h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Brentford and Turnham Green - A12811619
Author: OldBerk - U3164926

i think this is ready for publication

Hi Oldbark,

I think you should mention in the title that this is a battle of the English Civil War (I thought I was going to read a standard 'town' Entry).

Also, it's difficult to read because there is no 'white space'. You need to break it up a bit more, perhaps by adding two or three 'Headers'.

I think th opening para needs to set the context by explaining how this battle fits into the overview of the Cil War. Keep at it

I'm but this won't do you need to make it look more presentable with headers and the like.

is this any better?

is this any better?

Hi OldBerk,

I've book-marked this, and I'll be back in a bit!

Hey OldBerk,
sorry it took me a while. It's a good start , just needs a bit of work to bring it up to EG (Edited Guide) standards. I'm guessing you don't want to get into using GuideML (the language that makes all the headers and links etc appear) at the moment, so I'll focus on the text for now.

I'll go through the first half of the entry... hope you don't mind a some typos and pointers.

As BigAl pointed out above, it'd be worth adding in the title that it's the 'English' Civil War we're talking about here - hootoo is an international website .

On 11th November 1642 King Charles I, keen to regain the initiative after the inconclusive Battle at Edgehill on 23rd October and having seen peace talks at Reading also become inconclusive,

Two inconclusives! What about changing the last bit to:

On 11th November 1642 King Charles I, keen to regain the initiative after the inconclusive Battle at Edgehill on 23rd October, and having seen peace talks at Reading stall,

Colnbrook,(about --> Colnbrook, (about

This action laid the King open to charges of acting in bad faith, and in addition the subsequent reckless action of Prince Rupert's Cavalry also provoked a great deal of hostility from the civilian population

why the bad faith? was it because the peace talks were still ongoing? I don't think you need the bit about the cavalry here, as you go on to detail it later.

Ruperts --> Rupert's
Holles --> can you give his first name (and title if he had one), at least the first time he's mentioned.
retreat,and, as happened --> retreat, and as happened
Hampdens --> Hampden's

Cavalry had acted swiftly --> Cavalry acted swiftly
to escape, a large --> to escape; a large
civillians --> civilians
brought home to Londoners the fact --> brought home the fact

However, the events at Brentford had galvanised people into action. They were no longer helpless victims to be robbed or ravished. They were now a,"citizens army", ready to dig and/or fight.

what about (note the use of ' rather than " - it's house style):
The events at Brentford had galvanised people into action, they were no longer helpless victims to be robbed or ravished. They were now a 'citizens army', ready to dig and/or fight.

A bit more of an introductory paragraph *might* also help (another of BigAl's suggestions) - where are we in the war? beginning/half way/near the end... not too much detail, as we have this entry to provide an overview A523450 but a bit more of a lead in, as it were.

Give us a shout when you're ready for more, or want to try GuideML (the funky stuff!)

Hi OldBerk


I think this is a very good ECW entry please allow me to offer some additional information that you may wish to consider including.



After Edge hill The King took Banbury on October 27th. Then went to Oxford October 29th, and set up his Capital


On the way to London Rupert’s forces captured the following towns
Abingdon, Aylesbury and Maidenhead. Rupert failed to take either Kingston upon Thames or Windsor (attempted on November 4th 1642).They were to well defended and the garrisons that Rupert would have left Abingdon, Aylesbury and Maidenhead may have contributed to his lack of men.


Then Brentford was taken on November 11th



The Royalist forces had problems as some wanted to opens peace talks rather than attack London This vacillation caused enough of a delay to allow Essex to slip past the royalist force and reinforce London. On November 13th Essex army under Skippon, left London with the army and the trained bands (local militia) and blocked the kings advance upon London at Turnham Green.
The Royalist army then numbered 12000 and was severely short of ammunition, whilst the Parliament army was 24000 plus a large number of the population of London.

The King withdrew in the face of these odds and went into winter quarters at Oxford, Reading, Wallingford, Abingdon and other towns

Also please note
>As the King fell back towards Oxford Essex strengthened his position by taking Windsor, which was to remain headquarters of the<

My sources differ at this point
As Rupert or the king failed to take Windsor there were some Royalist forces in the town that retreated as Essex advanced.

You have an excellent entry here a nice informative flowing style and your source documents appear to be incomlete. I just offer this little bit of padding to aid the flow Please do not be offended.




Please feel free to refer to my articles om Essex Stamford and Hampden

Holles --> can you give his first name (and title if he had one), at least the first time he's mentioned.

Denzill Holies or Denzil Holles 17c spellings give it both ways original texts favours Denzill Holies.

