The ramblings of the last sane me
Earlier I mentioned that some people think that I am actually from another planet and I said that if I was, all I had to do was find my ship and leave. But why would I want to? It's a really beautiful place when you stop long enough to have a look around. Look at the sky on a summer's day. It is a fantastic shade of blue and if you add the obligatory scattering of clouds, the imagination can freewheel endlessly with possibilities. Then look at the way sunlight hits the leaves of any tree that is nearby. I am no artist and yet if I were, I sometimes feel as if that a hundred years of painting would not do justice to a single leaf. Now add a light breeze across the surface of a pond to the aforementioned sunlight and it makes me wonder why we need alcohol or drugs, because the sheer beauty of that view is intoxicating.
My personal favourite view in the world is only visible from an aircraft window. That view is of sunlight shining across the clouds. When I did my first tandem skydive, I was so distracted by the view of the clouds that I was halfway out the door of the plane before I realised that the jump had begun. If you have never seen this, then I am afraid that I cannot even begin to describe how wonderful it is. All I can suggest is that you book a daytime flight to anywhere you fancy
and just look out the window for the entire flight. I promise you that you will never forget the experience of seeing the sun shining on the clouds.
There is a saying that 'The eyes are the windows of the soul'. I have a few ideas about this phrase. And yet the eyes can tell us more about what a person is thinking than any other feature of the face. I have been told that when my blood sugar drops my eyes become paler and vice versa. Today a close friend told me that my eyes had got their sparkle back and that I looked more alive than I had for some time. With time it becomes easier to understand what people are thinking by watching their eyes, though these signs can be masked or confused by alcohol or drugs. But from time to time a series of events will lead you to a time when you can look into that special person's eyes and feel on an instinctive level what they are feeling or thinking and that moment is beyond my ability to put into words.
How is it possible that two separate people can look into each other's eyes and simply know what the other person is feeling? It is frightening to think that someone else can look at you and understand your needs without a word being spoken or any explanation given and yet both of you know what the other needs. Logic cannot be used in these circumstances, as only emotions can follow the process. And yet we try to use logic to understand these feelings and explain away the reaction
we have to them. Every one of us is capable of feeling these emotions and yet is unusual for any of us to be capable of recognising the signs that lay before us. We miss the very signals that we spend our lives searching for and then we complain bitterly about all the opportunities that have been missed and use all the 'what ifs and if onlys' known to mankind.
I have only recently seen the most beautiful look in another person's eyes that I have ever experienced. The sight of that look is both beautiful and terrifying at the same time. Beautiful because the innocence is not marred by experience or expectation, but terrifying for exactly the same reasons. Such a look of innocence is frightening because it lays bare the yearning of the other's heart and yet it is so heart-warming because deep down it makes you want to do your utmost to deserve that look. To be worthy of that naked hope and desire is greater than any amount of money or riches available to any man and makes even the strongest character vulnerable and weak. That look can melt even the coldest heart and make the most cynical mind soften to compassion.
The Rastafarians have a saying — 'time be time' — the meaning of which is wide-open to interpretation. For me it is like saying that if it is going to happen, it will happen when the time is right. I had given up on life and love as a fool's fantasy which only ever existed in the words of poets and writers. The whole concept of happiness was dying in my mind and heart; it was as if I had all the positive emotions drained out of me and was left with nothing but hate. Yet now I have changed to the extreme opposite and life is more precious than it has been for a very long time.