h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Initials figure prominently in this song by Allen Sherman:

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=harvey+and+sheila+youtube&sp=-1&pq=harvey+and+sheila+youtube&sc=1-25&qs=n&sk=&cvid=53BE6671D41E4D969E01525EDDC8D475&ru=%2fsearch%3fq%3dharvey%2band%2bsheila%2byoutube%26form%3dQBLH%26sp%3d-1%26pq%3dharvey%2band%2bsheila%2byoutube%26sc%3d1-25%26qs%3dn%26sk%3d%26cvid%3d53BE6671D41E4D969E01525EDDC8D475&view=detail&mmscn=vwrc&mid=BF5F2C1DEC90244A4B78BF5F2C1DEC90244A4B78&FORM=WRVORC

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

Q: What video game do they play in igloos?
A: Snow Fortnite.

Q: What kind of mathematics do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.

Q: If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.

My browser says it is not syncing. I wonder what keeps it afloat.

What happens when the Guinness runs out?



[Collapse of stout party]

I think it's appropriate that Howard keel was in the cast of "Show Boat." (1950s)

Also that i the 1930s version, Paul kept his Robes on.

Appropriate also that the character Patches (in the 2004 film DodgeBall) was played by Rip Torn.

I'm waiting o see helen Hunt in a film about a safari.

"Think your account is secure?" by Ike N. Hackett

Matt Hancock was doing an annual visit to a hospital. As always, he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were there.
Hancock checked all the books and then did his tour. While on the tour he turned to the ward manager and said, "I notice you buy and use a lot of bandages. What do you do with the plastic middle out of the roll?" "Good question", noted the ward manager, "we save them up and send them back to Johnson and Johnson and every once in a while, they send us a free bandage roll. We like recycle whenever possible." "Oh" he said somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his tour to the next ward. "What about all these coloured casts you dispense. They seem to be rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes", replied the ward manager realizing that Hancock was trying to trap her, "we ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs". Hancock was determined to fluster the ward manager. So on they went to the next ward. "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here too we do not like wasting", said the manager.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government in London and about once a year, at this exact time, they send us a complete prick

A man is driving when he notices a hitchhiker standing on the side of the road. He pulls over and lets her in, then continues driving. After a few minutes of silence, the hitchhiker asks "Why did you let me in? How are you sure I'm not a serial killer?" to which the man replies:
"What are the odds that there are two serial killers in this car?"

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in their new Hollywood blockbuster The Great Composers!
“I wanna be Beethoven,” said Stallone.
“I gotta be Mozart,” added Willis.
“What about you, Arnie?” they asked.

From a Burns and Allen TV episode: Hary Morton, the balding and gruff husband says



"That's neither here nor there."

His wife Blanche replies,

"If you're talking about your hair, it certainly isn't here."

Arnie said: I'll be Bach....boom boom..




How do fleas get from place to place?






By itch-hiking!

"Then just as the headsman swings the axe and the blade is about to fall, the count says: "Wait, wait, I'll talk!", but it was too late. And the moral to the story is: Never hatchet your counts before they chicken.

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

I was working in the dairy one night, when the electricity went off. I was able to use the light cream to see my way to the exit.

Superman, Batman, The Flash, Aquaman and Wonder Woman walk into a bar and order five Jack Daniels on the rocks. Bartender asked if they'd like coke or a lemon slice with their order. Superman replied, "No thanks, we're the Just Ice League."

[good one!]

Where in the house would you find mountains?
The kitchen range.

The neatest people in the hopsital are the orderlies

A great 19th Century French writer came back as a car. He was Victor Yugo.

My uncle in the army is a bit of a nut. He's a colonel.

Acorn imagine that.