source material. So long as I don't get sued! It's good to use them for other reasons. They are all excellent pieces of writing in their own right (Look here Vita...) so wonderful inspiring poetic phrases to bounce off. Plus there's the associations with us, (you read them out to me in our first month and all those bygone epistles taught me what it meant to love a woman...) it is interesting to strip the words back to the bone, take away the emotion that we have invested in them and look at them with a fresh writerly eye.

It's good exercise, but I don't know if they'll be good short stories. Can this one be a good story?

Yes, I think so. Umm. I'm not sure in this form, but the charater that you've made is a good story in waiting, do you see. this whole life, who she is, the relationship. I most certainly think a good story can nay will come from this, and the style is delicious. But you know what I mean.

Yes, I agree with everything else you've said. (Oh yeah, except the 'tripe' part.)

Yes.


Fatty

Do you think I should add plot then?

I'd rather not. I like the siedways view, looking at napkins and little details instead of the 'big' things that it's 'really' about. I like her looking back as well. Age and time, they're such a big part of this one. Maybe it should be more about that but I don't want it to get too mettyfisycal.

No, I didn't mean that. Umm. Now you've made this start, got a style and a sense of YOUR character, not the person defined in the letter, then you can set about doing what you will. Umm. I suppose you can now disregard the tethers originally put on you by your starting point. As this is NOT a timed assignment, you can use that starting point just as that. You can make it about who and what you like, and can include what details you like, you know, make stuff up. And I think it will serve you well to excise the phrasing of the letter.

I just mean, free yourself of unneccesary tethers. Umm.

Fatty

Evening Speckly
I read this and enjoyed the read. Your words have clarity. You take the reader right there.

When it got to the end I was looking for more, although it wasn't a major issue. And I promise I felt that before reading this thread , though that helped to define what I'd felt on finishing.

Going back I think it's partly that it's not clear (to me) how the coiled hair relates to the piece, though it's obviously meant to show time has passed. Fifteen years is implied but it's not expicit. And it's partly because the first contact and the first drive give such detail and then that detail stops. I could imagine her retrospection covering her first contact, but why the first drive but nothing after. But then I'm probably too inclined to look for reason and logic where those things shouldn't be relevant.

Look forward to an update, if you update.

'But then I'm probably too inclined to look for reason and logic where those things shouldn't be relevant.' No, you are completely right and those things are relevant. I'm glad now that I didn't copy the letter up in the thread. Your opinion is all the more useful because you *don't* know which elements came from the letter.

The hair, as it stands, is a bit cheap. It is an element from the letter,

'You wore your long hair coiled in a crown round your head. At every curve of th road, you sounded your horn.'

I liked the image of the hair, I made it silver, and I wanted to tie it in to the central themes of time and age, but I got lazy and did half a job of it. Mind you, it was written between calls in work while fluctuating between depression and mania! I'm amazed it makes any sense at all. I'll probably expand on the hair, tie it in neater (gosh that's almost a pun) and put in some tactile details to make it flow better with the first half.

The various dates need to be reinforced and made clearer. The narrator is 85, her lover is 44 years younger and it has been fifteen years since the events she is remembering.

I'm going to gather comments and ideas for a while before I attempt a re-draft. Thanks for taking the time Waz, helpful and appreciated.

I liked the coiled hair too. It's about the woman's style as well as an indication of age.

You're welcome re comments, and I'll look forward to a redraft.

I'd gathered you'd had a difficult time recently. I'm sorry about that and it's good to have you back here.

Yeah, bit of a rough time and probably not over yet, but it'll pass. (Didn't a wise Post-Beatle say something like that once.) At least I have lots of energy at the moment and I'm trying to put it to good use while it lasts.

Thanks again