Hi Rockhound
The author has gone a bit quiet, give him a nudge this is a good entry just needs a finish.,,
bs

I can't seem to leave him a note on his PS (I'm caught in a loop of 'unknown hiker' and 'welcome back' login screens)

Just have to hope OldBerk sees this message...

Can we finish it for him, put it through and credit him for it. Or will it end up in the flee market.

I have been "offline" for a few weeks. The situation has resolved itself and I will finish this before the end of October. Thank you to everyone, especially those who have contributed the extra information I did not have time to research. Thanks again to one and all. have to now. Back soon

Oldberk

Good to nsee you still about see you soon...

No worries, OldBerk. Nice to have you back.

Give us a shout when you've updated it and I'll have another read.

OK I've done some editing, I think it may require a bit more, what do you think it needs?

OldBerk

Hi OldBerk

I'll have a proper look at this later...
I'll be back

Hi Old Berk. I’ve read it through and here’s the suggestions and typos. There are just that, suggestions…

Right...first off we still need to know which civil war. In the title add the word English in, and a space between the full stop and Brentford.

King Charles Attempts to capture London in 1642

We need to expand this a tad more: you have to assume the reader is intelligent, but knows nothing about the subject What about rewording the first bit to something like:

The first battle in the English Civil War, at Edgehill, Warwickshire on 23rd October 1642 was inconclusive, with neither side gaining much. King Charles I, keen to regain the initiative, had gone on to take Banbury and Oxford. Having then seen peace talks at Reading fail, he moved his army forward to Colnbrook, (about four miles to the North East of Windsor) on 11th November.

now we can have the pillaging!

The Pillaging of Brentford.

There he gave Prince Rupert orders to capture Brentford as a precursor to taking London itself. Prince Rupert had failed to take Windsor on Nov 4th, and had gone on to pillage in the Egham and Staines area before receiving these orders from the King.(Essex, the Parliamentary Commander at Edghill, was by this time back in London organising the defence of the capital.) This action, the taking of Brentford, because it meant possibly attacking the civilian population, laid the King open to charges of acting in bad faith. The later actions of Prince Rupert's Cavelry did indeed upset the Civilian population.

I’d remove ‘…before receiving these orders from the King’. Then take the bit about Essex out of brackets (but not out of the paragraph). Was he Lord Essex/Sir Essex/Fred Essex?

how about re-wording the last bit to something like:
The taking of Brentford, laid the King open to charges of acting in bad faith because it meant possibly attacking the civilian population. As we shall see, the later actions of Prince Rupert's Cavalry did indeed upset the civilian population.

Many ran away as Ruperts -- > Many ran away as Rupert’s
forced to retreat,and -- > forced to retreat, and
their actions witnessed -- > their actions were witnessed
be caught up in the fighting in this conflict -- > be caught up in the fighting.

How about swapping the next paragraph around from:

Exaggerated as reports were about Edghill, they provided an incentive for Londoners to defend the city. Thousands, many of them women, volunteered to help with the defences, raising massive earthworks. The events at Brentford then galvanised people into action. They were no longer helpless victims to be robbed or ravished. They were now a determined,"citizens army", ready to dig and/or fight.

To:
Exaggerated as reports were, they provided an incentive for Londoners to defend the city. The events at Brentford galvanised people into action. Thousands, many of them women, volunteered to help with the defences, raising massive earthworks. They were no longer helpless victims to be robbed or ravished. They were now a determined, ‘citizens army’, ready to dig and/or fight.

civillians -- > civilians
impassivley -- > impassively
Skippon,who -- > Skippon, who (Lord Skippon?)
been,"unsettling", for -- > been, ’unsettling’ for.
and, local conditions, narrow fields between hedgerows, meant that Rupert's Cavalry could not be deployed -- > In addition, the narrow fields between the hedgerows, meant that Rupert's Cavalry could not be deployed.

many,"ordinary", citizens -- > many ‘ordinary’ citizens
was becoming a, "stand-off", in -- > was becoming a ‘stand-off’ in
Reading,taking -- > Reading, taking
Maidenhead and , and Henley -- > Maidenhead and Henley
occurred -- > occurred

Sorry there’s a lot of points but I think this could be a good entry. Are there any quotes from the time that you could add?


Rockhound

Thanks, you have been very helpful. I am stuck for time at the moment, (urgently looking for work), once back in employment I will finish this.

OldBerk

No worries... take your time. That's the good thing about HooToo, you can wander off and sort out real life, then wander back in and it's still there.

with the job hunting.